Introduction

It is 4:52 AM. I have class in four hours and eight minutes. This is what my entries will usually consist of: those disjointed, unhappy or profound thoughts that I only get when I should be sleeping.

"Here comes a feeling you thought you'd forgotten"
- Vampire Weekend, Horchata

That lyric is my life right now. So is much of the rest of the song. This is what is going on in my life: pain. I am causing it. I can't stop it. I feel so terrible, but it is time to make myself happy. And that means heart break.

There are three guys who are very important in my life right now. In the interest of anonymity, they will each be assigned their own nickname:
1. Wrecking Ball: I met him six years ago and have always loved him. We dated briefly five years ago, but I was clinically depressed and also thought I was a lesbian, so I broke things off after only two months. I never forgave myself for that, but until recently I had kept my lingering feelings hidden.
2. Acadia: We met four years ago and dated for two and a half years. We don't get along at all anymore, but sex has always been great with him. He was my first, and currently my most recent. Some habits die hard. I don't consider him that important, but I have to mention him in order to explain everything else, so I needed to introduce him.
3. Cowboy: We met around this time last year. We dated from March 27 until December 12. I loved him, and I think I still do, which might be very very bad. I know what I want and I know what will happen but this is a complication. I'll explain.