"Don't worry we'll all float on, even if things get heavy we'll all float on okay."
- Modest Mouse, Float On
Today I learned that a sister in my sorority passed away yesterday in a car accident. I had never met her, but it saddens me to know that I never will. I just want to make this brief post in memory of Sister #56. Our sorority is a great big family and it is a very sad thing that one of us isn't around any more. She was dearly loved by her friends, family, and all of us sisters. Today I wear my letters in her honour.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
A Christmas Party
"Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun, now the jingle hop has begun!"
- Jingle Bell Rock
On Monday night I went to a Christmas party, and I'm really proud of myself. I felt really nervous about going because I was going alone and I'm not very close with the people that were throwing it; we went to high school together and they were people I always wanted to consider friends, but I never really made an effort to get close to them. So I was very flattered that I was invited, and very glad that I had a lot of fun.
As a sort of apology to myself for my drinking on Saturday night, I was very careful at this party. I mixed my drink lightly (gin, Sprite, and maraschino cherry juice) at home and nursed the same drink all night. I had a gentle buzz on and felt relaxed, but not tipsy or anything. I think it may be the most responsibly I've ever drank at a party. I would say the most responsibly I've ever drank, period, but there have been a few occasions where all I've had was one glass of wine at dinner and that's quite reasonable. I feel like that makes me sound like a ridiculous drunk. I don't actually drink all that often.
I saw my counsellor this week for what will hopefully be the last time. She thinks that when I come back from Katimavik I probably won't need to see her at all. She said she can see how my antidepressants have made a difference: I seemed more cheerful and relaxed from the very beginning of our conversation. I'm going to miss seeing her, even if I'll be glad to be past the point where I need to. She's very fun to talk with. This week we talked about phone plans, my relationship with Wrecking Ball, my new job, and the reasons behind her kids' names. We also talked a bit about what I might do with myself in the future. She said it really sounds like I'd be happiest doing something artistic. I mentioned I was also thinking about PR, and that advertising would be a good mix of the two. I had a thought then, that maybe I could satisfy my helping-people craving by being an advertiser for a charity or NGO. But we agreed that I'm not going to stress out about my future until after Katimavik, because chances are I'll figure something out while I'm away anyway.
Tomorrow is Wrecking Ball and I's first anniversary! I am not pleased with the grammar of that statement but the only other thing I can think of is "Wrecking Ball's and my anniversary" and that sounds wrong, or "Wrecking Ball's and mine anniversary" and I know for sure that's wrong. Anybody know how I could say it properly?
Tired now and I work at 9:30 am. More later though, as I have a lot to say - I still want to talk about getting fancy things in the mail, I'm going to tie that in with a review of my feelings for the nice job I had this month, and also I have my plane ticket to get to my Katimaplacement and it makes it a lot more real and I have a lot of thoughts about that. But bed now.
- Jingle Bell Rock
On Monday night I went to a Christmas party, and I'm really proud of myself. I felt really nervous about going because I was going alone and I'm not very close with the people that were throwing it; we went to high school together and they were people I always wanted to consider friends, but I never really made an effort to get close to them. So I was very flattered that I was invited, and very glad that I had a lot of fun.
As a sort of apology to myself for my drinking on Saturday night, I was very careful at this party. I mixed my drink lightly (gin, Sprite, and maraschino cherry juice) at home and nursed the same drink all night. I had a gentle buzz on and felt relaxed, but not tipsy or anything. I think it may be the most responsibly I've ever drank at a party. I would say the most responsibly I've ever drank, period, but there have been a few occasions where all I've had was one glass of wine at dinner and that's quite reasonable. I feel like that makes me sound like a ridiculous drunk. I don't actually drink all that often.
I saw my counsellor this week for what will hopefully be the last time. She thinks that when I come back from Katimavik I probably won't need to see her at all. She said she can see how my antidepressants have made a difference: I seemed more cheerful and relaxed from the very beginning of our conversation. I'm going to miss seeing her, even if I'll be glad to be past the point where I need to. She's very fun to talk with. This week we talked about phone plans, my relationship with Wrecking Ball, my new job, and the reasons behind her kids' names. We also talked a bit about what I might do with myself in the future. She said it really sounds like I'd be happiest doing something artistic. I mentioned I was also thinking about PR, and that advertising would be a good mix of the two. I had a thought then, that maybe I could satisfy my helping-people craving by being an advertiser for a charity or NGO. But we agreed that I'm not going to stress out about my future until after Katimavik, because chances are I'll figure something out while I'm away anyway.
Tomorrow is Wrecking Ball and I's first anniversary! I am not pleased with the grammar of that statement but the only other thing I can think of is "Wrecking Ball's and my anniversary" and that sounds wrong, or "Wrecking Ball's and mine anniversary" and I know for sure that's wrong. Anybody know how I could say it properly?
Tired now and I work at 9:30 am. More later though, as I have a lot to say - I still want to talk about getting fancy things in the mail, I'm going to tie that in with a review of my feelings for the nice job I had this month, and also I have my plane ticket to get to my Katimaplacement and it makes it a lot more real and I have a lot of thoughts about that. But bed now.
The Rest Of My Birthday
"Tonight we going hard, hard, h-h-h-hard! Just like the world is ours, ours, uh-uh-uh-ours!"
- Ke$ha, We R Who We R
On Saturday I worked at the job I enjoy and then saw the musical I dropped out of with Trinity and Sister Light. Then we went to a pub where we met Sister Lioness and a friend of hers, and we were joined by Wrecking Ball, Jewel and Synth, and Cat and her boyfriend. Then Cat and I went out dancing. I was very tired all night just as I predicted, but I still had a lot of fun.
I got a little drunker than I intended to. My drinking started late so it wasn't as spaced out as it should have been, and I mixed too many different kinds of alcohol (I had some kind of liqueur in a hot chocolate, two shots with fireball and something else in them, and wine). I was just generally unintelligent with my drinking, especially since I've only recently started the antidepressants and I have already figured out they have lowered my tolerance. I got what I deserved, then, with an awful sleep (I remember waking up at least five times) and a very sour stomach the next morning. I think it is safe to say I will never intentionally get drunk again, so long as I am taking my happy pills (which are working wonderfully and so I will probably be taking them for a while).
When I woke up for good on Sunday, Wrecking Ball gave me a gorgeous necklace and earring set. The earrings are silver, long, and made of a lot of tiny spirals. The necklace is a eudialyte stone hung in a silver bracket with spiral details that match those of the earrings. He said he picked it out because he was struck very suddenly by how beautiful the eudialyte was. I looked up the meaning of the stone and decided he couldn't have picked out a better one for me if he had tried: eudialyte is "a stone of the heart" and it functions to balance out one's emotions and channel one's creativity to aid in selecting a life path. Sounds like a good stone for me to be wearing right now!
I haven't had boyfriend jewellry since I was with Acadia so I was very excited to get these. The earrings catch in my hair quite a bit so I will probably not wear them every day, but the necklace is very comfortable and I like wearing it very much.
That night, Wrecking Ball and Love came over for dinner (soup that I made myself, and it tasted just like it was supposed to!) and cake. They watched as my little sister and I decorated the Christmas tree. It's tradition in my house to decorate the tree on my birthday, the 18th. I like it because decorating the tree is a fun thing to do on my birthday, and it feels like just the right time to put it up: neither too early nor too late.
- Ke$ha, We R Who We R
On Saturday I worked at the job I enjoy and then saw the musical I dropped out of with Trinity and Sister Light. Then we went to a pub where we met Sister Lioness and a friend of hers, and we were joined by Wrecking Ball, Jewel and Synth, and Cat and her boyfriend. Then Cat and I went out dancing. I was very tired all night just as I predicted, but I still had a lot of fun.
I got a little drunker than I intended to. My drinking started late so it wasn't as spaced out as it should have been, and I mixed too many different kinds of alcohol (I had some kind of liqueur in a hot chocolate, two shots with fireball and something else in them, and wine). I was just generally unintelligent with my drinking, especially since I've only recently started the antidepressants and I have already figured out they have lowered my tolerance. I got what I deserved, then, with an awful sleep (I remember waking up at least five times) and a very sour stomach the next morning. I think it is safe to say I will never intentionally get drunk again, so long as I am taking my happy pills (which are working wonderfully and so I will probably be taking them for a while).
When I woke up for good on Sunday, Wrecking Ball gave me a gorgeous necklace and earring set. The earrings are silver, long, and made of a lot of tiny spirals. The necklace is a eudialyte stone hung in a silver bracket with spiral details that match those of the earrings. He said he picked it out because he was struck very suddenly by how beautiful the eudialyte was. I looked up the meaning of the stone and decided he couldn't have picked out a better one for me if he had tried: eudialyte is "a stone of the heart" and it functions to balance out one's emotions and channel one's creativity to aid in selecting a life path. Sounds like a good stone for me to be wearing right now!
I haven't had boyfriend jewellry since I was with Acadia so I was very excited to get these. The earrings catch in my hair quite a bit so I will probably not wear them every day, but the necklace is very comfortable and I like wearing it very much.
That night, Wrecking Ball and Love came over for dinner (soup that I made myself, and it tasted just like it was supposed to!) and cake. They watched as my little sister and I decorated the Christmas tree. It's tradition in my house to decorate the tree on my birthday, the 18th. I like it because decorating the tree is a fun thing to do on my birthday, and it feels like just the right time to put it up: neither too early nor too late.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Birthday
"Fuck you! It's my birthday! A special holiday only for me!"
- The Vandals, Happy Birthday To Me
Tonight was the first of my three days of birthday celebrations. I didn't mean to make such elaborate plans. I really just wanted what I had tonight - my closest friends over for nachos and a movie (we watched Pokemon: The First Movie), a very relaxed time. But then I wanted to invite more and more people, because I realised that a lot of people aren't going to see me again before I go to Katimavik. So then I planned another night, starting by seeing the musical I dropped out of, then going to a pub for some awesome nachos, then going to the same bar at which we celebrated last year. It's my favourite one; I feel so comfortable there.
Is it weird that I'm not looking forward to my birthday party tomorrow night? I just think I'm going to be so tired. I'll be on my feet all day working, and the bar will be so crowded... But then on Sunday it's just the tiny family dinner, plus Wrecking Ball and Love. My favourite kind of soup (I'm going to try to make it this year - scary!) and some cake and then I don't know, we can watch Harry Potter or something.
To be honest, I didn't actually have a great time tonight. I'm really, really tired. And also, it's really been hitting me the last few days that I'm going to leave and see none of these people for months. So instead of actually socializing with them, I found I just wanted to listen to their voices and be close to everyone. But it was more depressing than comforting to think about how they're all happy for me for leaving.
I'm going to blame Sister Beauty for this feeling (haha). She came over last night and we watched Annabelle's Wish, my all-time favourite Christmas movie. It was a good time, but then when she was leaving we realised that it was the last time we could see each other before I go. I thought about that today while I was working. I wish I'd hugged her more - I think I did it twice anyway, but I feel like it should have been longer. I'm going to miss her a lot. I'm going to miss everyone a lot.
Leaving is starting to feel a lot more real. I have an empty suitcase in my room now. I've started trying to decide which clothes to bring, which jewellery, which makeup, which books. If there is anything/anyone I need pictures of before I go. This whole thing feels dreamlike but with every day I can see more and more that it is actually happening.
I figured out one neat thing. I was worried about accidentally spending the money that I've saved up to pay for my phone bill and sponsored child while I'm gone. Not accidentally, really, but irresponsibly. I have a tendency to spend more than I notice. What I'm going to do is give my Dad the money and he'll use it to make repairs on one of our cars. Then, every month, he'll pay me back by making my Visa payments for me. It's pretty much a win-win: he doesn't have to come up with all that money right now, right after the holidays and my brother's dental surgery (which was supposed to be this week but it got postponed because he had a sore throat), and I don't have to worry about budgeting all that money throughout my trip. That makes me feel better about the financial aspect of going.
- The Vandals, Happy Birthday To Me
Tonight was the first of my three days of birthday celebrations. I didn't mean to make such elaborate plans. I really just wanted what I had tonight - my closest friends over for nachos and a movie (we watched Pokemon: The First Movie), a very relaxed time. But then I wanted to invite more and more people, because I realised that a lot of people aren't going to see me again before I go to Katimavik. So then I planned another night, starting by seeing the musical I dropped out of, then going to a pub for some awesome nachos, then going to the same bar at which we celebrated last year. It's my favourite one; I feel so comfortable there.
Is it weird that I'm not looking forward to my birthday party tomorrow night? I just think I'm going to be so tired. I'll be on my feet all day working, and the bar will be so crowded... But then on Sunday it's just the tiny family dinner, plus Wrecking Ball and Love. My favourite kind of soup (I'm going to try to make it this year - scary!) and some cake and then I don't know, we can watch Harry Potter or something.
To be honest, I didn't actually have a great time tonight. I'm really, really tired. And also, it's really been hitting me the last few days that I'm going to leave and see none of these people for months. So instead of actually socializing with them, I found I just wanted to listen to their voices and be close to everyone. But it was more depressing than comforting to think about how they're all happy for me for leaving.
I'm going to blame Sister Beauty for this feeling (haha). She came over last night and we watched Annabelle's Wish, my all-time favourite Christmas movie. It was a good time, but then when she was leaving we realised that it was the last time we could see each other before I go. I thought about that today while I was working. I wish I'd hugged her more - I think I did it twice anyway, but I feel like it should have been longer. I'm going to miss her a lot. I'm going to miss everyone a lot.
Leaving is starting to feel a lot more real. I have an empty suitcase in my room now. I've started trying to decide which clothes to bring, which jewellery, which makeup, which books. If there is anything/anyone I need pictures of before I go. This whole thing feels dreamlike but with every day I can see more and more that it is actually happening.
I figured out one neat thing. I was worried about accidentally spending the money that I've saved up to pay for my phone bill and sponsored child while I'm gone. Not accidentally, really, but irresponsibly. I have a tendency to spend more than I notice. What I'm going to do is give my Dad the money and he'll use it to make repairs on one of our cars. Then, every month, he'll pay me back by making my Visa payments for me. It's pretty much a win-win: he doesn't have to come up with all that money right now, right after the holidays and my brother's dental surgery (which was supposed to be this week but it got postponed because he had a sore throat), and I don't have to worry about budgeting all that money throughout my trip. That makes me feel better about the financial aspect of going.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
First Christmas of the Year
"It's a very, very, merry, merry Christmas! It's an extraordinary merry Christmas!"
- Glee, Extraordinary Merry Christmas
Last night was my sorority's Ugly Christmas Sweater Party. In my case it was actually an Ugly Sweater Christmas Party, if you can notice the difference there. I didn't make the time to get to Jingler's and buy a festive sweater so I just borrowed an unflattering green one from my dad and wore a red dress under it, in an attempt to fit the theme as best as I could. I really didn't feel out of place. I only just noticed that, but it pleases me. Usually I would have felt awkward all night and possibly left early, but in fact I was very comfortable and actually stayed much later than I had intended.
I chose not to drink anything when everyone else started, a point which I'll get back to in a moment. I want to happily say that I was able to try a small sip of champagne which was as wonderful as I have always imagined it would be (tasting champagne has been a goal of mine since I started reading the Gossip Girl novels back in grade nine). I was sad that I didn't feel comfortable finishing it because I think it would have been a very enjoyable drink.
I started antidepressants on Thursday. I wasn't originally going to post it in the blog, but I have told Love, Wrecking Ball, Jewel, and then (somewhat impulsively) my sisters, so it's hardly a secret any more. I'm not ashamed to be taking them - in fact I'm really proud of myself for seeking out help for some issues that have been going on for several years now. I just didn't want to broadcast it. But when the girls asked me why I wasn't drinking and offered to share their liquor (as the assumption at first was that I just hadn't brought my own, because I usually drink quite freely), I told them that I had just started my antidepressants and didn't want to risk the combination.
I'm actually glad that I told my sisters about it. It feels nice to be that comfortable with them. Plus, they were quite understanding about it. Sister Beauty and I had a really nice conversation about it. And Sister Gold kept asking me if I was doing OK, but not in an annoying way. My energy level dropped to zero around 7pm, so when I started dozing on the couch around 11 I think she was concerned that I wasn't having a good time. I definitely was, I just sort of felt like sleep was gripping me and I couldn't shake it off. Being so tired last night was particularly inconvenient because tonight I'm so awake I think I could write a book just to use some of this energy up. Shit.
It was a great party. I really liked spending that time with my sisters, especially since I won't be seeing much of them before I leave for Katimavik (specifically: I have no plans to see anyone, but I'm going to try very hard to see a few of them). I'm going to miss them a lot while I'm gone, and some girls are actually going to graduate before I return. If they leave the city, then I may never see them again. Just to be thoroughly paranoid.
I love being a part of this sorority. As cheesy as it sounds, I feel like I'm forming bonds with people that I wouldn't normally meet. I've always found I have trouble integrating into new groups of people so it's great that these girls are so welcoming.
I can't remember where I was going with this any more, I've been watching The Big Bang Theory while I've been writing. I think I covered everything I meant to - awesome Christmas party, the sip of champagne I'd anticipated for years, antidepressants, and loving my sorority. Sounds good.
- Glee, Extraordinary Merry Christmas
Last night was my sorority's Ugly Christmas Sweater Party. In my case it was actually an Ugly Sweater Christmas Party, if you can notice the difference there. I didn't make the time to get to Jingler's and buy a festive sweater so I just borrowed an unflattering green one from my dad and wore a red dress under it, in an attempt to fit the theme as best as I could. I really didn't feel out of place. I only just noticed that, but it pleases me. Usually I would have felt awkward all night and possibly left early, but in fact I was very comfortable and actually stayed much later than I had intended.
I chose not to drink anything when everyone else started, a point which I'll get back to in a moment. I want to happily say that I was able to try a small sip of champagne which was as wonderful as I have always imagined it would be (tasting champagne has been a goal of mine since I started reading the Gossip Girl novels back in grade nine). I was sad that I didn't feel comfortable finishing it because I think it would have been a very enjoyable drink.
I started antidepressants on Thursday. I wasn't originally going to post it in the blog, but I have told Love, Wrecking Ball, Jewel, and then (somewhat impulsively) my sisters, so it's hardly a secret any more. I'm not ashamed to be taking them - in fact I'm really proud of myself for seeking out help for some issues that have been going on for several years now. I just didn't want to broadcast it. But when the girls asked me why I wasn't drinking and offered to share their liquor (as the assumption at first was that I just hadn't brought my own, because I usually drink quite freely), I told them that I had just started my antidepressants and didn't want to risk the combination.
I'm actually glad that I told my sisters about it. It feels nice to be that comfortable with them. Plus, they were quite understanding about it. Sister Beauty and I had a really nice conversation about it. And Sister Gold kept asking me if I was doing OK, but not in an annoying way. My energy level dropped to zero around 7pm, so when I started dozing on the couch around 11 I think she was concerned that I wasn't having a good time. I definitely was, I just sort of felt like sleep was gripping me and I couldn't shake it off. Being so tired last night was particularly inconvenient because tonight I'm so awake I think I could write a book just to use some of this energy up. Shit.
It was a great party. I really liked spending that time with my sisters, especially since I won't be seeing much of them before I leave for Katimavik (specifically: I have no plans to see anyone, but I'm going to try very hard to see a few of them). I'm going to miss them a lot while I'm gone, and some girls are actually going to graduate before I return. If they leave the city, then I may never see them again. Just to be thoroughly paranoid.
I love being a part of this sorority. As cheesy as it sounds, I feel like I'm forming bonds with people that I wouldn't normally meet. I've always found I have trouble integrating into new groups of people so it's great that these girls are so welcoming.
I can't remember where I was going with this any more, I've been watching The Big Bang Theory while I've been writing. I think I covered everything I meant to - awesome Christmas party, the sip of champagne I'd anticipated for years, antidepressants, and loving my sorority. Sounds good.
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