Imagine

"We want to see the stars come out at night, the rain upon our face. We want to know that everything's all right."
- Whale Tooth, Sleepwalking


Tonight I am wondering why I like to look at wedding photography. I think it is because I like to imagine being as happy as the people in the pictures. I like to believe that someday I will have the sort of love that you can see on their faces. Part of me does enjoy looking at the photography simply as a work of art, but much of me just wants to hope that someday I'll be in pictures like these.

[Photo Credit: Sean McGrath]

Anti-Graduation

"And I'm a little bit lost without you - this ain't a love song, this is goodbye."
- Scouting For Girls, This Ain't A Love Song

Today was my last class ever at this university, as far as I can see (because who knows what the future holds, really; I didn't even expect to come here). I don't have an exam, and I won't be back next year. I'll still be taking advantage of my bus and gym passes over the summer, but I'm not a student here any more. I'm done.

It's a really weird feeling. I always expected myself to go to one university, finish my degree in the standard four years, then go start a family and a career. Now it's different. I won't be done my degree in nursing until 2016, and that's assuming that a) I get accepted for fall of 2012 and b) I pass everything necessary. This is really throwing off my imaginary life schedule. I want to be a mom really bad, but I promised myself I wouldn't start trying until I finish my first degree. But now, that's been set back by three years.

I really enjoyed my time here. I liked the academic environment. I liked attending classes (most of them, anyway). Now I feel really loose and separated. I am not a university student. I know I'm doing what's right for me, in a way, by leaving. But I can't be sure I'm heading into the right thing. I am full of all kinds of doubts. My biggest comfort right now is just knowing I'm not in debt yet, and I won't need to take out a loan until at least my second year of nursing, assuming I don't get any scholarships or bursaries. It's nice to know that my mid-education crisis isn't putting me into a bad situation.

I just feel so weird about this. Looking back at what I intended to do when I left high school, I am so far from where I thought I'd be that it is crazy. I didn't intend to stay in this city. I never thought I'd move back home after I left. I would never have imagined getting back together with Wrecking Ball. I certainly didn't think I would drop out of university. I am trying to do what's right for me but everything just feels so crazy and uncertain that it's hard to believe I'm doing what I need to do.

Fernweh

"I could float away from it all on a holiday - bon voyage - I want to get away from all I know."
- Mother Mother, Getaway

I have this itching in my skin to leave the city. When Wrecking Ball and I got back from Toronto, I felt detached from my home and wanted nothing more than to leave again. I felt this when I came back from Texas in '09 but it wasn't this bad. I thought the feeling would pass again, but it's been growing more persistent. I should probably lay some of the blame on myself for rereading 13 Little Blue Envelopes by Maureen Johnson (thanks to the Google search I did to find that author's name I found out that there is a sequel being released THIS FRIDAY awesome!) because every time I read it, it makes me want to just fly to Europe with no plan and then wander randomly for about a month.

Lately I've been wondering if I should follow this desire of mine and move away. I could move to another city in this province - there is a city barely an hour and a half away from here that offers me everything I can have here - it's the same university, I could probably even transfer to another Taco Bell. I have a lot of relatives in the area, and I've been told that cost of living is less down there too. But maybe I wouldn't be happy doing that. Maybe I only want to be gone for a little while. Maybe I want to go farther away than that. It's hard to say - I won't know until I'm gone.

Love and I are going to Cuba in August. For now, my wanderlust (thank Google again, I just found the title for this entry) (when I say "thank Google" there, it feels like I just put a website on the level of a deity. I think I'm too all-over-the-place for this tonight) will have to be content with a very short return to Toronto to retrieve Cat in two weeks.

I don't feel like tagging this entry. I have an eye appointment in the morning and I am probably going to be told that I am too blind to function and should start looking for a dog. Not really. But I am sincerely concerned about how much my eyesight has deteriorated in the last year.

Talking To Gaga

"You were cool and now you're not, just like that."
- Ke$ha, Grow A Pear

When I got home last night, there was a message in my Facebook inbox from Gaga asking if I wanted to have coffee with him. I have felt kind of awkward talking to him ever since I started dating Wrecking Ball, so I was surprised that he would still want to see me - since my awkwardness translated into little to no contact. I wasn't sure how Wrecking Ball would feel about it though, so I asked him if it would make him feel uncomfortable. His answer seemed a bit short: "I appreciate you asking, but I think this qualifies as 'none of my damn business.' I've got no right to meddle with your relationships." Honestly, I thought that sounded like he really did have an issue with it, but because he had specifically said he didn't want to interfere, I decided to accept Gaga's invitation. That, and I'd been hoping to talk to Gaga about replacing him when he leaves the group of dancers he is in at the bar.

I met him one hour before the bus I would need to take to campus. I had yogurt and granola and a hot chocolate, and he went on at length about his engineering thesis, what he is embarking on next, and the process he is putting in to finding his replacement at the bar. It struck me that I think Wrecking Ball and Gaga could really enjoy talking to each other, but I highly doubt Wrecking Ball would be open to that.

Gaga walked me out to the bus and Wrecking Ball was coincidentally crossing the street at the same time to catch his bus home (I assume). Gaga walked away and I was standing with Comfort when WB walked by. He didn't stop to talk or anything though, just went straight to his bus. Looking past my haze of anxiety, I realise the buses were leaving shortly and he didn't want to miss it. But at the time I interpreted it as an angry thing, and I remained stressed about it until Hey Rosetta! and I picked it apart in French class.

I was reminded today of something HR! said once about a crush she had on a coworker. She said something to the effect of not wanting to miss the opportunity for a great friendship with the guy just because she was attracted to him. I thought about that while I was sitting across from Gaga. I found that all I really wanted to do was tell him about how great Wrecking Ball is, and hear about his plans to travel, and tell him about why I want to switch to nursing. What I'm trying to say is, I want to really consider him a friend. I want to keep in touch with him when he is in Ethiopia and maybe see him once more before he leaves. Like Trinity, I am just excited about our friendship. The feelings that I had for him back in November have dissipated and now I just want to enjoy talking to him.

Operation: Cheer Up Trinity

"Ain't got no money in my pocket, but I'm already here."
- Ke$ha, Tik Tok

Last night I was at work until just 7:30. When I got off I checked my texts and my friend Trinity had asked me to go to Karaoke Night with her to cheer her up, because a guy she was supposed to be dating was just being a tool. I wanted to have an early night, but I asked her what time anyway and she said she wanted to get there at 9 and leave around 11. I thought that sounded perfect, so I said I could come with her.

I decided to treat myself to a manicure before I met her, partially since I had a half an hour before the bus downtown, but also because I felt I deserved one since I just finished paying off my student loan, before it even gained interest, which is something of which I'm quite proud (even if it did happen almost accidentally).

I walked into the salon at the mall and asked if they do walk-ins, without specifying what service I was interested in. They said yes, they could fit me in, and whisked me off to a little room. I already knew they clearly didn't think I wanted a manicure. I wondered about a massage, and then the woman said, "You're here for a touch up on your eyebrows, right?" Oh wow. Oh, wow. Wow. Really? Do they look that bad?! Well in that case - "Yes." So I climbed obediently onto the chair-bed thing, removed my glasses, and got my eyebrows waxed. Worlds of endless pain. I'm a little glad I got that done, because lately I have been considering getting a brazilian, but now I am quite sure that I don't want that wax anywhere else on my body. Ouch. I don't even want to think about that. I was allergic to the soothing cream she put on afterwards, so I washed it off my face before meeting Trinity.

Showing up as early as we did, we didn't have to pay cover. We each put our name in to sing several times. I went up to the bar and asked what they had for non-alcoholic drinks. The bartender mixed a few things together and told me what it was, though I don't remember now, and it tasted really good. He told me not to worry about paying for it. Because of my sore throat, I spent the next two hours sipping water almost constantly. Trinity and I went up at least a dozen times between us. It was a lot of fun, and Trinity was in a visibly better mood when I left.

I felt really good about using my night off (which I realised later that I actually don't usually have, there is something going on every night for me) to cheer her up. I don't feel like I make friends too easily. We just met last spring during a production of Curtains. We performed together in The Summer of '69, but she isn't doing The Wedding Singer with me because she is trying to move from the local theatre scene to the local film scene, so she couldn't commit to our musical. So this is a girl that I have known for about a year, and we have intentionally spent time together outside of our musical theatre world on only two occasions. It means a lot to me though, because I feel it shows a lot of progress on my part. I actually sought her out the first time we spent time together - it was my idea. I like that.