Chipmunk Cheeks

I got my wisdom teeth out on Tuesday morning. It was a hazy blur thanks to the sedative but I know Wrecking Ball supported me quite a bit. I don't think I would have felt comfortable with how absolutely fucked and high I was if I didn't have him there with me. He got me home safely and put me to bed. I think I wanted him to stay with me (actually I know I did, I just don't know if I tried to communicate that) but the anaesthetic prevented me from saying anything he could really understand and also I was asleep for a solid five hours so of course he would have been very bored had he stayed.

That afternoon I passed out, and as soon as I came to, I went under again. This terrified my parents (understandably) so the next thing I knew I was on the couch as paramedics took my blood pressure, and then I was on a stretcher in an ambulance, and then in a bed in the ER. Again, the memory is hazy because of drugs and fatigue. But I know I was panic stricken because of my feelings towards hospitals. I know I was safer there, getting fluids through my IV and having the doctors test me for who knows what. But if I had been more energetic I certainly would have had a full on panic attack. I was quite unhappy and it got worse the longer I stayed - I was there for almost four hours before they cleared me to go home.

The last few days have just been painkillers, naps, soft foods, and so much ice on my face.

Tonight I had some people over for sushi which was quite exciting. Everyone told me they liked it. More people came than I expected though so there wasn't anything leftover, though I thought there would be.

Now painkillers, bed, soft foods, painkillers, and so much more ice on my face for a little longer. I don't look that swollen any more, which is nice.

Detachment

I'm feeling an intense sense of being separated from everything that is going on around me. Even when I'm sitting beside someone, it's like they're not there. The worst thing is, I'm almost sure it's not only in my head. I think I've actually been set adrift from several of my friends.

OK, so "set adrift" is kind of melodramatic. But I've been left out of some plans and I can't tell if it's conscious exclusion, an oversight, or something I don't understand.

I have a group of friends that does a lot of roleplaying together, using a few different systems of play. Recently, someone started a new series of sessions without inviting me. That's not a huge deal, especially not by itself. It did make me wonder, when I heard about it later, why I wasn't asked, but it wasn't bothering me yet.

Another friend in that same group has been setting up a new story for some time now, posting in the forums that we use to schedule and discuss our games. He held a test session a few nights ago, which was organized off-forum. I wasn't invited to this either. That would be somewhat understandable since my character isn't ready for play (read: I haven't put any thought into them whatsoever) but as it was a test of a new system, I would have liked to be there to watch, to learn about the mechanics of this new game, and to give my input later about what I thought worked or didn't work - as getting that sort of feedback is exactly why a test session would be held. It bothered me that I was left out of that, particularly because I had already heard that I was left out of the other session.

In addition to this, I keep hearing about things that happened recently but without me, and people just aren't answering my texts as often as they used to. The text thing might be in my head. But my friends are definitely doing the things they used to include me in, and not including me now. It's a bad feeling. Everything seems normal when we hang out. We're just not hanging out.

Fph.

So it's midway through July and I haven't posted since June. I'm lying here, pretending to make jokes and literary references in my mind that I will never put in this post because even I don't think they're funny or clever.

I don't know what to post about. I just re-read my last entry, so I suppose I can update that: those kitties didn't make it, and I didn't get the internship.

But on the bright side

...

Eh. I'm in a foul mood. I have been handing out resumes and getting nothing back for weeks now. Some people to whom I mention this fact say things that are mildly helpful, some say things that are probably meant to be comforting but actually kind of make me want to curl up in a ball and give up on this whole "employment" thing. What do I need money for, anyway? I'm only going to Toronto in a few weeks, and starting school shortly after that. Sigh.

I'm teetering between feelings of apathy and anger about the whole situation. Right now I'm apathetic, just lying on my bed, propped up by so many pillows that it's like I'm sitting up. Air conditioner is pointed right at me.

I'm afraid to check my bank and credit card balances because I don't want to see that I can't afford to go visit Rose. She's so excited, and I'm so excited (when I'm not wallowing in self-pity and misery). I really feel like the short little trip would inject some life back in me. It would be a nice escape, a week of pretending I have nothing to worry about. I've been scheming ways to extend the trip but I don't have anything concrete yet.