"Know that you could set your world on fire, if you are strong enough to leave your doubts."
- Kerli, Walking On Air
Drinking diet Pepsi. Gross. It's the only pop that Spark ever buys though. I'm spending the night with her and Love tonight.
Last night, I had an anxiety attack of some sort. I don't remember it very well. I just remember feeling terrified and having trouble breathing and my mom walked in while I was slumped on the table crying quickly and weakly. This panic was brought on by trying to write an essay. I don't think I'm going to finish this semester. I can drop everything except for one course, which is a full-year course, without academic penalty. That sounds like a really good thing to do.
I have given this a little more than 24 hours of thought, and it still sounds like a good idea. Additionally, and most importantly, Wrecking Ball doesn't disapprove terribly. In fact, so far he seems almost supportive. He told me that at this point he is a semester behind, so I said we could graduate together. That sounds good.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Through The Grapevine
"I'm one, I'm two, I'm three times all into you, but inside my heart it still beats."
- Ellem, Inside Still Beats
I have more to say about this weekend, but right now I just want to talk about my afternoon.
Wrecking Ball met up with me after my class. I had skipped the gym this morning because I felt sick; I would have stayed home from class too if only I hadn't made plans with WB. It's probably best that I did. Skipping class isn't cool (I haven't done it too much yet this semester...)
We were sitting on the bottom floor of what I consider to be the main building of our campus, when I saw Comfort walking past us. Because of recent events, I needed to go give her a hug. She was on the phone though, so I sat near her until she finished her phone call and then she came back to the table with Wrecking Ball and I. Then we saw another friend walk by, and when he left the door to the outside didn't quite close behind him. Wrecking ball went to fix that, and when he was gone, I smiled at Comfort and said I couldn't believe I was dating him, because I'd had feelings for him for so long.
She asked, "Is the sex phenomenal?" and I answered, "No, we haven't done much more than kiss yet."
Comfort then informed me that Wrecking Ball's ex, who is a friend of hers, had told her that he is fantastic in bed. Holy tits. Haha. I had suspected that, from the kissing, but hearing her say that was just... wow. Haha.
Wrecking Ball and I took the bus to my place and I made him my special tomato soup, which he claimed to like. I was walking around wrapped in a blanket because I don't feel well. The water had just boiled for his tea and my NeoCitran when I turned around somewhat abruptly and walked over for a hug. He kissed me, and I said, "I'm probably contagious." He then told me the reason he hadn't sat down for the soup yet because he had gotten past the point of caring about that. Awww.
Cuddling him on my couch was nice. We watched some cooking shows, and laughed at how silly they are. I could happily spend every afternoon like that. I wish our schedules matched better.
- Ellem, Inside Still Beats
I have more to say about this weekend, but right now I just want to talk about my afternoon.
Wrecking Ball met up with me after my class. I had skipped the gym this morning because I felt sick; I would have stayed home from class too if only I hadn't made plans with WB. It's probably best that I did. Skipping class isn't cool (I haven't done it too much yet this semester...)
We were sitting on the bottom floor of what I consider to be the main building of our campus, when I saw Comfort walking past us. Because of recent events, I needed to go give her a hug. She was on the phone though, so I sat near her until she finished her phone call and then she came back to the table with Wrecking Ball and I. Then we saw another friend walk by, and when he left the door to the outside didn't quite close behind him. Wrecking ball went to fix that, and when he was gone, I smiled at Comfort and said I couldn't believe I was dating him, because I'd had feelings for him for so long.
She asked, "Is the sex phenomenal?" and I answered, "No, we haven't done much more than kiss yet."
Comfort then informed me that Wrecking Ball's ex, who is a friend of hers, had told her that he is fantastic in bed. Holy tits. Haha. I had suspected that, from the kissing, but hearing her say that was just... wow. Haha.
Wrecking Ball and I took the bus to my place and I made him my special tomato soup, which he claimed to like. I was walking around wrapped in a blanket because I don't feel well. The water had just boiled for his tea and my NeoCitran when I turned around somewhat abruptly and walked over for a hug. He kissed me, and I said, "I'm probably contagious." He then told me the reason he hadn't sat down for the soup yet because he had gotten past the point of caring about that. Awww.
Cuddling him on my couch was nice. We watched some cooking shows, and laughed at how silly they are. I could happily spend every afternoon like that. I wish our schedules matched better.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Drunk v.2.2
Things I wanted on Friday night:
- my own money (Spark paid for everything I drank, except for the shots that Mr. Molestey bought me while we danced)
- for Wrecking ball to be there with me
- sex
- to control myself (success!)
- the strength to ignore my hormones
- to dance all night (preferably with WB)
- SEX
- for Gaga to touch me
- to not want Gaga to touch me
- for Wrecking Ball to come to Love's
- SEX!
Things I got on Friday night:
- very, very drunk
- a possible concussion when I slipped on some ice
- the self-esteem boost that comes with not being a whore (thumbs up!)
- my own money (Spark paid for everything I drank, except for the shots that Mr. Molestey bought me while we danced)
- for Wrecking ball to be there with me
- sex
- to control myself (success!)
- the strength to ignore my hormones
- to dance all night (preferably with WB)
- SEX
- for Gaga to touch me
- to not want Gaga to touch me
- for Wrecking Ball to come to Love's
- SEX!
Things I got on Friday night:
- very, very drunk
- a possible concussion when I slipped on some ice
- the self-esteem boost that comes with not being a whore (thumbs up!)
Drunk v.2.1
"I know that we are young and I know that you may love me but I just can't be with you like this"
- Lady Gaga, Alejandro
At this point, I should explain who Gaga is.
Back in late October or early November, I received a friend request on Facebook from Gaga. In all of his pictures, he was either wearing a white mask or his face had been blurred, and he was wearing a white speedo-type underwear, white gloves, and white boots. His body was so tan and muscular. I thought he was gorgeous. I messaged him, basically saying, "don't tell me who you are, I like the mystery, but do I know you?" He said I didn't know him, and somehow the conversation turned into books about History (ah) and the next thing you know, we are talking back and forth for pages and pages. We had a fantastic connection, and I wanted desperately to meet him. And, to be quite honest, to fuck him.
His job is to dance at the night club that I love so much. On Friday night, he was dancing up on a raised platform and I was... mesmerized. When I saw him, I just wanted him to come down and dance with me the way Mr. Molestey eventually did. Eventually, I saw him starting to get down. I zipped over so that I would be right behind him when he got off. He turned, and paused. He put his arm around me and said in my ear, "I don't have my contacts in, but I knew it was you. I'll talk to you after." He had a very sexy Columbian accent. I nearly died.
At the end of the night, he came down from his platform and asked what my plans were for the night. I was very drunk at this point. "I have to go to Love's tonight." He asked if I could change my plans. "No, but you can come over. Prince is coming too." This was probably a bad idea.
When we left, we went to his place to wait for a taxi, because it was cold and they were pretty slow going. Spark was upset about something that had happened (I do know what, I just don't feel it's my place to say) and she and Love went into his bathroom to talk about it, where they apparently saw not one but two bottles of KY jelly in the shower. Oh man. He took me into his room so he could show me the pictures on his computer of me performing in a musical in December - I had asked him to come see me, and he did (unlike Cowboy, and this was before we broke up). He said he could put them on a disc for me sometime so I would have them.
We went back to Love's place and curled up on the couches. Spark went to bed. Prince and Love sat on one couch, Gaga and I on the other. I stretched my legs across his lap and tried not to think of how muscular and gorgeous he was. It was weird, actually. Had I been dating Acadia, or even Cowboy for that matter, I wouldn't have had any second thoughts about seducing him right then and there. But because of Wrecking Ball, all I could do was force my thoughts away from the sexual fantasy sitting beside me. Most girls, I'm sure, would be proud of not having any dirty thoughts at all. I'm proud that I didn't voice or act on them - based on my past, that is actually a great deal of progress. I'm very glad that Gaga was a gentleman, though. He had apparently heard from Prince that I had been dumped, but was unaware that I was seeing someone new. He wasn't the type of guy to make a move on a drunk girl, and I'm very happy for that, because I'm not sure my willpower is ready to be tested like that.
I started to doze off. I was really comfortable; I had been freezing cold when we came in, so I was under a duvet, and Love's couch is really great. Gaga carried me to bed (Love walked in with us, but I sincerely trust that even if she hadn't, he wouldn't have tried anything). I was asleep within minutes of lying down. In the morning, I woke up a little later than I had meant, and I was a little panicked - I would be late for babysitting for my parents if I walked home, but I was completely broke. Luckily, Gaga woke up and he shared his taxi with me. I felt terrible though; he tried to kiss me. I backed away, saying I was seeing someone but that I was definitely interested in him and that I was sorry. I still feel bad - I feel as though inviting him to Love's was leading him on. It probably was. I was just so drunk at the time, I didn't see anything wrong with bringing him back with us. I'd wanted to meet him for so long, so it was just exciting to think that we would be hanging out. It didn't occur to me that he could interpret it as anything else.
Gaga is a really smart guy though. I hope he knows I didn't intend to do that. I gave him the link to this blog (since I was being way too slack in my correspondence with him), so if you're reading this, Gaga - I'm sorry. There is a pretty low chance of Wrecking Ball and I splitting up before you leave town this spring, but I promise you, if anything happens, I'll tell you first.
- Lady Gaga, Alejandro
At this point, I should explain who Gaga is.
Back in late October or early November, I received a friend request on Facebook from Gaga. In all of his pictures, he was either wearing a white mask or his face had been blurred, and he was wearing a white speedo-type underwear, white gloves, and white boots. His body was so tan and muscular. I thought he was gorgeous. I messaged him, basically saying, "don't tell me who you are, I like the mystery, but do I know you?" He said I didn't know him, and somehow the conversation turned into books about History (ah) and the next thing you know, we are talking back and forth for pages and pages. We had a fantastic connection, and I wanted desperately to meet him. And, to be quite honest, to fuck him.
His job is to dance at the night club that I love so much. On Friday night, he was dancing up on a raised platform and I was... mesmerized. When I saw him, I just wanted him to come down and dance with me the way Mr. Molestey eventually did. Eventually, I saw him starting to get down. I zipped over so that I would be right behind him when he got off. He turned, and paused. He put his arm around me and said in my ear, "I don't have my contacts in, but I knew it was you. I'll talk to you after." He had a very sexy Columbian accent. I nearly died.
At the end of the night, he came down from his platform and asked what my plans were for the night. I was very drunk at this point. "I have to go to Love's tonight." He asked if I could change my plans. "No, but you can come over. Prince is coming too." This was probably a bad idea.
When we left, we went to his place to wait for a taxi, because it was cold and they were pretty slow going. Spark was upset about something that had happened (I do know what, I just don't feel it's my place to say) and she and Love went into his bathroom to talk about it, where they apparently saw not one but two bottles of KY jelly in the shower. Oh man. He took me into his room so he could show me the pictures on his computer of me performing in a musical in December - I had asked him to come see me, and he did (unlike Cowboy, and this was before we broke up). He said he could put them on a disc for me sometime so I would have them.
We went back to Love's place and curled up on the couches. Spark went to bed. Prince and Love sat on one couch, Gaga and I on the other. I stretched my legs across his lap and tried not to think of how muscular and gorgeous he was. It was weird, actually. Had I been dating Acadia, or even Cowboy for that matter, I wouldn't have had any second thoughts about seducing him right then and there. But because of Wrecking Ball, all I could do was force my thoughts away from the sexual fantasy sitting beside me. Most girls, I'm sure, would be proud of not having any dirty thoughts at all. I'm proud that I didn't voice or act on them - based on my past, that is actually a great deal of progress. I'm very glad that Gaga was a gentleman, though. He had apparently heard from Prince that I had been dumped, but was unaware that I was seeing someone new. He wasn't the type of guy to make a move on a drunk girl, and I'm very happy for that, because I'm not sure my willpower is ready to be tested like that.
I started to doze off. I was really comfortable; I had been freezing cold when we came in, so I was under a duvet, and Love's couch is really great. Gaga carried me to bed (Love walked in with us, but I sincerely trust that even if she hadn't, he wouldn't have tried anything). I was asleep within minutes of lying down. In the morning, I woke up a little later than I had meant, and I was a little panicked - I would be late for babysitting for my parents if I walked home, but I was completely broke. Luckily, Gaga woke up and he shared his taxi with me. I felt terrible though; he tried to kiss me. I backed away, saying I was seeing someone but that I was definitely interested in him and that I was sorry. I still feel bad - I feel as though inviting him to Love's was leading him on. It probably was. I was just so drunk at the time, I didn't see anything wrong with bringing him back with us. I'd wanted to meet him for so long, so it was just exciting to think that we would be hanging out. It didn't occur to me that he could interpret it as anything else.
Gaga is a really smart guy though. I hope he knows I didn't intend to do that. I gave him the link to this blog (since I was being way too slack in my correspondence with him), so if you're reading this, Gaga - I'm sorry. There is a pretty low chance of Wrecking Ball and I splitting up before you leave town this spring, but I promise you, if anything happens, I'll tell you first.
Drunk v.2
"That's why you take me way past the point of turning me on."
- Rihanna ft Drake, What's My Name
On Friday, there was supposed to be a dance at school, but it was cancelled due to the blizzard. I went over to Love's place, and Spark (her roommate) and I both wanted to go out and party anyway, but Love didn't want to go anywhere until Prince texted her and told her he would let her into the club for free if we went. So I borrowed Love's boots and dress, and Spark's make-up and perfume. I also straightened my hair a bit; I was entirely not myself when we went out.
I knew the guy working the coat check and he let me in for free - he did the same at my birthday. I love him. Not really. But it's very convenient. Haha. Spark bought us drinks and shots. I lost count of how many shots I had that night. I definitely had a lot. I had so many that I sent Wrecking Ball a text that said, "SsssiiinAnt sssshttss u misssb outt3" which translates roughly to, "So many shots you're missing out!" I also sent him several texts that were completely unintelligible, but were in fact me asking him for sex. I am so glad they didn't make any sense. When my drunk texting skills improve, I will really have to try to censor them better.
I felt sick at one point, so I told Love and Spark I was going to step outside. They told me they were actually going to switch clubs, so we ran outside without our coats on. We were stumbling through the snow, freezing cold, laughing at our stupidity. "Wait, guys!" I said when we were halfway there. "My ID is in my coat!" They decided to go ahead without me while I ran back. When I got inside, though, I realised it would be really stupid and risky to walk to the other bar, drunk and alone downtown. I texted Spark (since she was less drunk than Love) and said I was going to stay there. She and Love had to come back anyway so we could take Prince home with us.
I danced alone for a few minutes when I noticed a guy standing less than a meter away. I shuffled a little closer, and he did the same. Next thing you know, we were dirty dancing together. It was pretty great. I remember that he smelled like cigarettes - a scent that always turns me on. He had one hand on my waist and the other up near my shoulder, his fingers in my hair. He pulled it gently, and I gasped involuntarily. Unfortunately, the guy was perceptive, and he kept tugging my hair as we danced. I was feeling crazy. I sent Wrecking Ball another incomprehensible text asking for sex - "Usdjkrelylaterfecudha,dcsxxxxllol" I really don't know why there weren't any spaces in that message - the comma was supposed to be a space, I guess.
I later referred to the guy as Mr. Molestey, because I had decided to escape him and went to the bathroom. When I came back, he showed up behind me, and as he danced behind me, he put one hand on my breast and reached for my crotch with the other. Thankfully, Love and Spark were back at this point, so I broke away from him to go home with them. By this point, it had been decided that Gaga was going to come home with us as well.
- Rihanna ft Drake, What's My Name
On Friday, there was supposed to be a dance at school, but it was cancelled due to the blizzard. I went over to Love's place, and Spark (her roommate) and I both wanted to go out and party anyway, but Love didn't want to go anywhere until Prince texted her and told her he would let her into the club for free if we went. So I borrowed Love's boots and dress, and Spark's make-up and perfume. I also straightened my hair a bit; I was entirely not myself when we went out.
I knew the guy working the coat check and he let me in for free - he did the same at my birthday. I love him. Not really. But it's very convenient. Haha. Spark bought us drinks and shots. I lost count of how many shots I had that night. I definitely had a lot. I had so many that I sent Wrecking Ball a text that said, "SsssiiinAnt sssshttss u misssb outt3" which translates roughly to, "So many shots you're missing out!" I also sent him several texts that were completely unintelligible, but were in fact me asking him for sex. I am so glad they didn't make any sense. When my drunk texting skills improve, I will really have to try to censor them better.
I felt sick at one point, so I told Love and Spark I was going to step outside. They told me they were actually going to switch clubs, so we ran outside without our coats on. We were stumbling through the snow, freezing cold, laughing at our stupidity. "Wait, guys!" I said when we were halfway there. "My ID is in my coat!" They decided to go ahead without me while I ran back. When I got inside, though, I realised it would be really stupid and risky to walk to the other bar, drunk and alone downtown. I texted Spark (since she was less drunk than Love) and said I was going to stay there. She and Love had to come back anyway so we could take Prince home with us.
I danced alone for a few minutes when I noticed a guy standing less than a meter away. I shuffled a little closer, and he did the same. Next thing you know, we were dirty dancing together. It was pretty great. I remember that he smelled like cigarettes - a scent that always turns me on. He had one hand on my waist and the other up near my shoulder, his fingers in my hair. He pulled it gently, and I gasped involuntarily. Unfortunately, the guy was perceptive, and he kept tugging my hair as we danced. I was feeling crazy. I sent Wrecking Ball another incomprehensible text asking for sex - "Usdjkrelylaterfecudha,dcsxxxxllol" I really don't know why there weren't any spaces in that message - the comma was supposed to be a space, I guess.
I later referred to the guy as Mr. Molestey, because I had decided to escape him and went to the bathroom. When I came back, he showed up behind me, and as he danced behind me, he put one hand on my breast and reached for my crotch with the other. Thankfully, Love and Spark were back at this point, so I broke away from him to go home with them. By this point, it had been decided that Gaga was going to come home with us as well.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Amelie
I like:
- the sound of hot water being poured into a mug
- the smell of cinnamon
- the feeling of a cat's paws on my lap
- when the river in my city is so calm that it looks like glass
I don't like:
- waking up
- when I don't have any lip balm with me
- the sound of liquid spilling onto the floor
- being cold
- the sound of hot water being poured into a mug
- the smell of cinnamon
- the feeling of a cat's paws on my lap
- when the river in my city is so calm that it looks like glass
I don't like:
- waking up
- when I don't have any lip balm with me
- the sound of liquid spilling onto the floor
- being cold
Friday, January 21, 2011
Very Sober Drunk Night
"You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel."
- Bloodhound Gang, Bad Touch
Can barely keep my eyes open, but this blog is a therapy for me. There isn't anything wrong tonight, on the contrary I am in a fantastic mood. I just need to keep up the habit.
Tonight, Wrecking Ball and I went with Jewel and her new boyfriend to Karaoke Night at boom! nightclub. (It was Jewel's 20th birthday that I celebrated last Thursday, I just hadn't decided on her nickname yet.) She left with him, and Wrecking Ball and I stayed and danced until the bar closed, and then we went to McDonalds at 2:30 am. The funny thing is, we were both entirely sober. Staying at the bar until it closes and then going to McDonalds probably isn't something many people have done while sober.
I dove headfirst out of my comfort zone and sang a song for karaoke. I sang ABBA's Mamma Mia. I belted most of it - I figured everybody except for Wrecking Ball, Jewel and Jewel's date would assume I was hammered anyway. It felt pretty good. It was a little frightening, and it really concerned me that I couldn't hear my own voice, so I didn't know how I was doing. But when I finished, more than just my friends cheered. That was good - the crowd that night certainly wasn't applauding politely for everyone no matter what. There were a few acts that were met with awkward silences.
Speaking of "awkward," being at a bar while sober is very strange. It took a while for Wrecking Ball and I to get into a comfortable swing. To be honest, I wanted to be all over him as we danced, but I tried to follow what he seemed to want. We didn't dance even remotely inappropriately until Bad Touch came on near the end of the night - I think it was the second to last song to which we danced. But even when our dance moves were more shuffle and sway than bump and grind, I was having a fantastic time. Wrecking Ball admitted when we left that dancing while sober was a bit outside of his comfort zone. I told him being in a crowd full of drunks while sober was outside of my comfort zone, so we were pretty much equal anyway.
- Bloodhound Gang, Bad Touch
Can barely keep my eyes open, but this blog is a therapy for me. There isn't anything wrong tonight, on the contrary I am in a fantastic mood. I just need to keep up the habit.
Tonight, Wrecking Ball and I went with Jewel and her new boyfriend to Karaoke Night at boom! nightclub. (It was Jewel's 20th birthday that I celebrated last Thursday, I just hadn't decided on her nickname yet.) She left with him, and Wrecking Ball and I stayed and danced until the bar closed, and then we went to McDonalds at 2:30 am. The funny thing is, we were both entirely sober. Staying at the bar until it closes and then going to McDonalds probably isn't something many people have done while sober.
I dove headfirst out of my comfort zone and sang a song for karaoke. I sang ABBA's Mamma Mia. I belted most of it - I figured everybody except for Wrecking Ball, Jewel and Jewel's date would assume I was hammered anyway. It felt pretty good. It was a little frightening, and it really concerned me that I couldn't hear my own voice, so I didn't know how I was doing. But when I finished, more than just my friends cheered. That was good - the crowd that night certainly wasn't applauding politely for everyone no matter what. There were a few acts that were met with awkward silences.
Speaking of "awkward," being at a bar while sober is very strange. It took a while for Wrecking Ball and I to get into a comfortable swing. To be honest, I wanted to be all over him as we danced, but I tried to follow what he seemed to want. We didn't dance even remotely inappropriately until Bad Touch came on near the end of the night - I think it was the second to last song to which we danced. But even when our dance moves were more shuffle and sway than bump and grind, I was having a fantastic time. Wrecking Ball admitted when we left that dancing while sober was a bit outside of his comfort zone. I told him being in a crowd full of drunks while sober was outside of my comfort zone, so we were pretty much equal anyway.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Skating with Hey Rosetta!
"What's to come only fate can show, see her move like a toreador, wielding her cloak and sword."
- Hey Rosetta!, New Goodbye
This morning, I miraculously pulled myself out of bed at 8:30, caught the 9 am bus, and went to the gym with Sister Beauty. Sister Joy was also supposed to come with us, but she had an exam this morning. Sister Beauty and I decided that if one person is unable to go, the other two will still go, just to make sure that we still go every week.
After class, I went skating with Hey Rosetta!. I am hoping it will be a regular Tuesday activity (we went last week as well) because it is highly enjoyable, both for her company and for the exercise. I am not a strong skater, as I have only skated a handful of times after elementary school.
We talked the whole time we were skating about anything and everything. The only topic we never discuss is sex. We joke about it, yes (the fact that I have slept with seven people and she has only had a crush on two has made me being promiscuous into a running joke) but we don't actually talk about it. I don't even know for sure if she has had sex with Hamlet. They have been dating for almost four years, but for some reason I just don't think they have. Sometimes the time is almost right that I could ask, but I always back down. I don't think I'm meant to know, despite my curiosity.
I told her about dancing with Cowboy on Saturday, and how I had realized Sunday night that I hadn't told Wrecking Ball. I explained that the dancing didn't mean anything to me, but it certainly meant something to Cowboy, and I wasn't sure if I should tell Wrecking Ball or not. She said I should be fine with not telling him, and if he were to find out (these are her words, not mine) I have one free pass for a ridiculous drunken action, seeing as Wrecking Ball kissed our gay friend Eevee on the night of my birthday. I thought that logic sounded perfectly sound, and I had already been 95% sure I didn't need to tell him anyway. This really eased my mind though.
Hey Rosetta!'s favourite band is, can you guess, Hey Rosetta!. They are playing in town next month, and I am very excited. She is my absolute favourite person to see concerts with. We have been to three together. I am hoping to make it five: Hey Rosetta! in February and then, with a little luck, Mother Mother in March. That would be so great. All we need is a car and a hotel room. We can totally arrange that.
- Hey Rosetta!, New Goodbye
This morning, I miraculously pulled myself out of bed at 8:30, caught the 9 am bus, and went to the gym with Sister Beauty. Sister Joy was also supposed to come with us, but she had an exam this morning. Sister Beauty and I decided that if one person is unable to go, the other two will still go, just to make sure that we still go every week.
After class, I went skating with Hey Rosetta!. I am hoping it will be a regular Tuesday activity (we went last week as well) because it is highly enjoyable, both for her company and for the exercise. I am not a strong skater, as I have only skated a handful of times after elementary school.
We talked the whole time we were skating about anything and everything. The only topic we never discuss is sex. We joke about it, yes (the fact that I have slept with seven people and she has only had a crush on two has made me being promiscuous into a running joke) but we don't actually talk about it. I don't even know for sure if she has had sex with Hamlet. They have been dating for almost four years, but for some reason I just don't think they have. Sometimes the time is almost right that I could ask, but I always back down. I don't think I'm meant to know, despite my curiosity.
I told her about dancing with Cowboy on Saturday, and how I had realized Sunday night that I hadn't told Wrecking Ball. I explained that the dancing didn't mean anything to me, but it certainly meant something to Cowboy, and I wasn't sure if I should tell Wrecking Ball or not. She said I should be fine with not telling him, and if he were to find out (these are her words, not mine) I have one free pass for a ridiculous drunken action, seeing as Wrecking Ball kissed our gay friend Eevee on the night of my birthday. I thought that logic sounded perfectly sound, and I had already been 95% sure I didn't need to tell him anyway. This really eased my mind though.
Hey Rosetta!'s favourite band is, can you guess, Hey Rosetta!. They are playing in town next month, and I am very excited. She is my absolute favourite person to see concerts with. We have been to three together. I am hoping to make it five: Hey Rosetta! in February and then, with a little luck, Mother Mother in March. That would be so great. All we need is a car and a hotel room. We can totally arrange that.
March Break?!
I opened a blank post here a while ago to talk about my day but first I was browsing the internet and I have found out that MOTHER MOTHER (my favourite band, and one of Wrecking Ball's... hence his code name) are playing in TORONTO on MARCH 9TH.
TORONTO IS ONLY A 15 HOUR DRIVE AWAY.
MARCH 9TH IS IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR SPRING BREAK.
HOLY TITS.
TORONTO IS ONLY A 15 HOUR DRIVE AWAY.
MARCH 9TH IS IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR SPRING BREAK.
HOLY TITS.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
How Sweet This Is
"Am I falling apart? Is this falling in love, am I going insane?"
- Scouting For Girls, Blue As Your Eyes
When Wrecking Ball was driving me home on Saturday night, I made him listen to One and One by Scouting For Girls, because it is an excellent song and also, I was drunk so why not?
After auditioning for a local production of The Wedding Singer (I didn't get a part, but ensemble is fun enough and I respect the talent of the rest of the cast), he came to collect me and when I got into his car, I instantly recognized the song.
He had downloaded the album and put it on his iPod so we could listen to it while he drove. My heart, if it wasn't already, has been stolen.
I had more to say, but it's missing now. Love, you want to look up the rest of the lyrics to the song I quoted up there, because as far as I can tell the words relate nicely to your feelings for a certain blue eyed man.
- Scouting For Girls, Blue As Your Eyes
When Wrecking Ball was driving me home on Saturday night, I made him listen to One and One by Scouting For Girls, because it is an excellent song and also, I was drunk so why not?
After auditioning for a local production of The Wedding Singer (I didn't get a part, but ensemble is fun enough and I respect the talent of the rest of the cast), he came to collect me and when I got into his car, I instantly recognized the song.
He had downloaded the album and put it on his iPod so we could listen to it while he drove. My heart, if it wasn't already, has been stolen.
I had more to say, but it's missing now. Love, you want to look up the rest of the lyrics to the song I quoted up there, because as far as I can tell the words relate nicely to your feelings for a certain blue eyed man.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Texts From Last Night
After Sister Saviour started dancing with me, Cowboy hurried downstairs and out of the room. I didn't see him as she walked me out a few minutes later when Wrecking Ball had arrived to drive me home. I'm still a bit embarrassed about that car ride. But I digress. When I got home, we had this conversation...
2:13 am. Cowboy: im sorry. im sorry i couldnt show you how i really felt about you. im sorry i wasnt the man you needed me to be. im sorry i couldnt say i love you when it mattered. i just want you to be happy. i do love you and wish only the best for you. goodbye [Horchata]. maybe some day i can actually just be a friend. until then i love you and good luck
2:15 am. Horchata: Im sorry I dnacef with youuuu. It eassnt nice ifvnmeee. I'm sorry I danced with you. It wasn't nice of me.
2:19 am. Cowboy: it was my mistake to have ever neglected you. so this is my mistake and i hope you someday forgive me because i know i should have never let you go
2:20 am. Horchata: Don'tt thinj kuke thst . Wer might nrot haveebeeen happy togthey. Look on the brugjt sid now y can fins slmeone whio is aesme. Don't think like that. We might not have been happy together. Look on the bright side; now you can find someone who is (?)awesome.
2:21 am. Cowboy: i dont want someone else and thats the problem
2:22 am. Horchata: Yiu eilll someday itis ibky earkty.. It eill giet easyer over tume. You will someday, it is (?!) early... It will get easier over time.
2:24 am. Cowboy: maybe. but either way i love. and i shouldnt have let you go. and im sorry i didnt do right. your what i wanted and somehow i fucked up and im sorry
2:28 am. Horchata: O fuckef up too don'tjust balne yourslegm. I fucked up too, don't just blame yourself.
2:29 am. Cowboy: maybe but i caused it
2:29 am. Horchata: I stul ldidbt have ti do whati dudm. Itvwas wrng. I still didn't have to do what I did. It was wrong.
2:32 am. Cowboy: perhaps but not now either way ive lost the woman i love and if i hadnt been such a fool maybe youd still be here with me. but i was.....and ur not....
2:35 am. Horchata: Ur makin me os saddddd im sorrrrrryyy :((((( You're making me so sad! I'm sorry :(
2:36 am. Cowboy: not as sorry as i am.
2:36 am. Horchata: U need a hugg. Go fnd someiebe and get ahug You need a hug. Go find (?)someone and get a hug.
2:38 am. Cowboy: it wouldnt be who i want it from
2:41 am. Horchata: Ur najing me feel so bad for leavibg. You're making me feel so bad for leaving.
2:44 am. Cowboy: you didnt i did. and thats on me. im responsible for this
2:51 am. Horchata: I eas done wuth us bwfire you left me. I hsd been done for awhuel. It us not yout fult, thid id what I do.. I was done with us before you left me. I had been done for a while. It is not your fault; this is what I do.
2:53 am. Cowboy: i just dont feel that way. cuz either way i do love you and i should have been smart about it from the beginning.
2:54 am. Horchata: Imsrrry. I am hsppy eith him noew. Im sorrry it didnt wokr eith ud I loved u tooo. Bu not enough I guedd, I'm sorry. I am happy with him now. I'm sorry it didn't work with us; I loved you too. But not enough I guess.
2:55 am. Cowboy: i know
2:58 am. Cowboy: thats why i left when i did. you deserve better
3:07 am. Horchata: So d u So do you.
3:15 am. Cowboy: maybe ill want something else someday
3:16 am. I hope som. You should wat soneine who wants yoy as much as you eant them. I hope so. You should want someone who wants you as much as you want them.
3:18 am. Cowboy: perhaps so
I just want to say, in my defence, that I have only had this phone a few weeks. It requires buttons to be pressed firmly with the smallest possible part of the finger, and even then I need to proofread twice before I send a text. Drinking eliminates both proofreading and paying attention to how much of my finger is touching the button. I'm not denying that I was ridiculously drunk. I just wanted to say I'm not proud of my writing skills here.
2:13 am. Cowboy: im sorry. im sorry i couldnt show you how i really felt about you. im sorry i wasnt the man you needed me to be. im sorry i couldnt say i love you when it mattered. i just want you to be happy. i do love you and wish only the best for you. goodbye [Horchata]. maybe some day i can actually just be a friend. until then i love you and good luck
2:15 am. Horchata: Im sorry I dnacef with youuuu. It eassnt nice ifvnmeee. I'm sorry I danced with you. It wasn't nice of me.
2:19 am. Cowboy: it was my mistake to have ever neglected you. so this is my mistake and i hope you someday forgive me because i know i should have never let you go
2:20 am. Horchata: Don'tt thinj kuke thst . Wer might nrot haveebeeen happy togthey. Look on the brugjt sid now y can fins slmeone whio is aesme. Don't think like that. We might not have been happy together. Look on the bright side; now you can find someone who is (?)awesome.
2:21 am. Cowboy: i dont want someone else and thats the problem
2:22 am. Horchata: Yiu eilll someday itis ibky earkty.. It eill giet easyer over tume. You will someday, it is (?!) early... It will get easier over time.
2:24 am. Cowboy: maybe. but either way i love. and i shouldnt have let you go. and im sorry i didnt do right. your what i wanted and somehow i fucked up and im sorry
2:28 am. Horchata: O fuckef up too don'tjust balne yourslegm. I fucked up too, don't just blame yourself.
2:29 am. Cowboy: maybe but i caused it
2:29 am. Horchata: I stul ldidbt have ti do whati dudm. Itvwas wrng. I still didn't have to do what I did. It was wrong.
2:32 am. Cowboy: perhaps but not now either way ive lost the woman i love and if i hadnt been such a fool maybe youd still be here with me. but i was.....and ur not....
2:35 am. Horchata: Ur makin me os saddddd im sorrrrrryyy :((((( You're making me so sad! I'm sorry :(
2:36 am. Cowboy: not as sorry as i am.
2:36 am. Horchata: U need a hugg. Go fnd someiebe and get ahug You need a hug. Go find (?)someone and get a hug.
2:38 am. Cowboy: it wouldnt be who i want it from
2:41 am. Horchata: Ur najing me feel so bad for leavibg. You're making me feel so bad for leaving.
2:44 am. Cowboy: you didnt i did. and thats on me. im responsible for this
2:51 am. Horchata: I eas done wuth us bwfire you left me. I hsd been done for awhuel. It us not yout fult, thid id what I do.. I was done with us before you left me. I had been done for a while. It is not your fault; this is what I do.
2:53 am. Cowboy: i just dont feel that way. cuz either way i do love you and i should have been smart about it from the beginning.
2:54 am. Horchata: Imsrrry. I am hsppy eith him noew. Im sorrry it didnt wokr eith ud I loved u tooo. Bu not enough I guedd, I'm sorry. I am happy with him now. I'm sorry it didn't work with us; I loved you too. But not enough I guess.
2:55 am. Cowboy: i know
2:58 am. Cowboy: thats why i left when i did. you deserve better
3:07 am. Horchata: So d u So do you.
3:15 am. Cowboy: maybe ill want something else someday
3:16 am. I hope som. You should wat soneine who wants yoy as much as you eant them. I hope so. You should want someone who wants you as much as you want them.
3:18 am. Cowboy: perhaps so
I just want to say, in my defence, that I have only had this phone a few weeks. It requires buttons to be pressed firmly with the smallest possible part of the finger, and even then I need to proofread twice before I send a text. Drinking eliminates both proofreading and paying attention to how much of my finger is touching the button. I'm not denying that I was ridiculously drunk. I just wanted to say I'm not proud of my writing skills here.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Drunk
"There's nothing like a little bit of class wrapped up in a perfect ass."
- Scouting For Girls, Posh Girls
You have no idea how hard it is to write this. I am quite inebriated. I am pushing each key so carefully and proofreading so much. It's slow going and I have barely started.
I had a lot to drink tonight. More, I believe, than I have ever had.
Cowboy was there and I don't know why but I invited him upstairs to the private party that I was at. We talked a little bit. Near the end of the night, we were dancing, and then suddenly we were dirty dancing, the way that would mean nothing with a stranger but seems to definitely mean something with an ex. I opened my eyes (when I get very drunk I seem to close my eyes a lot while I dance) and there was a girl from my sorority, Sister Saviour [My sorority sisters will all get coded Sister names. We have Sister names but any names in my blog will not be their real Sister names but instead my own private names for them just like everyone else). Sister Saviour grabbed my hand and we danced for a minute and I just kept saying "Thank you." That was definitely forbidden territory. I texted Wrecking Ball and he came and got me and drove me home, so triple bonus: I got to see him, I got to kiss him, and I didn't have to pay for a taxi (in that order of preference). I really really wanted to do things to Wrecking Ball. Haha.
I think I am a complete nympho, because if I am not sober (whether I be drunk or high) I am horny. I am also frequently horny when I am not un-sober but it seems worse if I am not sober.
I will say more about tonight tomorrow if I can remember stuff.
- Scouting For Girls, Posh Girls
You have no idea how hard it is to write this. I am quite inebriated. I am pushing each key so carefully and proofreading so much. It's slow going and I have barely started.
I had a lot to drink tonight. More, I believe, than I have ever had.
Cowboy was there and I don't know why but I invited him upstairs to the private party that I was at. We talked a little bit. Near the end of the night, we were dancing, and then suddenly we were dirty dancing, the way that would mean nothing with a stranger but seems to definitely mean something with an ex. I opened my eyes (when I get very drunk I seem to close my eyes a lot while I dance) and there was a girl from my sorority, Sister Saviour [My sorority sisters will all get coded Sister names. We have Sister names but any names in my blog will not be their real Sister names but instead my own private names for them just like everyone else). Sister Saviour grabbed my hand and we danced for a minute and I just kept saying "Thank you." That was definitely forbidden territory. I texted Wrecking Ball and he came and got me and drove me home, so triple bonus: I got to see him, I got to kiss him, and I didn't have to pay for a taxi (in that order of preference). I really really wanted to do things to Wrecking Ball. Haha.
I think I am a complete nympho, because if I am not sober (whether I be drunk or high) I am horny. I am also frequently horny when I am not un-sober but it seems worse if I am not sober.
I will say more about tonight tomorrow if I can remember stuff.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Siesta
"In the afternoon, you're out on the stone and grass, and I'm sleeping on the balcony after class."
- Vampire Weekend, Campus
I don't know how I made it through all of my classes alive today. I was dozing in the front row of my Poli Sci course and as soon as we were dismissed I headed all the way to the top floor of the building and settled into a squishy chair. I had an hour before I had to catch the bus to work. I set out my textbook, agenda, notes, and a highlighter and then curled up with my head on my coat. I figured it would look like I gave up on studying and took a nap instead. It seemed too embarrassing to be there for the sole purpose of catching up on the sleep I missed last night.
When my alarm went off, people turned to look at me. I wondered if I had been snoring, then sat up and felt the drool on my face, saw the spot on my coat. Sexy. I hope nobody noticed. I don't normally drool in my sleep.
It's fun to imagine though, me curled up on the chair, snoring loudly and drooling as everyone around me tried to study. Sorry guys. I had to recharge before work.
I'm doing an eight hour shift tomorrow, and then hitting up a new club (both new-to-me and new-to-the-city, as I have only been to two bars and this place only opened up this fall) for my sorority sister's birthday. I am hoping Wrecking Ball will come with me. I'd like to go to his place for some alone-with-him time. I don't know what I'm going to wear. Love might also be hitting the town; I have to remember to text her. Right now, though, I am going to sleep. Right this minute.
- Vampire Weekend, Campus
I don't know how I made it through all of my classes alive today. I was dozing in the front row of my Poli Sci course and as soon as we were dismissed I headed all the way to the top floor of the building and settled into a squishy chair. I had an hour before I had to catch the bus to work. I set out my textbook, agenda, notes, and a highlighter and then curled up with my head on my coat. I figured it would look like I gave up on studying and took a nap instead. It seemed too embarrassing to be there for the sole purpose of catching up on the sleep I missed last night.
When my alarm went off, people turned to look at me. I wondered if I had been snoring, then sat up and felt the drool on my face, saw the spot on my coat. Sexy. I hope nobody noticed. I don't normally drool in my sleep.
It's fun to imagine though, me curled up on the chair, snoring loudly and drooling as everyone around me tried to study. Sorry guys. I had to recharge before work.
I'm doing an eight hour shift tomorrow, and then hitting up a new club (both new-to-me and new-to-the-city, as I have only been to two bars and this place only opened up this fall) for my sorority sister's birthday. I am hoping Wrecking Ball will come with me. I'd like to go to his place for some alone-with-him time. I don't know what I'm going to wear. Love might also be hitting the town; I have to remember to text her. Right now, though, I am going to sleep. Right this minute.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Classes At Nine In The Morning Should Be Outlawed
"I've got my needs, but I don't need sleep."
- Scouting For Girls, One And One
That lyric is a lie. I need sleep so badly, but that song is my new flavor of the week.
I woke up at 8:20, called a taxi from my bed, and was on time for my 9 am class. I did not sleep through Latin. I am almost awake now.
I may still be wearing last night's makeup, last night's hair, and last night's underwear, but as far as anyone can see I am just a girl who makes an effort. Until they notice that my eyes are out of focus and the stamp is still on my hand from the bar last night.
I feel like I am already behind on course work, which is terrifying. I need to cut back my hours at work, but first I need to pay for my tuition. And for a trip to Jamaica for my Aunt's wedding. I'm starting to think that's not going to happen though.
Time to agonize through a French Grammar class. I love French, I just don't love this specific course; it isn't taught well.
I think I'm going to Tim Horton's first. It's a necessity.
- Scouting For Girls, One And One
That lyric is a lie. I need sleep so badly, but that song is my new flavor of the week.
I woke up at 8:20, called a taxi from my bed, and was on time for my 9 am class. I did not sleep through Latin. I am almost awake now.
I may still be wearing last night's makeup, last night's hair, and last night's underwear, but as far as anyone can see I am just a girl who makes an effort. Until they notice that my eyes are out of focus and the stamp is still on my hand from the bar last night.
I feel like I am already behind on course work, which is terrifying. I need to cut back my hours at work, but first I need to pay for my tuition. And for a trip to Jamaica for my Aunt's wedding. I'm starting to think that's not going to happen though.
Time to agonize through a French Grammar class. I love French, I just don't love this specific course; it isn't taught well.
I think I'm going to Tim Horton's first. It's a necessity.
Taxi Driver
"The high-minded man must care more for the truth than for what people think."
- Aristotle
I got into the taxi and as I leaned over to do my seatbelt, I saw a copy of the Holy Bible on the floor. I asked if that was what he had been reading before I got in, and he started to explain that he feels he is a better person for reading it. I confessed I have never read the bible, and then worried he would judge me for it, so I blamed the small print. He lifted it up and showed me the print size, which also revealed how he had highlighted passages. I was impressed.
"Would you consider yourself religious, or do you read it as a 'words of wisdom' thing?" I asked. He went on to explain how he had changed over the last few years to be more moderate, and how he didn't find it to be a religion thing, so much as he could see himself as being neither better nor worse than anyone else, but in reading the Bible he was associating with something pure and free of sin. It reminded me of the attempts to find the good done by Plato and Aristotle; I recommended he read Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics and gave him 10$, telling him to keep the change. I'm not sure if that was because I felt bad already for accepting the money from that guy at the bar or if I just recognized that this man probably looked at the world in exactly the way I try to, but either way he was quite happy with the four dollar tip, and I don't regret it.
I have class in six hours. I miss Wrecking Ball so much it is crazy. I really took seeing him for granted over the break. We would see each other almost every other night. We last saw each other on Wednesday (shortly before I slid to the floor) and we last had plans together on Sunday night. We'll be doing something this weekend, but it just feels so far away.
All night I was wishing he was with me. When I danced with that guy, and when the other guy from the party (who asked me if I was going to fuck the guy) seemed to be flirting with me, I tried to enjoy the attention the way I used to, but it wasn't the same. I didn't care, because they weren't him. (Oh, Cowboy, how I hate to use your words, but even worse, how I hate to understand that flat, empty feeling that is clouding where excitement and novelty are supposed to be.)
- Aristotle
I got into the taxi and as I leaned over to do my seatbelt, I saw a copy of the Holy Bible on the floor. I asked if that was what he had been reading before I got in, and he started to explain that he feels he is a better person for reading it. I confessed I have never read the bible, and then worried he would judge me for it, so I blamed the small print. He lifted it up and showed me the print size, which also revealed how he had highlighted passages. I was impressed.
"Would you consider yourself religious, or do you read it as a 'words of wisdom' thing?" I asked. He went on to explain how he had changed over the last few years to be more moderate, and how he didn't find it to be a religion thing, so much as he could see himself as being neither better nor worse than anyone else, but in reading the Bible he was associating with something pure and free of sin. It reminded me of the attempts to find the good done by Plato and Aristotle; I recommended he read Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics and gave him 10$, telling him to keep the change. I'm not sure if that was because I felt bad already for accepting the money from that guy at the bar or if I just recognized that this man probably looked at the world in exactly the way I try to, but either way he was quite happy with the four dollar tip, and I don't regret it.
I have class in six hours. I miss Wrecking Ball so much it is crazy. I really took seeing him for granted over the break. We would see each other almost every other night. We last saw each other on Wednesday (shortly before I slid to the floor) and we last had plans together on Sunday night. We'll be doing something this weekend, but it just feels so far away.
All night I was wishing he was with me. When I danced with that guy, and when the other guy from the party (who asked me if I was going to fuck the guy) seemed to be flirting with me, I tried to enjoy the attention the way I used to, but it wasn't the same. I didn't care, because they weren't him. (Oh, Cowboy, how I hate to use your words, but even worse, how I hate to understand that flat, empty feeling that is clouding where excitement and novelty are supposed to be.)
Out On The Town
"It's always been inside of you, ooh, ooh, and now it's time to let it through, ooh, ooh."
- Katy Perry, Firework
Tonight I went out and did a terrible thing. Not terrible in the, "I will hate myself forever" way. Just in the, "I shouldn't have done that, it was really cruel" way.
I was out at a bar celebrating a friend's 20th birthday and a guy asked me to dance. I allowed him. He wasn't Wrecking Ball, and I was painfully aware of that all night. I was just trying to have a good time and dance with a stranger, but no, all I could think of was Wrecking Ball. Don't get me wrong - I wasn't trying to put him out of my mind. I was just hoping to have fun dancing with this poor guy who wanted me badly but had no idea that I had no intention of doing anything with him, and that was really hard to do with how much Wrecking Ball was on my mind. I really just wanted to be with him all night and I didn't even see him today. The guy was buying me a drink at the bar and one of the guys that was part of the party asked if I was going to fuck him. "Fuck him?" I laughed. "I'm not even going to let him kiss me."
I gave him a fake number, which is coincidentally Acadia's number. Heheh... I realized after I had gotten in the cab and he told me he would call me that this has the potential for disaster, since Acadia could very well give the guy my real information. I hadn't thought that through.
At one point, Great Big Sea's "Home for a Rest" started playing. He asked if I could keep up with the song. I took off my heels and did a demonstration of my tap dancing skills, which wasn't bad for a buzzed/tipsy/drunk/whatever girl who hasn't tapped in almost two years. It was brilliantly fun. Unfortunately, in taking off my boots, I lost my money. I don't know how much I had had on me. I will figure it out now. I had withdrawn 40$, and coat check was 1,50$. I bought a drink for 4,75$, so I should have had 33,75$ left. When I realized my money was missing, I panicked. Dancing guy pulled 30$ from his wallet and gave it to me. I was so relieved I could have kissed him, but instead I hugged him tightly. I feel like a bad person for taking it from him but uh... he offered, so...
No, no excuse, that was a really crap thing to do, especially since I still gave him a fake number. He was going on and on about how special I am and how I'm a gem and one of a kind. He said I'm amazing. I wondered what I could have possibly done to attract him so much. I was wearing a pleather mini skirt and danced quite sensually, which may have been a large part of it. Whatever though. I told him I was crazy, and I blocked his attempt to kiss me before he gave me the money. I really only feel bad because I know I should feel bad.
- Katy Perry, Firework
Tonight I went out and did a terrible thing. Not terrible in the, "I will hate myself forever" way. Just in the, "I shouldn't have done that, it was really cruel" way.
I was out at a bar celebrating a friend's 20th birthday and a guy asked me to dance. I allowed him. He wasn't Wrecking Ball, and I was painfully aware of that all night. I was just trying to have a good time and dance with a stranger, but no, all I could think of was Wrecking Ball. Don't get me wrong - I wasn't trying to put him out of my mind. I was just hoping to have fun dancing with this poor guy who wanted me badly but had no idea that I had no intention of doing anything with him, and that was really hard to do with how much Wrecking Ball was on my mind. I really just wanted to be with him all night and I didn't even see him today. The guy was buying me a drink at the bar and one of the guys that was part of the party asked if I was going to fuck him. "Fuck him?" I laughed. "I'm not even going to let him kiss me."
I gave him a fake number, which is coincidentally Acadia's number. Heheh... I realized after I had gotten in the cab and he told me he would call me that this has the potential for disaster, since Acadia could very well give the guy my real information. I hadn't thought that through.
At one point, Great Big Sea's "Home for a Rest" started playing. He asked if I could keep up with the song. I took off my heels and did a demonstration of my tap dancing skills, which wasn't bad for a buzzed/tipsy/drunk/whatever girl who hasn't tapped in almost two years. It was brilliantly fun. Unfortunately, in taking off my boots, I lost my money. I don't know how much I had had on me. I will figure it out now. I had withdrawn 40$, and coat check was 1,50$. I bought a drink for 4,75$, so I should have had 33,75$ left. When I realized my money was missing, I panicked. Dancing guy pulled 30$ from his wallet and gave it to me. I was so relieved I could have kissed him, but instead I hugged him tightly. I feel like a bad person for taking it from him but uh... he offered, so...
No, no excuse, that was a really crap thing to do, especially since I still gave him a fake number. He was going on and on about how special I am and how I'm a gem and one of a kind. He said I'm amazing. I wondered what I could have possibly done to attract him so much. I was wearing a pleather mini skirt and danced quite sensually, which may have been a large part of it. Whatever though. I told him I was crazy, and I blocked his attempt to kiss me before he gave me the money. I really only feel bad because I know I should feel bad.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
I Want To Hold Your Hand
"Hey, boy, won't you take me out tonight? I get excited when I think of crawling into your arms."
- The Bird And The Bee, My Love
Wrecking Ball and I can talk for hours. We have spent a few nights driving for hours in his car. We drove an hour away one morning and did a forty minute hike up to a lookout spot, then hiked down and drove back, talking the whole way. On New Year's, we watched the sun rise together. On the Sunday that just went by, after we had watched the Spanish movie Record (or [REC]), the inspiration for the English movie Quarantine, we lay in bed talking for around three hours. He held me as I confessed to the whole chlamydia thing with Cowboy.
To be fair to Cowboy, I actually caught it from the guy I dated just before him. But it was Cowboy who never got himself tested, and it was Cowboy who ignored me in September when I said, "No, we shouldn't".
Now that Love is reading this, I have to apologize. I know the morning after that night I was in a good mood, and I told you we had had sex, but I told you he had been tested as clean. I just didn't want to admit that it had happened the way it did. I was instead focusing on the fact that he had wanted me that much. I'm sorry, Love, but I was too embarrassed to tell you what I had allowed to happen.
Wrecking Ball didn't push me away like I thought he would. He was silent as I haltingly, tremblingly told him the story - how afraid I had been that the diagnosis would be worse, how there is now the possibility that I may not be able to have children (yes the chance is small, but it exists, and that is enough), how I wasn't sure if I wanted to consider September "non-consensual" because then it would be the same as rape, wouldn't it? Even though I definitely didn't want to. Once he was inside me, he was saying, "you're going to be so mad at me aren't you," and all I could say was, "just don't talk about it, just keep going." I didn't tell that to Wrecking Ball though. I couldn't.
I finally finished that agonizing story. "I wish I hadn't wanted to talk about that," I said. "I feel embarrassed." He told me he hadn't heard anything in the story that I should be embarrassed about. It was the perfect thing to say. I felt so good in his arms. Comfortable. Safe. Like it was home.
- The Bird And The Bee, My Love
Wrecking Ball and I can talk for hours. We have spent a few nights driving for hours in his car. We drove an hour away one morning and did a forty minute hike up to a lookout spot, then hiked down and drove back, talking the whole way. On New Year's, we watched the sun rise together. On the Sunday that just went by, after we had watched the Spanish movie Record (or [REC]), the inspiration for the English movie Quarantine, we lay in bed talking for around three hours. He held me as I confessed to the whole chlamydia thing with Cowboy.
To be fair to Cowboy, I actually caught it from the guy I dated just before him. But it was Cowboy who never got himself tested, and it was Cowboy who ignored me in September when I said, "No, we shouldn't".
Now that Love is reading this, I have to apologize. I know the morning after that night I was in a good mood, and I told you we had had sex, but I told you he had been tested as clean. I just didn't want to admit that it had happened the way it did. I was instead focusing on the fact that he had wanted me that much. I'm sorry, Love, but I was too embarrassed to tell you what I had allowed to happen.
Wrecking Ball didn't push me away like I thought he would. He was silent as I haltingly, tremblingly told him the story - how afraid I had been that the diagnosis would be worse, how there is now the possibility that I may not be able to have children (yes the chance is small, but it exists, and that is enough), how I wasn't sure if I wanted to consider September "non-consensual" because then it would be the same as rape, wouldn't it? Even though I definitely didn't want to. Once he was inside me, he was saying, "you're going to be so mad at me aren't you," and all I could say was, "just don't talk about it, just keep going." I didn't tell that to Wrecking Ball though. I couldn't.
I finally finished that agonizing story. "I wish I hadn't wanted to talk about that," I said. "I feel embarrassed." He told me he hadn't heard anything in the story that I should be embarrassed about. It was the perfect thing to say. I felt so good in his arms. Comfortable. Safe. Like it was home.
His Fingers Like Ice on Fire
"Those lips and teeth that asked how my day went are shouting up from cracks in the pavement"
- Vampire Weekend, Horchata
I called Cowboy. I just couldn't go without telling him. I had been preparing myself all day, by which I mean I spent all day complaining about the fact that he withheld that he loves me, dreading our rendez-vous, and at one point lying listlessly on the floor in a seating area on campus, moaning about how I didn't want to talk to him at all.
It went much better than I expected it, and it took a great deal of stress off my shoulders.
As I joked to Love on MSN, my biggest problem now is that I want Wrecking Ball's dick in or around my mouth, but we're not ready for that yet. The thing is, we are nineteen (he will actually be twenty in a few weeks) and neither of us knows how fast it is natural to go. I usually jump in headfirst, and he hasn't dated anyone since his girlfriend of over three years left him abruptly this fall (apparently she moved in with a guy barely a week after she dumped him!).
When we are having one of our marathon kissing sessions, our hands roam under each other's shirts. We pull each other desperately close, and moan or sigh as feelings overwhelm. But apart from his attention to my nipples, there has been no contact with actual genitalia. I like it this way, in a way. It feels nice to go at such a slow pace while still knowing the attraction is there. He is so attentive, too. He noticed the first time he tried it that kissing my top lip makes me tense up with pleasure. He seems to know just when to slow down the intensity and when to speed it up. And he knows, without my taking his hand away, that I'm not ready for anything further than the two inches into my pants that he has reached. But oh, when he reaches there... I swear, I feel time slow down. His fingers feel like ice melting on fire, sending shivers across my stomach as I feel my skin burn. He reaches in at just the right angle that even if he went farther than he intended, he would find himself on my leg and not in my pubic hair, which I think is good because I kind of feel like that's a point of hard return. I will, on occasion, reach into his pants myself. Just far enough that I can get a grip on his belt from the inside and pull him closer still. I believe that when I do that, my hand has a similar effect on him as his does on me.
Don't worry, readers. When we finally do more, I'm not going to share every detail like that. I just really wanted to give you an idea of how intense it is when we are kissing for hours, so I can contrast it with the next image: talking.
- Vampire Weekend, Horchata
I called Cowboy. I just couldn't go without telling him. I had been preparing myself all day, by which I mean I spent all day complaining about the fact that he withheld that he loves me, dreading our rendez-vous, and at one point lying listlessly on the floor in a seating area on campus, moaning about how I didn't want to talk to him at all.
It went much better than I expected it, and it took a great deal of stress off my shoulders.
As I joked to Love on MSN, my biggest problem now is that I want Wrecking Ball's dick in or around my mouth, but we're not ready for that yet. The thing is, we are nineteen (he will actually be twenty in a few weeks) and neither of us knows how fast it is natural to go. I usually jump in headfirst, and he hasn't dated anyone since his girlfriend of over three years left him abruptly this fall (apparently she moved in with a guy barely a week after she dumped him!).
When we are having one of our marathon kissing sessions, our hands roam under each other's shirts. We pull each other desperately close, and moan or sigh as feelings overwhelm. But apart from his attention to my nipples, there has been no contact with actual genitalia. I like it this way, in a way. It feels nice to go at such a slow pace while still knowing the attraction is there. He is so attentive, too. He noticed the first time he tried it that kissing my top lip makes me tense up with pleasure. He seems to know just when to slow down the intensity and when to speed it up. And he knows, without my taking his hand away, that I'm not ready for anything further than the two inches into my pants that he has reached. But oh, when he reaches there... I swear, I feel time slow down. His fingers feel like ice melting on fire, sending shivers across my stomach as I feel my skin burn. He reaches in at just the right angle that even if he went farther than he intended, he would find himself on my leg and not in my pubic hair, which I think is good because I kind of feel like that's a point of hard return. I will, on occasion, reach into his pants myself. Just far enough that I can get a grip on his belt from the inside and pull him closer still. I believe that when I do that, my hand has a similar effect on him as his does on me.
Don't worry, readers. When we finally do more, I'm not going to share every detail like that. I just really wanted to give you an idea of how intense it is when we are kissing for hours, so I can contrast it with the next image: talking.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Potential Postponement
"In such instances the untidy reality of history is beside the point."
- John Tosh, The Pursuit of History, 5th ed.
It would be a half an hour until D-Day except for the fact that the weather is reflecting my mood (it is a small-scale blizzard) and there is no point in going outside. I texted Cowboy and told him I am not going all the way up to where he works in this weather and if he still wants to talk he can meet me closer to my house. He hasn't answered yet, but I wouldn't expect him to answer while he is still working.
All day, people have been telling me I shouldn't feel so bad about what I have to say to him. He is the one that dumped me, and I need to look at my own happiness.
I know that is a very good point, but I also know that I still feel like crap and it won't go away.
I hope we reschedule this so that I don't have to deal with it.
- John Tosh, The Pursuit of History, 5th ed.
It would be a half an hour until D-Day except for the fact that the weather is reflecting my mood (it is a small-scale blizzard) and there is no point in going outside. I texted Cowboy and told him I am not going all the way up to where he works in this weather and if he still wants to talk he can meet me closer to my house. He hasn't answered yet, but I wouldn't expect him to answer while he is still working.
All day, people have been telling me I shouldn't feel so bad about what I have to say to him. He is the one that dumped me, and I need to look at my own happiness.
I know that is a very good point, but I also know that I still feel like crap and it won't go away.
I hope we reschedule this so that I don't have to deal with it.
Goodnight, Goodnight
"So go, I know, you would not stay. It wasn't true, but anyway."
- Vampire Weekend, M79
I am spending tonight at Love's house. She was texting Cowboy last night too; when I didn't answer him right away (he had texted while I was still at work) he sent her some panicked messages.
She read me one: "I have tried to see other girls but... they're just not her."
I found myself inexplicably making a high pitched noise, somewhat softly, like the sound a kettle makes when it boils. Then I remembered the girl in Pontypool (you need to see that movie) and I started to giggle. Before either Love or I knew what was going on, I was hysterical. Legitimately hysterical. I was roaring with laughter, gasping for air, and tears were running down my face. It took me almost twenty minutes to calm down.
It is now 5:53 am. I am meeting Cowboy in fourteen hours and seven minutes. I am breaking his heart tonight. If there was any way I could avoid this, I would. But he is going to tell me he regrets leaving me and I...
I could tell him I am happier than I have been in a very, very long time, and ask him to be happy for me.
I could tell him I was always in love with Wrecking Ball, so I'm not really moving on as fast as it seems.
I could tell him he will meet someone else, and she will be better for him than I, because she won't get tired of his jokes the way I did when I realized that he was just spouting off the same fragments of old comedy routines as though they were his own material, and she won't mind watching him play Halo for hours at a time, and she will be everything he truly wants.
But all I really know I'm going to say is, "I'm sorry."
- Vampire Weekend, M79
I am spending tonight at Love's house. She was texting Cowboy last night too; when I didn't answer him right away (he had texted while I was still at work) he sent her some panicked messages.
She read me one: "I have tried to see other girls but... they're just not her."
I found myself inexplicably making a high pitched noise, somewhat softly, like the sound a kettle makes when it boils. Then I remembered the girl in Pontypool (you need to see that movie) and I started to giggle. Before either Love or I knew what was going on, I was hysterical. Legitimately hysterical. I was roaring with laughter, gasping for air, and tears were running down my face. It took me almost twenty minutes to calm down.
It is now 5:53 am. I am meeting Cowboy in fourteen hours and seven minutes. I am breaking his heart tonight. If there was any way I could avoid this, I would. But he is going to tell me he regrets leaving me and I...
I could tell him I am happier than I have been in a very, very long time, and ask him to be happy for me.
I could tell him I was always in love with Wrecking Ball, so I'm not really moving on as fast as it seems.
I could tell him he will meet someone else, and she will be better for him than I, because she won't get tired of his jokes the way I did when I realized that he was just spouting off the same fragments of old comedy routines as though they were his own material, and she won't mind watching him play Halo for hours at a time, and she will be everything he truly wants.
But all I really know I'm going to say is, "I'm sorry."
How Does This Feel?
"Stay awake to break the habit."
- Vampire Weekend, M79
I don't know what to say to him. What do I say to him? "If you have known you love me since back in October, why did you give up on us too?" Or, "Why didn't you tell me that you love me when I said I felt like you didn't care anymore?" Nothing seems appropriate. I don't want to talk to him, because it will only hurt him when I say I don't want to be with him now, and I don't want to hurt him.
I barely even know what to think. I just know that seeing tomorrow night (as I agreed before he dropped the damn L word) is going to suck. A lot. Like, hard core suckage. I don't even know what I will do. I am worried I might cry in front of him, which would be mortifying.
And also, what the fuck. Who doesn't tell someone they are in love with them when they know it? I told him that was how I felt back in July, and he waits until AFTER he has dumped me to tell me he has loved me for at least three months? What IS that? Who DOES that?
I got drunk last night so I wouldn't have to deal with these thoughts. I had no intention of a permanent solution; I just knew I didn't want the night to suck as much as today would. I have never before drank because of a problem, and I really don't intend to do it again.
Cowboy, I love Wrecking Ball. I love you too, but you just aren't him. I'm sorry.
- Vampire Weekend, M79
I don't know what to say to him. What do I say to him? "If you have known you love me since back in October, why did you give up on us too?" Or, "Why didn't you tell me that you love me when I said I felt like you didn't care anymore?" Nothing seems appropriate. I don't want to talk to him, because it will only hurt him when I say I don't want to be with him now, and I don't want to hurt him.
I barely even know what to think. I just know that seeing tomorrow night (as I agreed before he dropped the damn L word) is going to suck. A lot. Like, hard core suckage. I don't even know what I will do. I am worried I might cry in front of him, which would be mortifying.
And also, what the fuck. Who doesn't tell someone they are in love with them when they know it? I told him that was how I felt back in July, and he waits until AFTER he has dumped me to tell me he has loved me for at least three months? What IS that? Who DOES that?
I got drunk last night so I wouldn't have to deal with these thoughts. I had no intention of a permanent solution; I just knew I didn't want the night to suck as much as today would. I have never before drank because of a problem, and I really don't intend to do it again.
Cowboy, I love Wrecking Ball. I love you too, but you just aren't him. I'm sorry.
What He Doesn't Know
"I don't want to see the stars in the sky; all I want is to catch your eye."
- The Pipettes, Because It's Not Love
My first kiss with Wrecking Ball (excluding those from so many years ago) was on Christmas, around 2 am. He had come over to give me my Christmas present, and then asked if we could talk. He confessed that he found himself very attracted to me, and I admitted that I had never stopped having feelings for him. The kiss was so... right. It felt like... a wave of forgotten longing surfaced and was eliminated. I had wanted it for so long, and it was everything that I had wanted. It was beautiful.
We spent the many of the rest of the nights of our break driving around the city or watching movies. Kissing him is like fire. On three separate nights, we have kissed for over three hours at a time. Our most recent night of kissing went from 3am to 9am. On Sunday night, we didn't do a kissing marathon after our movie, but instead we cuddled and talked. I want to sleep with him - not in the sexual sense (though I am completely open to that!) but I mean actually sleep, in his arms, with his warmth, his scent, him.
Last night after work I had some texts from Cowboy. He doesn't know about Wrecking Ball. He said he thinks he may have made a mistake when he left me, and that he loves me. He never told me that he loved me when we were dating, though apparently he had known since the Halloween party we went to together (which, by a strange coincidence, was the night that I admitted to myself for the first time this year that I was still as hopelessly head-over-heels for Wrecking Ball as I had ever been). I remember that night well. We were parting ways, and I said, "Goodnight. I love you," and he said, "You too." I did a doubletake. "What?" I asked. Did he just say he loves me? "You have a good night, too," he said awkwardly. I just assumed back then that he had started to say "you too" before he realized I had said the L word again, but apparently his awkward backpedal had been brought on because he decided not to tell me yet that he loves me.
- The Pipettes, Because It's Not Love
My first kiss with Wrecking Ball (excluding those from so many years ago) was on Christmas, around 2 am. He had come over to give me my Christmas present, and then asked if we could talk. He confessed that he found himself very attracted to me, and I admitted that I had never stopped having feelings for him. The kiss was so... right. It felt like... a wave of forgotten longing surfaced and was eliminated. I had wanted it for so long, and it was everything that I had wanted. It was beautiful.
We spent the many of the rest of the nights of our break driving around the city or watching movies. Kissing him is like fire. On three separate nights, we have kissed for over three hours at a time. Our most recent night of kissing went from 3am to 9am. On Sunday night, we didn't do a kissing marathon after our movie, but instead we cuddled and talked. I want to sleep with him - not in the sexual sense (though I am completely open to that!) but I mean actually sleep, in his arms, with his warmth, his scent, him.
Last night after work I had some texts from Cowboy. He doesn't know about Wrecking Ball. He said he thinks he may have made a mistake when he left me, and that he loves me. He never told me that he loved me when we were dating, though apparently he had known since the Halloween party we went to together (which, by a strange coincidence, was the night that I admitted to myself for the first time this year that I was still as hopelessly head-over-heels for Wrecking Ball as I had ever been). I remember that night well. We were parting ways, and I said, "Goodnight. I love you," and he said, "You too." I did a doubletake. "What?" I asked. Did he just say he loves me? "You have a good night, too," he said awkwardly. I just assumed back then that he had started to say "you too" before he realized I had said the L word again, but apparently his awkward backpedal had been brought on because he decided not to tell me yet that he loves me.
Dancing
"I've been ghosting, I've been ghosting along. Ghost in your house, ghost in your arms."
- Mother Mother, Ghosting
At the end of my party, after having wanted it all night, or maybe I had been wanting it for years - I danced with Wrecking Ball. He had bought me two drinks, and I just felt - I don't know. I felt like he might be receptive to it, despite the fact that he had not indicated for years that he was interested in me. One of my best friends, Hey Rosetta!, told me that Wrecking Ball had confided in her boyfriend, Hamlet (he has known Wrecking Ball for less time than I, but they have a lot in common and are quite close) that he might be interested. I still didn't want to bet on it, so I waited as long as I could.
He walked away from the bar, and when he came back, I grabbed him by the wrists, said "Let's dance" and pulled him close. It was awkward at first, especially the question of where to keep our hands. Then our arms were kind of around each other, and then he slid one of my arms out into a waltz position and we were just spinning, dancing in a way that was completely out of sync with the music that was actually playing, but it was so wonderful. "We're dancing!" I told him, almost incredulously. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted him to hold me forever. I wanted him.
Several blissful minutes later, we stopped dancing and it was time to go home. He wanted to keep dancing with me, but our drive said it was time to go. I could have danced all night with him. I could have danced forever.
- Mother Mother, Ghosting
At the end of my party, after having wanted it all night, or maybe I had been wanting it for years - I danced with Wrecking Ball. He had bought me two drinks, and I just felt - I don't know. I felt like he might be receptive to it, despite the fact that he had not indicated for years that he was interested in me. One of my best friends, Hey Rosetta!, told me that Wrecking Ball had confided in her boyfriend, Hamlet (he has known Wrecking Ball for less time than I, but they have a lot in common and are quite close) that he might be interested. I still didn't want to bet on it, so I waited as long as I could.
He walked away from the bar, and when he came back, I grabbed him by the wrists, said "Let's dance" and pulled him close. It was awkward at first, especially the question of where to keep our hands. Then our arms were kind of around each other, and then he slid one of my arms out into a waltz position and we were just spinning, dancing in a way that was completely out of sync with the music that was actually playing, but it was so wonderful. "We're dancing!" I told him, almost incredulously. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted him to hold me forever. I wanted him.
Several blissful minutes later, we stopped dancing and it was time to go home. He wanted to keep dancing with me, but our drive said it was time to go. I could have danced all night with him. I could have danced forever.
Relationship Issues
"Oh you had it, but oh no, you've lost it. You understood so you shouldn't have fought it."
- Vampire Weekend, Horchata
So here is the deal. After Cowboy dumped me, I spent a few weeks focusing on the bad aspects of our relationship, to make me feel better about it being over. These things include, but are not limited to:
- he never went to the doctor to get tested after I told him I had chlamydia (this one is a big one)
- he initiated unprotected sex in September, even though I said "no" and now I might have recaught chlamydia from him just because I didn't say "no" more than once and he never got tested (this is the worst one)
- he would just play XBox when I came over, but he would never play it WITH me and I never had anything to do
- he never seemed to care about me
- it was always my job to arrange when we would see each other (this contributed to the feeling that he didn't care)
After he broke up with me because he suspected (wrongly) that I was still in love with Acadia, I shut down for a couple of days. I didn't have that long though, because we broke up six days before my nineteenth birthday. I was going to get my drink on with all of my friends... including Wrecking Ball.
The morning of my birthday, I had a dream that I was dating Wrecking Ball. I don't remember any of the details any more. I recall only a sense of warmth, happiness, comfort, ease, stability... all of those feel-good sentiments you should get out of a fulfilling relationship. Or at least, the things I expect to find there.
- Vampire Weekend, Horchata
So here is the deal. After Cowboy dumped me, I spent a few weeks focusing on the bad aspects of our relationship, to make me feel better about it being over. These things include, but are not limited to:
- he never went to the doctor to get tested after I told him I had chlamydia (this one is a big one)
- he initiated unprotected sex in September, even though I said "no" and now I might have recaught chlamydia from him just because I didn't say "no" more than once and he never got tested (this is the worst one)
- he would just play XBox when I came over, but he would never play it WITH me and I never had anything to do
- he never seemed to care about me
- it was always my job to arrange when we would see each other (this contributed to the feeling that he didn't care)
After he broke up with me because he suspected (wrongly) that I was still in love with Acadia, I shut down for a couple of days. I didn't have that long though, because we broke up six days before my nineteenth birthday. I was going to get my drink on with all of my friends... including Wrecking Ball.
The morning of my birthday, I had a dream that I was dating Wrecking Ball. I don't remember any of the details any more. I recall only a sense of warmth, happiness, comfort, ease, stability... all of those feel-good sentiments you should get out of a fulfilling relationship. Or at least, the things I expect to find there.
Introduction
It is 4:52 AM. I have class in four hours and eight minutes. This is what my entries will usually consist of: those disjointed, unhappy or profound thoughts that I only get when I should be sleeping.
"Here comes a feeling you thought you'd forgotten"
- Vampire Weekend, Horchata
That lyric is my life right now. So is much of the rest of the song. This is what is going on in my life: pain. I am causing it. I can't stop it. I feel so terrible, but it is time to make myself happy. And that means heart break.
There are three guys who are very important in my life right now. In the interest of anonymity, they will each be assigned their own nickname:
1. Wrecking Ball: I met him six years ago and have always loved him. We dated briefly five years ago, but I was clinically depressed and also thought I was a lesbian, so I broke things off after only two months. I never forgave myself for that, but until recently I had kept my lingering feelings hidden.
2. Acadia: We met four years ago and dated for two and a half years. We don't get along at all anymore, but sex has always been great with him. He was my first, and currently my most recent. Some habits die hard. I don't consider him that important, but I have to mention him in order to explain everything else, so I needed to introduce him.
3. Cowboy: We met around this time last year. We dated from March 27 until December 12. I loved him, and I think I still do, which might be very very bad. I know what I want and I know what will happen but this is a complication. I'll explain.
"Here comes a feeling you thought you'd forgotten"
- Vampire Weekend, Horchata
That lyric is my life right now. So is much of the rest of the song. This is what is going on in my life: pain. I am causing it. I can't stop it. I feel so terrible, but it is time to make myself happy. And that means heart break.
There are three guys who are very important in my life right now. In the interest of anonymity, they will each be assigned their own nickname:
1. Wrecking Ball: I met him six years ago and have always loved him. We dated briefly five years ago, but I was clinically depressed and also thought I was a lesbian, so I broke things off after only two months. I never forgave myself for that, but until recently I had kept my lingering feelings hidden.
2. Acadia: We met four years ago and dated for two and a half years. We don't get along at all anymore, but sex has always been great with him. He was my first, and currently my most recent. Some habits die hard. I don't consider him that important, but I have to mention him in order to explain everything else, so I needed to introduce him.
3. Cowboy: We met around this time last year. We dated from March 27 until December 12. I loved him, and I think I still do, which might be very very bad. I know what I want and I know what will happen but this is a complication. I'll explain.
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