"And I meant everything I said that night, I will come back to life."
- Panic! At The Disco, Calendar
Today it is a beautiful sunny day. I wore a skirt and a sweater and left the house without my coat. I can feel winter loosening its grip on me. I feel alive. I'm going to walk home instead of catching the bus, just so I can enjoy more of the sunlight.
Yesterday, Wrecking Ball and I walked from his house to mine, down near streams that meet the river. It was excellent. I want to do that walk again in the summer some time. I left my French textbook at his place so after work he came to get me so I could get it from him. Well, I guess we may have both had other intentions; he could have brought me the book before class this morning... I'll be honest, having sex with him is fantastic, I could do it forever if it wouldn't interfere with, you know, the rest of our lives. I doubt my boss would be OK if I called in and said I couldn't come in because I was having lots of sex.
Right now I am in an excellent and excited mood, mainly because of the gorgeous sunny day outside this window, but also because of what is coming up in my life. My sorority is having a ball this Friday night, and I do love to dress up. Classes will be finished soon, so I can pick up a second job and be even more crazy rich (my income tax return has me almost lightheaded; I have so much disposable cash in the bank right now). In April I'll be seeing Mother Mother twice - once in this city, and once in Moncton. Then a week after that, we are driving to Toronto again to bring Cat home from school (Wrecking Ball has been assuring me she doesn't hate me but I'm still anxious) and instead of a night in Montreal we are considering a night in Quebec City, which would be really great. And not long after that, near the beginning of May, it will be the week of The Wedding Singer performances. Yay!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
My Baby Don't Dance
"I love you, you know I do."
- The Tragically Hip, In View
Last night, Wrecking Ball was driving me home. It was very late or very early, depending on how you look at it, and I was so tired that if this had been a less significant conversation I know I wouldn't remember it. As it is, the memory is blurry which is unfortunate. He stopped the car and we were holding hands and it was clear he wanted to say something. He was looking at me somewhat intensely and I had a sudden thought: he is either going to break up with me, or say he loves me, and he is smiling just a little bit, so I think-
"I love you too."
I felt so happy. I kissed him. I think I said, "oh, that's good!" but I hope that I said something else, because that is an awful response. Sort of like, "thank you."
I have been told by two other guys that they love me. Acadia just kind of threw it at me one day. We were walking away from each other before class, pretending to have a fight or actually arguing, I don't remember now. I just know he said "I'm sorry. I love you." And I answered automatically, "I love you too," without stopping to consider what that meant. And when Cowboy said it - well, that was when I started this blog. So this was a very nice change for me - knowing we mean it, knowing for sure he isn't just saying it to get me back, because he already has me.
When I got inside the house I leaned against the door and watched him drive away. I was still smiling.
- The Tragically Hip, In View
Last night, Wrecking Ball was driving me home. It was very late or very early, depending on how you look at it, and I was so tired that if this had been a less significant conversation I know I wouldn't remember it. As it is, the memory is blurry which is unfortunate. He stopped the car and we were holding hands and it was clear he wanted to say something. He was looking at me somewhat intensely and I had a sudden thought: he is either going to break up with me, or say he loves me, and he is smiling just a little bit, so I think-
"I love you too."
I felt so happy. I kissed him. I think I said, "oh, that's good!" but I hope that I said something else, because that is an awful response. Sort of like, "thank you."
I have been told by two other guys that they love me. Acadia just kind of threw it at me one day. We were walking away from each other before class, pretending to have a fight or actually arguing, I don't remember now. I just know he said "I'm sorry. I love you." And I answered automatically, "I love you too," without stopping to consider what that meant. And when Cowboy said it - well, that was when I started this blog. So this was a very nice change for me - knowing we mean it, knowing for sure he isn't just saying it to get me back, because he already has me.
When I got inside the house I leaned against the door and watched him drive away. I was still smiling.
Drunk v.4
"Trying to connect the dots, don't know what to tell my boss."
- Katy Perry, Last Friday Night
Saturday night was our first staff party - the one my coworkers and I have been talking about having since before Christmas. I drank too much without realising it, and the whole party is a blur. I remember a few things, but not as much as I would like. I have to start work in an hour and a half and I don't even know if I'm ready to face everybody. I don't have a choice at all, but even if I did, I'd rather just go in and get the first round of teasing over with.
One good thing came out of the party: my favourite drunk text ever. All it said was "Penayt butter". I sent it to my boss. He was supposed to come to the party but he never showed up.
Something I feel really awful about is letting a guy drive home. I made sure all of the girls were all right, but I let him drink, knowing he was going to drive home. If anything had happened, I could never forgive myself.
I'm not going to drink at all for a while. I thought I knew my limit, but it has been made very clear to me that I don't. If I have one drink, I'll think it's OK to have a few more - I know myself. So I'm going to swear off drinking entirely. I'll start by saying this is for one month, so I have a concrete goal. I am not going to drink again until at least April 28.
- Katy Perry, Last Friday Night
Saturday night was our first staff party - the one my coworkers and I have been talking about having since before Christmas. I drank too much without realising it, and the whole party is a blur. I remember a few things, but not as much as I would like. I have to start work in an hour and a half and I don't even know if I'm ready to face everybody. I don't have a choice at all, but even if I did, I'd rather just go in and get the first round of teasing over with.
One good thing came out of the party: my favourite drunk text ever. All it said was "Penayt butter". I sent it to my boss. He was supposed to come to the party but he never showed up.
Something I feel really awful about is letting a guy drive home. I made sure all of the girls were all right, but I let him drink, knowing he was going to drive home. If anything had happened, I could never forgive myself.
I'm not going to drink at all for a while. I thought I knew my limit, but it has been made very clear to me that I don't. If I have one drink, I'll think it's OK to have a few more - I know myself. So I'm going to swear off drinking entirely. I'll start by saying this is for one month, so I have a concrete goal. I am not going to drink again until at least April 28.
Friday, March 25, 2011
That L Word Again
"You kissed my fingers and you made me love you."
- The Tragically Hip, Last Night I Dreamed You Didn't Love Me
I love Wrecking Ball. I told him so on Wednesday afternoon. He didn't say it back, but I didn't expect him to. I didn't want him to. Even though it reminded me of Cowboy, I just wanted him to know that that's how I feel, and because he didn't say it back, I am more likely to believe him if he ever does say it. Because if he had said it back, I would worry endlessly that he only said it because I did.
There is a river that runs through our city. On Monday, Wrecking Ball and I were spending the day together and we went down to the water's edge to play with the ice. Eventually, we were pushing a large sheet of ice with long sticks, trying to get the ice caught in the current. We got it going, but the ice started to spin and part of it got caught on another sheet of ice farther down the shore. We ran over and climbed back down the rocks, pushing the ice to free it. Just as we succeeded, the rock my foot was on decided it wasn't sturdy after all, and I fell in the river. No, that's an exaggeration. But my leg was in icy water deeper than my knee. I climbed out and ran to a flat patch of cement and took my shoe off. I started walking in circles to get the water off of my sock. He picked my shoe up and started swinging it, which made the water slosh out with every rotation (thanks, we figured out, to the same principle that keeps water in a bucket when you swing it). After a few minutes, he passed me the shoe so he could check his bag for a plastic bag that I could use to prevent having to put my foot directly into the squishy, damp shoe. I held my shoe in the same place he had, but I barely wanted to touch it because it was moist and dirty. I swung it around a bit, but my arm grew tired almost right away. He came and took it back and kept swinging. I wondered if anyone else I knew would do that for me. Then I was hit suddenly with a memory of a few nights before, when he told me that when I'm sleeping, if I roll away, he'll follow me because he knows I like to wake up still in his arms if that's how I fall asleep.
Some combination of those two thoughts just aligned everything for me, and I knew I love him. I barely stopped smiling for the rest of the day, even while I was at work. But I was afraid to tell him. I thought about it all day Tuesday and much of Wednesday before I made up my mind to tell him. What made me decide to tell him how I feel was the thought that he deserves to know that I feel that strongly towards him, and that I thought he might like to know I care about him that much.
That, and I couldn't blog about the afternoon and its revelation if I didn't tell him first. :)
- The Tragically Hip, Last Night I Dreamed You Didn't Love Me
I love Wrecking Ball. I told him so on Wednesday afternoon. He didn't say it back, but I didn't expect him to. I didn't want him to. Even though it reminded me of Cowboy, I just wanted him to know that that's how I feel, and because he didn't say it back, I am more likely to believe him if he ever does say it. Because if he had said it back, I would worry endlessly that he only said it because I did.
There is a river that runs through our city. On Monday, Wrecking Ball and I were spending the day together and we went down to the water's edge to play with the ice. Eventually, we were pushing a large sheet of ice with long sticks, trying to get the ice caught in the current. We got it going, but the ice started to spin and part of it got caught on another sheet of ice farther down the shore. We ran over and climbed back down the rocks, pushing the ice to free it. Just as we succeeded, the rock my foot was on decided it wasn't sturdy after all, and I fell in the river. No, that's an exaggeration. But my leg was in icy water deeper than my knee. I climbed out and ran to a flat patch of cement and took my shoe off. I started walking in circles to get the water off of my sock. He picked my shoe up and started swinging it, which made the water slosh out with every rotation (thanks, we figured out, to the same principle that keeps water in a bucket when you swing it). After a few minutes, he passed me the shoe so he could check his bag for a plastic bag that I could use to prevent having to put my foot directly into the squishy, damp shoe. I held my shoe in the same place he had, but I barely wanted to touch it because it was moist and dirty. I swung it around a bit, but my arm grew tired almost right away. He came and took it back and kept swinging. I wondered if anyone else I knew would do that for me. Then I was hit suddenly with a memory of a few nights before, when he told me that when I'm sleeping, if I roll away, he'll follow me because he knows I like to wake up still in his arms if that's how I fall asleep.
Some combination of those two thoughts just aligned everything for me, and I knew I love him. I barely stopped smiling for the rest of the day, even while I was at work. But I was afraid to tell him. I thought about it all day Tuesday and much of Wednesday before I made up my mind to tell him. What made me decide to tell him how I feel was the thought that he deserves to know that I feel that strongly towards him, and that I thought he might like to know I care about him that much.
That, and I couldn't blog about the afternoon and its revelation if I didn't tell him first. :)
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Acadia Strikes Back
"Gonna run, gonna scream, gonna crawl round on your knees, when you realize that no one's gonna measure up to me. It doesn't matter 'cause I'm over it now."
- Pink, This Is How It Goes Down
Today, I was on the bus listening to music and drinking hot chocolate. I looked out the window and saw a couple laughing and holding hands. It was Acadia and That Slut, the girl from his camera, the girl with whom "nothing happened", and he had told me he couldn't feel anything for anyone who wasn't me, and he had said he would always be there for me, always love me, but he wasn't and he didn't. I felt like the bus had flipped out from under me, I might have made a noise, I know my mouth dropped open. I felt stunned, shocked, angry, hurt, a whole torrent of feelings that I could hardly recognize because they hit me so fast. I turned up my music to try and drown out a buzzing in my ears.
In December 2009, I had an important exam early in the morning after the opening night of the musical I was in. Because of where I was living, I was going to be going in to my exam with only about five hours of sleep. It was decided I would spend the night at Acadia's because it would allow me an extra hour of sleep since I wouldn't need to catch such an early bus to campus. I could have gotten a drive to his place with a cast member, but he said That Slut would come get me, because they were hanging out and if he wasn't home I couldn't get in anyway. I thought that sounded fine. But they were over an hour late in coming to get me, and his story kept changing. "We fell asleep," he said. "I needed to get something to eat first," he told me. "She wasn't feeling well." I was suspicious of what had really happened while he was there. I just wanted him to admit that something had happened, because I knew with all my heart that something had. "She has a boyfriend," he tried to tell me. I laughed at him: "That never stopped me when I was with you, did it?" That started a brand new fight. The next morning I went to my exam, not rested at all. I ended up dozing on and off for most of it, and I scored very low. I was angry, but at myself more than at him, because I could have just taken a taxi from my house to the exam and avoided everything. I asked to borrow his camera for the next night because something had happened to mine - I don't think I could find it. That night I took a few pictures of the cast of the show as we prepared for Act 1. Over intermission, before starting to take pictures of our preparations for Act 2, I decided to take a look at the pictures I had taken. There were not a lot of pictures on the camera. I scrolled in the wrong direction and found myself looking at some pictures of my own cat. I decided to just keep going in that direction because, why not, it wasn't far to go and they were probably all my cat anyway. What I found, though, were pictures of That Slut, topless on Acadia's bed, with her pants lowered so much I could see the beginnings of her pubic hair. Pictures of That Slut with her mouth around the top of a beer bottle as though it was a cock. Pictures of That Slut and Acadia, topless and touching each other's chests, gazing fondly at one another. I was horrified, to say the least. He continued to insist that nothing had happened when I confronted him.
In December of 2010, Acadia and I had just started hanging out again after not speaking for several months. We had the conversation which I have previously mentioned that ended in me sobbing hysterically. He told me that he couldn't have feelings for anyone that wasn't me, and he was happy this way, he would never love anyone and live alone, &c, &c. It was a very pathetic thing, but I felt both pity for him and flattered that I could have been that important to him.
So when I saw him with That Slut, I just knew he was saying all the things to her that he used to say to me. Things with my ex weren't real. I can only feel for you. I have these barriers up so I don't feel things, but when you're around they come crashing down. I love you. I never really loved her... I felt sick with anger. Part of me was disgusted with him that he is going to treat another girl the way he treated me - because he is still the same Acadia, he never listened when I explained to him what was wrong with the way things were going between us. And part of me was bitterly jealous, because if he was with her then I'm not really that special. I'm not really the only one who can make him feel like that. The fact that we both know I still remember every move he liked means nothing to him. He's not really "there waiting if I ever want to go back." And because I am so blindsided by this new relationship of his, he's not really still there for me. I hope he remembers me when he's with her. I hope he remembers how I could drive him crazy so fast, how I could do everything just the way he liked it, and I hope he doesn't enjoy learning about her. I hope he misses me so much it hurts.
It's almost laughable that just yesterday, I was considering approaching him. "Can we at least pretend we don't hate each other?" I was going to say, with a nervous smile. Because I know he doesn't hate me. He just pushed me away because he didn't want to see how happy we both knew I would be with Wrecking Ball. He didn't want to feel like he's not really that special, and he didn't want to feel like remembering everything that I like means nothing, and he didn't want to see the proof that I would never want to go back to him, and he didn't want to know that I never miss him. Ouch.
- Pink, This Is How It Goes Down
Today, I was on the bus listening to music and drinking hot chocolate. I looked out the window and saw a couple laughing and holding hands. It was Acadia and That Slut, the girl from his camera, the girl with whom "nothing happened", and he had told me he couldn't feel anything for anyone who wasn't me, and he had said he would always be there for me, always love me, but he wasn't and he didn't. I felt like the bus had flipped out from under me, I might have made a noise, I know my mouth dropped open. I felt stunned, shocked, angry, hurt, a whole torrent of feelings that I could hardly recognize because they hit me so fast. I turned up my music to try and drown out a buzzing in my ears.
In December 2009, I had an important exam early in the morning after the opening night of the musical I was in. Because of where I was living, I was going to be going in to my exam with only about five hours of sleep. It was decided I would spend the night at Acadia's because it would allow me an extra hour of sleep since I wouldn't need to catch such an early bus to campus. I could have gotten a drive to his place with a cast member, but he said That Slut would come get me, because they were hanging out and if he wasn't home I couldn't get in anyway. I thought that sounded fine. But they were over an hour late in coming to get me, and his story kept changing. "We fell asleep," he said. "I needed to get something to eat first," he told me. "She wasn't feeling well." I was suspicious of what had really happened while he was there. I just wanted him to admit that something had happened, because I knew with all my heart that something had. "She has a boyfriend," he tried to tell me. I laughed at him: "That never stopped me when I was with you, did it?" That started a brand new fight. The next morning I went to my exam, not rested at all. I ended up dozing on and off for most of it, and I scored very low. I was angry, but at myself more than at him, because I could have just taken a taxi from my house to the exam and avoided everything. I asked to borrow his camera for the next night because something had happened to mine - I don't think I could find it. That night I took a few pictures of the cast of the show as we prepared for Act 1. Over intermission, before starting to take pictures of our preparations for Act 2, I decided to take a look at the pictures I had taken. There were not a lot of pictures on the camera. I scrolled in the wrong direction and found myself looking at some pictures of my own cat. I decided to just keep going in that direction because, why not, it wasn't far to go and they were probably all my cat anyway. What I found, though, were pictures of That Slut, topless on Acadia's bed, with her pants lowered so much I could see the beginnings of her pubic hair. Pictures of That Slut with her mouth around the top of a beer bottle as though it was a cock. Pictures of That Slut and Acadia, topless and touching each other's chests, gazing fondly at one another. I was horrified, to say the least. He continued to insist that nothing had happened when I confronted him.
In December of 2010, Acadia and I had just started hanging out again after not speaking for several months. We had the conversation which I have previously mentioned that ended in me sobbing hysterically. He told me that he couldn't have feelings for anyone that wasn't me, and he was happy this way, he would never love anyone and live alone, &c, &c. It was a very pathetic thing, but I felt both pity for him and flattered that I could have been that important to him.
So when I saw him with That Slut, I just knew he was saying all the things to her that he used to say to me. Things with my ex weren't real. I can only feel for you. I have these barriers up so I don't feel things, but when you're around they come crashing down. I love you. I never really loved her... I felt sick with anger. Part of me was disgusted with him that he is going to treat another girl the way he treated me - because he is still the same Acadia, he never listened when I explained to him what was wrong with the way things were going between us. And part of me was bitterly jealous, because if he was with her then I'm not really that special. I'm not really the only one who can make him feel like that. The fact that we both know I still remember every move he liked means nothing to him. He's not really "there waiting if I ever want to go back." And because I am so blindsided by this new relationship of his, he's not really still there for me. I hope he remembers me when he's with her. I hope he remembers how I could drive him crazy so fast, how I could do everything just the way he liked it, and I hope he doesn't enjoy learning about her. I hope he misses me so much it hurts.
It's almost laughable that just yesterday, I was considering approaching him. "Can we at least pretend we don't hate each other?" I was going to say, with a nervous smile. Because I know he doesn't hate me. He just pushed me away because he didn't want to see how happy we both knew I would be with Wrecking Ball. He didn't want to feel like he's not really that special, and he didn't want to feel like remembering everything that I like means nothing, and he didn't want to see the proof that I would never want to go back to him, and he didn't want to know that I never miss him. Ouch.
Drunk v.3 - St. Patrick's Day
"With the parties - the disasters - with my friends all pretty and plastered."
- Ke$ha, Crazy Beautiful Life
I decided that I wanted to be hungover the morning after St. Paddy's Day. My logic was that I had to get hungover some day, and it seemed a fitting day for the first time. After Thursday night, though, I actually doubt whether or not I do get hangovers.
I took the bus home from work and got myself looking all pretty. I went over to Love and Spark's, where Spark and Mats were waiting for Love to come back from work. The three of us did a shot each of my Sambuca. Then just Spark and I did. Then I poured one each for Spark and I but she didn't want hers so I drank both. Love came back and we got into Mats' car and Spark and I shared a can of a fizzy vodka drink while Love drank all of the other to try and catch up. We went to a pub but the line was long, so we went to my favourite night club, where I was supposed to meet a coworker of mine for karaoke. Love bought me a porn star shot and a skittles shot. I don't remember what I drank after that but I know I had two or three more drinks. All of my drinking was done over the span of about two hours.
The whole night is kind of a blur. I danced with my coworker. I danced with Mats. I danced with another friend of Love's. I broke Spark's drink and at some point I accidentally punched Love in the eye - I've been calling that my "flailing dance accident." We all sang "The Time - Dirty Bit" by the Black Eyed Peas. Don't ask me who I meant by "we" because I know there were at least six of us up there but I only remember Spark and Mats. There was a guy who introduced himself to me as Blake and I told him that was a Vampire Weekend song and then Love started talking to him. Somebody had a pineapple but wouldn't share it because it wasn't ripe, so why was it at the bar? A guy that I met one afternoon on campus because he came to talk to a friend of mine recognised me and told me his entry for our school's video contest had won second place because there were hardly any entries. Love tried to get me to drink water but I don't even like water. We were downstairs and then I was sitting on a couch and didn't want to stand up because I wasn't sure I could. Then it was time to go and I wanted to buy one more drink but it was already after last call and I hadn't heard that announcement. On the way back to the car, Mats picked me up and I don't remember why. I wanted a bacon cheeseburger but it wasn't happening. I had a pita and hummus in bed and, apparently, I ate the enchiladas. When I woke up I was still covered in green eyeshadow and pita crumbs, and my boots were in the bathroom.
I had an excellent time. I should probably be embarrassed but I'm not really. As far as I know, I acted like a normal drunk person. An obnoxious, out of control drunk person. I had fun, I did nothing I regret. I see no problem here. When I was telling Hey Rosetta about my night the next morning, though, she said hearing that story made her feel like a Really Good Person because she had just seen a play with Hamlet the night before. I am kind of offended that she is judging me like that for drinking. Yes, I did drink excessively. But no, I don't do that often and I don't think it's something to be ashamed of if it happens once.
- Ke$ha, Crazy Beautiful Life
I decided that I wanted to be hungover the morning after St. Paddy's Day. My logic was that I had to get hungover some day, and it seemed a fitting day for the first time. After Thursday night, though, I actually doubt whether or not I do get hangovers.
I took the bus home from work and got myself looking all pretty. I went over to Love and Spark's, where Spark and Mats were waiting for Love to come back from work. The three of us did a shot each of my Sambuca. Then just Spark and I did. Then I poured one each for Spark and I but she didn't want hers so I drank both. Love came back and we got into Mats' car and Spark and I shared a can of a fizzy vodka drink while Love drank all of the other to try and catch up. We went to a pub but the line was long, so we went to my favourite night club, where I was supposed to meet a coworker of mine for karaoke. Love bought me a porn star shot and a skittles shot. I don't remember what I drank after that but I know I had two or three more drinks. All of my drinking was done over the span of about two hours.
The whole night is kind of a blur. I danced with my coworker. I danced with Mats. I danced with another friend of Love's. I broke Spark's drink and at some point I accidentally punched Love in the eye - I've been calling that my "flailing dance accident." We all sang "The Time - Dirty Bit" by the Black Eyed Peas. Don't ask me who I meant by "we" because I know there were at least six of us up there but I only remember Spark and Mats. There was a guy who introduced himself to me as Blake and I told him that was a Vampire Weekend song and then Love started talking to him. Somebody had a pineapple but wouldn't share it because it wasn't ripe, so why was it at the bar? A guy that I met one afternoon on campus because he came to talk to a friend of mine recognised me and told me his entry for our school's video contest had won second place because there were hardly any entries. Love tried to get me to drink water but I don't even like water. We were downstairs and then I was sitting on a couch and didn't want to stand up because I wasn't sure I could. Then it was time to go and I wanted to buy one more drink but it was already after last call and I hadn't heard that announcement. On the way back to the car, Mats picked me up and I don't remember why. I wanted a bacon cheeseburger but it wasn't happening. I had a pita and hummus in bed and, apparently, I ate the enchiladas. When I woke up I was still covered in green eyeshadow and pita crumbs, and my boots were in the bathroom.
I had an excellent time. I should probably be embarrassed but I'm not really. As far as I know, I acted like a normal drunk person. An obnoxious, out of control drunk person. I had fun, I did nothing I regret. I see no problem here. When I was telling Hey Rosetta about my night the next morning, though, she said hearing that story made her feel like a Really Good Person because she had just seen a play with Hamlet the night before. I am kind of offended that she is judging me like that for drinking. Yes, I did drink excessively. But no, I don't do that often and I don't think it's something to be ashamed of if it happens once.
The Return Trip
"Home, let me come home. Home is whenever I'm with you."
- Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros, Home
I caught up on some sleep on the way back. We ate at a Wendy's in Edmundston, which was the first time on the trip that I had allowed myself to eat anything that was available back home, with the exception of an A&W burger at a rest stop somewhere in Ontario on Wednesday. I really didn't want the trip to end. I had just spent a full week without going to work or school, not trying to be frugal, and sleeping every night in Wrecking Ball's arms. I didn't want to go back to the real world at all.
Sunday, March 13, was Daylight Savings Time. Unfortunately, neither Wrecking Ball nor I were aware of this. After a time, we started wondering where exactly the time zone changes. When we found ourselves back in New Brunswick, we knew we must have crossed it. However, my phone read 5pm, his read 4pm, and the car mysteriously read 4pm as well, which was the time we suspected for the previous zone. Neither of us had touched the car's clock so we didn't understand why it would have changed. Eventually, while texting Hey Rosetta! about what time we thought we'd make it to town, I learned that my cellphone had the correct time. The mystery, though, was still unsolved until we reached Wrecking Ball's bed and saw his clock was also an hour behind our phones. The pieces just sort of fell together - I think he understood first - and then we had to laugh, because the time had been confusing us all day.
- Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros, Home
I caught up on some sleep on the way back. We ate at a Wendy's in Edmundston, which was the first time on the trip that I had allowed myself to eat anything that was available back home, with the exception of an A&W burger at a rest stop somewhere in Ontario on Wednesday. I really didn't want the trip to end. I had just spent a full week without going to work or school, not trying to be frugal, and sleeping every night in Wrecking Ball's arms. I didn't want to go back to the real world at all.
Sunday, March 13, was Daylight Savings Time. Unfortunately, neither Wrecking Ball nor I were aware of this. After a time, we started wondering where exactly the time zone changes. When we found ourselves back in New Brunswick, we knew we must have crossed it. However, my phone read 5pm, his read 4pm, and the car mysteriously read 4pm as well, which was the time we suspected for the previous zone. Neither of us had touched the car's clock so we didn't understand why it would have changed. Eventually, while texting Hey Rosetta! about what time we thought we'd make it to town, I learned that my cellphone had the correct time. The mystery, though, was still unsolved until we reached Wrecking Ball's bed and saw his clock was also an hour behind our phones. The pieces just sort of fell together - I think he understood first - and then we had to laugh, because the time had been confusing us all day.
Montreal 2: Saturday Night In The City
"Every single night we fight to get a little high on life."
- Ke$ha, Crazy Beautiful Life
We left Cat early Saturday morning and found our own way back to the Yorkdale Shopping Centre, where the car had been parked and dutifully waiting for us. In the spirit of independence, I didn't let Wrecking Ball look at a floor plan and instead led him back to the Indigo outside of which we were parked. We were both impressed - I hadn't actually expected to be successful. He wanted to get a map to help us get back on the highway (the directions he had printed out didn't tell us which exit from the mall parking lot to take, and there were a lot of possibilities) and on the way back to the car we stopped at a little bakery and got delicious spinach-and-cheese-stuffed croissants.
My awful, exhausted mood persisted through much of the drive from Toronto to Montreal. I felt irritable and lost, and tried not to let it show, but he noticed anyway. When we were about two hours from Montreal, it was my turn to pick music. I clicked on a couple songs and then admitted that there were only three songs I really wanted to listen to: "Home" by Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros, "I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked" by Ida Maria, and the acoustic cover of "Help, I'm Alive" by Metric. Surprisingly, he consented to me making a playlist of these three songs and we sang them together the rest of the way to Montreal. I felt so close to him. I felt like I was falling in love. I'd been getting that feeling regularly throughout the trip, particularly when he put the setlist in my hands - not because it was the setlist. I don't know what it was. It was just that moment.
We went to Ikea and just laughed at everything. We joked about it being a foreign country and it was excellent fun. Then we had burgers with WB's friend (I can't think of a nickname for him) and we bought some alcohol. We drank a bit then walked up to the top of a mountain and he took some pictures of us, which I found really fun. Then we went home (visiting some people I didn't know on the way) and drank a little more. We were going to go to Club Super Sex, a strip club (in case you couldn't tell), but suddenly the alcohol and my poor sleep hit me and I just went to bed. I'll go to a strip club the next time I'm in Montreal, that is a promise.
Toronto 3: I Can Hardly Stand
"I can hardly stand the sight of it all. I can hardly stand the sound of it all."
- Mother Mother, The Stand
Friday was the day that Toronto became completely overwhelming. We wandered the streets some more, seeing more things, and everything was interesting, and I wanted to see it all, but I was just exhausted. I didn't sleep well our whole trip; in Montreal I was on a small couch and in Toronto I was on an air mattress. The only part of not sleeping that kept me from getting too cranky was that I was cuddled up with Wrecking Ball, and was able to enjoy that as much as one can when the person they are cuddling is snoring like they're sawing logs.
We went into a stationery shop and I could have stayed for hours. We went into a record store that actually sold vinyls - I didn't realise you could still buy them - and it was very interesting. Wrecking Ball and I almost went to a Cuff The Duke concert (Cat had already said she was tired and wanted to go to bed early) but it was sold out. Instead, when we got back to Cat's dorm we went to the second floor lounge and curled up on a couch with books and a blanket and Wrecking Ball's iPod. I really liked that. I think it may have been the first time I've ever been reading a book at the same time as someone that I am consciously spending time with (by which I mean, we have chosen to be together and we're not, say, in an English class together) and I found it really enjoyable. I like the idea of being comfortable enough with someone that you don't feel the need to interact, you can just be with them and do your own thing. When I was with Cowboy I would often read while he played Halo, but that was really different; I was entertaining myself because he was ignoring me, it wasn't a mutual decision or anything.
- Mother Mother, The Stand
Friday was the day that Toronto became completely overwhelming. We wandered the streets some more, seeing more things, and everything was interesting, and I wanted to see it all, but I was just exhausted. I didn't sleep well our whole trip; in Montreal I was on a small couch and in Toronto I was on an air mattress. The only part of not sleeping that kept me from getting too cranky was that I was cuddled up with Wrecking Ball, and was able to enjoy that as much as one can when the person they are cuddling is snoring like they're sawing logs.
We went into a stationery shop and I could have stayed for hours. We went into a record store that actually sold vinyls - I didn't realise you could still buy them - and it was very interesting. Wrecking Ball and I almost went to a Cuff The Duke concert (Cat had already said she was tired and wanted to go to bed early) but it was sold out. Instead, when we got back to Cat's dorm we went to the second floor lounge and curled up on a couch with books and a blanket and Wrecking Ball's iPod. I really liked that. I think it may have been the first time I've ever been reading a book at the same time as someone that I am consciously spending time with (by which I mean, we have chosen to be together and we're not, say, in an English class together) and I found it really enjoyable. I like the idea of being comfortable enough with someone that you don't feel the need to interact, you can just be with them and do your own thing. When I was with Cowboy I would often read while he played Halo, but that was really different; I was entertaining myself because he was ignoring me, it wasn't a mutual decision or anything.
Toronto 2: The Blair Witch Project
"Because I can, because I can, because I can."
- Mother Mother, Wrecking Ball
On Thursday, we followed Cat around Toronto for the afternoon. One of our stops was a giant bargain store called Honest Ed's. We found a bin marked "DVDs/VHS 10 CENTS EACH" and started rifling through it. Cat and Wrecking Ball noticed there were about a zillion copies of The Blair Witch Project in the VHS side of the bin. We all started picking up as many as we could and (Cat gets all credit for this idea) between the three of us we bought 47 copies to be distributed that night to all the doors on Cat's floor.
That night, Cat and Wrecking Ball left me at the Eaton Centre so they could meet with their brothers for supper. I had a fantastic date with myself. As I was walking away from the subway stop - in the mall! - a woman selling hair products used my hair for a private demonstration of a really nice curling iron. With my hair nicely styled, I checked the floor plan and then found my way to a store called The Great American Backrub for a massage. Feeling spoiled already, I then went in to Sephora. When I came out, I was wearing a spritz of 50$ perfume (Adora by Kat Von D, it smelled wonderful on me) and some overpriced mascara. My next stop was a Bebe store, where I tried on a 200$ dress, some 130$ jeans and a 70$ top. I felt very glamorous. Then I ate dinner at a place called Jimmy The Greek, which was a lot less fancy than the rest of the evening, but tasted great. Haha.
I grew bored of the mall just at closing time and managed to make my own way back to Cat's dorm without getting lost, mugged, raped or murdered. I was very proud of myself. It was frightening though, being alone in the city in the evening. I came out of the subway station on the wrong side and so couldn't catch a street car like Cat told me, but I wouldn't have known which direction to take anyway. I set off walking and, through dumb luck or an amazing coincidence, found my way back without having to turn around once.
We went to a bar called The Madison and I got a little tipsy. I didn't pay enough attention to how much I was drinking. The consequence of this was that I wanted Wrecking Ball, and I wanted him bad. I could barely think of anything other than getting him alone. It was a bit awful.
We woke up at 5 am and planted our Blair Witch Project tapes. It was hilarious fun. Then, instead of going back to bed, Wrecking Ball and I attempted a conjugal visit in the co-ed showers, which resulted in Cat lecturing us on how nobody on the floor was OK with that sort of behaviour, and that was her favourite shower! I was mortified. I have only once in my life felt more embarrassed than I did then. I do laugh at the story, but I also cringe. I really doubt that Cat likes me now, and that makes me feel quite awful.
- Mother Mother, Wrecking Ball
On Thursday, we followed Cat around Toronto for the afternoon. One of our stops was a giant bargain store called Honest Ed's. We found a bin marked "DVDs/VHS 10 CENTS EACH" and started rifling through it. Cat and Wrecking Ball noticed there were about a zillion copies of The Blair Witch Project in the VHS side of the bin. We all started picking up as many as we could and (Cat gets all credit for this idea) between the three of us we bought 47 copies to be distributed that night to all the doors on Cat's floor.
That night, Cat and Wrecking Ball left me at the Eaton Centre so they could meet with their brothers for supper. I had a fantastic date with myself. As I was walking away from the subway stop - in the mall! - a woman selling hair products used my hair for a private demonstration of a really nice curling iron. With my hair nicely styled, I checked the floor plan and then found my way to a store called The Great American Backrub for a massage. Feeling spoiled already, I then went in to Sephora. When I came out, I was wearing a spritz of 50$ perfume (Adora by Kat Von D, it smelled wonderful on me) and some overpriced mascara. My next stop was a Bebe store, where I tried on a 200$ dress, some 130$ jeans and a 70$ top. I felt very glamorous. Then I ate dinner at a place called Jimmy The Greek, which was a lot less fancy than the rest of the evening, but tasted great. Haha.
I grew bored of the mall just at closing time and managed to make my own way back to Cat's dorm without getting lost, mugged, raped or murdered. I was very proud of myself. It was frightening though, being alone in the city in the evening. I came out of the subway station on the wrong side and so couldn't catch a street car like Cat told me, but I wouldn't have known which direction to take anyway. I set off walking and, through dumb luck or an amazing coincidence, found my way back without having to turn around once.
We went to a bar called The Madison and I got a little tipsy. I didn't pay enough attention to how much I was drinking. The consequence of this was that I wanted Wrecking Ball, and I wanted him bad. I could barely think of anything other than getting him alone. It was a bit awful.
We woke up at 5 am and planted our Blair Witch Project tapes. It was hilarious fun. Then, instead of going back to bed, Wrecking Ball and I attempted a conjugal visit in the co-ed showers, which resulted in Cat lecturing us on how nobody on the floor was OK with that sort of behaviour, and that was her favourite shower! I was mortified. I have only once in my life felt more embarrassed than I did then. I do laugh at the story, but I also cringe. I really doubt that Cat likes me now, and that makes me feel quite awful.
Toronto 1: Eureka
"I can hardly stand the sight of it all. I can hardly stand the sound of it all."
- Mother Mother, The Stand
On Wednesday, we woke up early and got on the road for Toronto. There are stops along the highways in Toronto that all look alike as far as the design of the building and the feel of the approach. I fell asleep as we left one and woke up as we arrived in another, and it was the most disorienting thing I experience the whole trip, except perhaps for the issue of the time on Sunday, but I'll get to that.
Arriving safely in Toronto, we pulled into the Yorkdale Shopping Centre and I was just astonished at the size of it. I was nearly floored when Wrecking Ball got the text from his sister, Cat, that said we should meet her at the subway stop inside the mall. Woah. She brought us to her dorm, pointing out sights along the way. We dropped off our things and then took a walk to Chinatown, which in my memory is now just a blur of shops and lights and pretty asian (or asian-inspired, at least) merchandise. On the way back we got supper at a little restaurant that served either Pakistani or Indian food (perhaps both... I am only naming the nationality based on the Wikipedia entries for naan bread and mango lassi, which made up two thirds of my dinner) which was delicious.
Then we went to the Mother Mother concert.
Ohhh yes. Life is complete.
They had three opening acts. I forgot all of their names, but some research has informed me that they were Rococode, Whale Tooth, and Birds of Tokyo, in that order. I particularly liked "Silhouettic" by Birds of Tokyo, as I made sure to remember the lyrics, "there goes my baby!" in hopes that I could find it again. I didn't find it until I got the band's name though. Three opening acts is a very brutal thing to stand through when you are in a sweaty, pushy crowd. The acts got progressively more awesome, but it was really hard to enjoy them, because they weren't the right band.
When Mother Mother took the stage, I was pretty overcome. The first song they played was "O My Heart", and when Ryan started to sing I nearly swooned. Through the whole concert I was a lot more calm than I was when I saw Mariana's Trench back in September, but I was a lot more excited too. Maybe I was beyond hysteria, or maybe I just wasn't feeding off of drunk/high people this time. Listening to the song Wrecking Ball live, with Wrecking Ball right behind me (we managed to take advantage of some pushing in the crowd and slid me into the second row) was a wonderful experience, but my favourite part of the concert was when they played Ghosting. When I first heard Ghosting, it was in October, and it made me think of Wrecking Ball every time - as did many of the other songs, simply because he introduced me to the band. It was the first song I ever listened to on repeat for hours at a time, and every time I listened to it, I loved it a little more. While the song was playing live, and I knew Wrecking Ball was behind me, I thought back to my feelings for him in October, and I reflected on the fact that we're together and happy now, and I was so happy for myself and in love with life that I teared up. It was a fantastic moment.
When they left the stage before the encore, I noticed Ryan left his setlist behind. I guess I didn't mention this before but I was centred beneath him during the performance. And in the second row. Oh yes. Anyway - I realised he wasn't going to bring his setlist off stage with him, so I told Wrecking Ball I was going to hop up and grab it when the encore was done. Unfortunately, someone got there first. I was disappointed. But then, Wrecking Ball hopped up on the stage and took the setlist off Molly's keyboard when one of the sound guys wasn't looking and gave it to me. I can't think of a single thing I have ever received from someone that I like more.
- Mother Mother, The Stand
On Wednesday, we woke up early and got on the road for Toronto. There are stops along the highways in Toronto that all look alike as far as the design of the building and the feel of the approach. I fell asleep as we left one and woke up as we arrived in another, and it was the most disorienting thing I experience the whole trip, except perhaps for the issue of the time on Sunday, but I'll get to that.
Arriving safely in Toronto, we pulled into the Yorkdale Shopping Centre and I was just astonished at the size of it. I was nearly floored when Wrecking Ball got the text from his sister, Cat, that said we should meet her at the subway stop inside the mall. Woah. She brought us to her dorm, pointing out sights along the way. We dropped off our things and then took a walk to Chinatown, which in my memory is now just a blur of shops and lights and pretty asian (or asian-inspired, at least) merchandise. On the way back we got supper at a little restaurant that served either Pakistani or Indian food (perhaps both... I am only naming the nationality based on the Wikipedia entries for naan bread and mango lassi, which made up two thirds of my dinner) which was delicious.
Then we went to the Mother Mother concert.
Ohhh yes. Life is complete.
They had three opening acts. I forgot all of their names, but some research has informed me that they were Rococode, Whale Tooth, and Birds of Tokyo, in that order. I particularly liked "Silhouettic" by Birds of Tokyo, as I made sure to remember the lyrics, "there goes my baby!" in hopes that I could find it again. I didn't find it until I got the band's name though. Three opening acts is a very brutal thing to stand through when you are in a sweaty, pushy crowd. The acts got progressively more awesome, but it was really hard to enjoy them, because they weren't the right band.
When Mother Mother took the stage, I was pretty overcome. The first song they played was "O My Heart", and when Ryan started to sing I nearly swooned. Through the whole concert I was a lot more calm than I was when I saw Mariana's Trench back in September, but I was a lot more excited too. Maybe I was beyond hysteria, or maybe I just wasn't feeding off of drunk/high people this time. Listening to the song Wrecking Ball live, with Wrecking Ball right behind me (we managed to take advantage of some pushing in the crowd and slid me into the second row) was a wonderful experience, but my favourite part of the concert was when they played Ghosting. When I first heard Ghosting, it was in October, and it made me think of Wrecking Ball every time - as did many of the other songs, simply because he introduced me to the band. It was the first song I ever listened to on repeat for hours at a time, and every time I listened to it, I loved it a little more. While the song was playing live, and I knew Wrecking Ball was behind me, I thought back to my feelings for him in October, and I reflected on the fact that we're together and happy now, and I was so happy for myself and in love with life that I teared up. It was a fantastic moment.
When they left the stage before the encore, I noticed Ryan left his setlist behind. I guess I didn't mention this before but I was centred beneath him during the performance. And in the second row. Oh yes. Anyway - I realised he wasn't going to bring his setlist off stage with him, so I told Wrecking Ball I was going to hop up and grab it when the encore was done. Unfortunately, someone got there first. I was disappointed. But then, Wrecking Ball hopped up on the stage and took the setlist off Molly's keyboard when one of the sound guys wasn't looking and gave it to me. I can't think of a single thing I have ever received from someone that I like more.
Montreal 1: Separate Circles
"The road bends long, like mothers' arms, reaching for these four black tires."
- Hey Rosetta!, Seeds
I have never spent nine hours in a car with anyone who isn't family. The first leg of our trip brought us to Montreal, and it went much better than I expected. I feared we would run out of things to talk about in a painfully awkward way, but we didn't. Parts of the route were driven in silence, yes, or with one or both of us singing along to something on one of our iPods. But any patches of sincere silence were comfortable - for me at least - and I really enjoyed that. When we crossed the border into Quebec, the scenery became completely gorgeous. There were lakes and rolling hills, and on a seemingly normal stretch of highway, the bare branches of every tree were coated in ice and positively glowing in the sunlight.
In Montreal, we spent the night with a good friend of Wrecking Ball's. Two people who went to high school with us were there too. It was really odd for me to be hanging out with any of them, because though we had shared many classes and activities throughout high school, we were never close. Indeed, I think the boy who plays guitar and I had not exchanged more than a dozen words before Tuesday night. It was strange. We spent some time reminiscing on memorable things that had happened in school, such as Guitar's Romeo and Juliet song for English 111, and the epic fail of a presentation that Eevee and I did about a play we read for French one year.
Talking with them made me wonder why I never considered them friends - why I never bothered to pursue a friendship with any of them. It feels like it would have been easy. I want to start trying harder to make friends with people. There is a girl that I work with - two, actually - whom I sincerely want to consider my friend. I won't let the opportunity pass the way I did with so many people back in high school.
- Hey Rosetta!, Seeds
I have never spent nine hours in a car with anyone who isn't family. The first leg of our trip brought us to Montreal, and it went much better than I expected. I feared we would run out of things to talk about in a painfully awkward way, but we didn't. Parts of the route were driven in silence, yes, or with one or both of us singing along to something on one of our iPods. But any patches of sincere silence were comfortable - for me at least - and I really enjoyed that. When we crossed the border into Quebec, the scenery became completely gorgeous. There were lakes and rolling hills, and on a seemingly normal stretch of highway, the bare branches of every tree were coated in ice and positively glowing in the sunlight.
In Montreal, we spent the night with a good friend of Wrecking Ball's. Two people who went to high school with us were there too. It was really odd for me to be hanging out with any of them, because though we had shared many classes and activities throughout high school, we were never close. Indeed, I think the boy who plays guitar and I had not exchanged more than a dozen words before Tuesday night. It was strange. We spent some time reminiscing on memorable things that had happened in school, such as Guitar's Romeo and Juliet song for English 111, and the epic fail of a presentation that Eevee and I did about a play we read for French one year.
Talking with them made me wonder why I never considered them friends - why I never bothered to pursue a friendship with any of them. It feels like it would have been easy. I want to start trying harder to make friends with people. There is a girl that I work with - two, actually - whom I sincerely want to consider my friend. I won't let the opportunity pass the way I did with so many people back in high school.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Coming Home
"Well hot and heavy, pumpkin pie, chocolate, candy, Jesus Christ - there ain't nothin' please me more than you."
- Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, Home
I want to apologize to my two loyal readers, Love and Wrecking Ball, for the break in posts. But you both know I've been busy, having all kinds of adventures, most of which I remember well (the St Patrick's Day post will have a few gaps in it, most noticeably whether or not I ate some enchiladas).
I am indeed going to talk about every day of the road trip, but first I want to talk about how I've felt since I came back.
I find that I miss Wrecking Ball a lot more when he's not around - being with someone almost 24 hours a day for six days will do that to you. I find that I feel a lot more comfortable around him; I can admit to having bodily functions now. You really can't deny that you pee like a normal person if you spend nine hours in a car with someone. I also feel really separate from the rest of this city. This feeling is going away faster than the others, but I still feel rather unattached and adrift. The ease with which I was able to leave the city for almost a week was eye opening. I didn't really miss home at all. I have a strong feeling that it would take me a while before I started to miss anything. I really want to see more of the world. I don't see why I shouldn't. I have to pay off my tuition and my student loan (which are pretty much the same amount) and then I can do whatever I want. I will only be taking two courses next semester (those two sciences I need for nursing) so I should be able to work enough hours during the year that I can go somewhere neat this time next year. Love and I were talking about going to Cuba this August. I need to do some serious math so I can let her know now whether or not it looks possible. It sounds doable right now, but I'm afraid to look seriously at it. I should start looking for a second job for the summer.
I'll do posts about the individual days of the trip, plus the Saturday before I left and St. Patrick's Day, tomorrow. I think everyone will agree that I should go to bed because it is 5:20 and I should have gone to sleep hours ago.
- Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, Home
I want to apologize to my two loyal readers, Love and Wrecking Ball, for the break in posts. But you both know I've been busy, having all kinds of adventures, most of which I remember well (the St Patrick's Day post will have a few gaps in it, most noticeably whether or not I ate some enchiladas).
I am indeed going to talk about every day of the road trip, but first I want to talk about how I've felt since I came back.
I find that I miss Wrecking Ball a lot more when he's not around - being with someone almost 24 hours a day for six days will do that to you. I find that I feel a lot more comfortable around him; I can admit to having bodily functions now. You really can't deny that you pee like a normal person if you spend nine hours in a car with someone. I also feel really separate from the rest of this city. This feeling is going away faster than the others, but I still feel rather unattached and adrift. The ease with which I was able to leave the city for almost a week was eye opening. I didn't really miss home at all. I have a strong feeling that it would take me a while before I started to miss anything. I really want to see more of the world. I don't see why I shouldn't. I have to pay off my tuition and my student loan (which are pretty much the same amount) and then I can do whatever I want. I will only be taking two courses next semester (those two sciences I need for nursing) so I should be able to work enough hours during the year that I can go somewhere neat this time next year. Love and I were talking about going to Cuba this August. I need to do some serious math so I can let her know now whether or not it looks possible. It sounds doable right now, but I'm afraid to look seriously at it. I should start looking for a second job for the summer.
I'll do posts about the individual days of the trip, plus the Saturday before I left and St. Patrick's Day, tomorrow. I think everyone will agree that I should go to bed because it is 5:20 and I should have gone to sleep hours ago.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Spiral
"I've got troubled thoughts and the self esteem to match, what a catch..."
- Fall Out Boy, What A Catch, Donnie
I am trying to look forward to the break. I am trying to just look forward to tomorrow. But today just feels... I don't know. I was all right until around 11 pm, when I started to feel down, and then Cowboy texted me and when he said he was going to bed I said it had been nice to talk to him - it was, he never talks to me, I think he hates me - he said "Same to you hun" and I remembered that he loved me and I remembered how we just let our relationship go to shit and then I felt really horrible.
In many ways I don't understand at all why anyone would be interested in me. I am treating myself better than I used to, I guess, except for that one thing. But I still don't feel like anyone should care about me... I don't know. What I do feel is just kind of crummy and worthless. And for everybody reading this, don't bother telling me I'm not crummy or worthless. When I wake up tomorrow I'm sure I'll feel human again. It's just tonight, right now, I feel horrible. I feel so depressed that I am just going to try to go to sleep so that I don't have to think any more.
I hope I feel better in the morning. I am going in to work for a few hours because some people dropped shifts, and then I am going bowling with my sorority (which is good because I didn't go to Sister Courage's birthday dinner because of the weather) and then I am going to Wrecking Ball's for the night, and in the morning I am having lunch with Jewel and probably skipping French class because it is the last day before the break and Hey Rosetta doesn't want to go either... When I have a full schedule ahead of me I know I will start to feel better. It is just that now, before I am doing anything, everything just feels grey. I hate feeling like this.
- Fall Out Boy, What A Catch, Donnie
I am trying to look forward to the break. I am trying to just look forward to tomorrow. But today just feels... I don't know. I was all right until around 11 pm, when I started to feel down, and then Cowboy texted me and when he said he was going to bed I said it had been nice to talk to him - it was, he never talks to me, I think he hates me - he said "Same to you hun" and I remembered that he loved me and I remembered how we just let our relationship go to shit and then I felt really horrible.
In many ways I don't understand at all why anyone would be interested in me. I am treating myself better than I used to, I guess, except for that one thing. But I still don't feel like anyone should care about me... I don't know. What I do feel is just kind of crummy and worthless. And for everybody reading this, don't bother telling me I'm not crummy or worthless. When I wake up tomorrow I'm sure I'll feel human again. It's just tonight, right now, I feel horrible. I feel so depressed that I am just going to try to go to sleep so that I don't have to think any more.
I hope I feel better in the morning. I am going in to work for a few hours because some people dropped shifts, and then I am going bowling with my sorority (which is good because I didn't go to Sister Courage's birthday dinner because of the weather) and then I am going to Wrecking Ball's for the night, and in the morning I am having lunch with Jewel and probably skipping French class because it is the last day before the break and Hey Rosetta doesn't want to go either... When I have a full schedule ahead of me I know I will start to feel better. It is just that now, before I am doing anything, everything just feels grey. I hate feeling like this.
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