I Miss You Already

"Another minute passes me by, but I still want you by my side"

- Pia Toscano, Sweet Love

A cousin of mine is getting married on New Years Eve, and Wrecking Ball has agreed to come with me. It was necessary to book a hotel room for the night because the wedding is happening in Charlottetown, PEI. We talked about it a few weeks ago, and we agreed on booking one night in a room that features a jacuzzi.

But I didn't book the room until this afternoon. After all I said to him about wanting to book it as early as possible to guarantee a room on what is surely one of the year's busiest nights, I kept putting it off. I wanted to talk to Wrecking Ball again about how long we were staying, to try to convince him to stay longer. But I didn't ever bring it up; when we were discussing the hotel room, he said one night would be best because he doubted he could borrow the car very long or get much time off work, and I accepted that. So I've been wondering why I wanted to argue with his perfectly sound reasoning for staying just the one night.

I finally booked the room today (my procrastination, thankfully, didn't compromise our room choice) because I finally realised that I wanted to extend our stay because I leave for Katimavik on January 4, and being in a hotel with him guarantees that we are alone and spending time together. That's no reason to try to make him spend more time than he wants to there (hell, I don't even care about being in PEI; the only thing I want to see there is the musical Anne & Gilbert, which only runs in the summer).

Tonight, I almost wish I wasn't going to Katimavik. I'm going to miss everyone I know. I am going to spend six months without snuggling Wrecking Ball. I don't know how I can handle all of that. August zoomed by and so already, there are only four months until I leave. I can't articulate my feelings about this. I just...

I feel like I already miss everyone and my cat.

Ride On, Then

"And the same old frustrations. I never thought that we'd throw it all away, but we threw it all away."
- Scouting For Girls, This Ain't A Love Song

Last night at work, Sin walked by me with a cute blond girl on his arm. He flashed me that goofy smile of his and I waved. It felt like exactly what it was: acquaintances acknowledging that they know one another. It's only the polite thing to do to someone you once dated, or so I assume.

But tonight, Cowboy walked by. Looked right at me, I swear he did, and didn't wave, or say "hi", or anything at all. I was instantly pissed off. I find that of all the emotions, anger always hits me fastest. He once went on about staying friends, but now he won't acknowledge my existence! I want to try and give him a bit of credit for being a nice guy because he doesn't seem to intentionally try to be a jerk, and he did ask me to tag along to coffee with a friend of his back in May (when I had fallen off the blog train). But when I texted him "happy birthday!" a few nights ago, the response was "thanks, little miss." And he knows how much I hated when he called me little or short. Just because he is unnaturally tall, does not mean that I am short. I am 5'7" (or 8"?), which is actually taller than the Canadian average (according to Wikipedia). When you look at how short my mom's side of the family all is, I'm lucky to have grown taller than 5'3". Hmph!

I'm getting angry again just typing this. And I'm also angry again about him breaking up with me. I'm having a little trouble seeing the good in it (we weren't right for each other, we weren't happy together, how could I have started to date Wrecking Ball while still dating Cowboy, etc) and I am just pissed off that he would dump me over a misunderstanding and then tell me he loves me three weeks later. What the fuck. I take back what I said about trying to call him a nice guy. He's a bitch. And since we're already going our separate ways, I'm not going to let this bug me any more. So, Cowboy, ride off into the sunset. I don't care about "staying friends" any more than you do, so let's not waste any more energy on pretending.

I Miss You

"I don't need to, but I want to, sing with you, 'cause I miss you."
- Kimya Dawson, I Miss You

Once almost every week, Love will text me and say she misses me, and we will make plans for me to go spend a night at her apartment in which we catch up with each other's lives. It is a text to which I look forward every week. It is very rare for any of my other friends to so blatantly express a desire to see me. I know that many of them enjoy my company (obviously, or they wouldn't make plans with me at all), but it is so nice of her to clearly say it: I miss you. Come visit me.

I wish I felt comfortable with saying something like that to people when I mean it. I missed Wrecking Ball's company tonight, but I didn't want to say so because we saw so much of each other yesterday (and also because that sentiment is in conflict with something I texted to him earlier in the evening).

I can never shake the feeling that I'm annoying. At work tonight, I was listening to Doll and Envy talk about another two of our coworkers, and I was unable to join the conversation, not because I had no complaints about these people (indeed, they are my two least favourite people to work with) but because I was afraid they wouldn't want me to join. I text people far less often than I think about texting them because I am worried I will bother them.

Herping A Social Derp

"This isn't enough, I still don't measure up, and I'm not prepared."
- Marianas Trench, Good To You

Tonight, I went to a movie with two of my coworkers, Doe and Doll. They're very nice girls and I really enjoy working with them. But I felt so disconnected from them. It was a combination of the fact that I'm older than them (they are both still in high school), that I am technically in a position of authority over them (though I don't really exercise it; they're strong workers when left alone, as is everyone else at my job), and that they are very close to each other. I kind of felt like a third wheel, on the outside looking in, and all those other clichés. It was a decently fun night though, mainly I'm sure because it was a good movie, and we intend to do it more often. I am hoping it gets easier in time. I'm sure when we go in larger groups it will feel more comfortable.

I have made plans for tomorrow night to meet Pixie for karaoke, and then go home with Love after I meet her at a different club for some dancing. I have also invited Cat over for a "girly sleepover" on Saturday night, since I have cleaned my room like crazy and taken my couch back from my little sister. Next week, I am going with Jewel to see her boyfriend's band play, and then spending the night at her place. I feel like I actually have a social life and that is both terrifying and exhilarating.

I think this frenzy of plan-making is because of Katimavik. I just feel like I want to my friends as many times as I can before I go, because I don't know what will happen when I'm gone or when I come back. I even miss people and things already. I have calculated that I have less than 100 work shifts left before I go (assuming 5 shifts a week between now and the end of December). I told my little sister this morning about how I will need  her to take care of my cat, and ever since I have wanted nothing more than to cuddle her (my cat, not my sister).

In addition to a sudden desire to make plans with everyone I know, I have also gotten off my ass about school this fall. I finally went to the Post-Secondary Education Training and Labour people and got an appointment to see a career counsellor. This wasn't at all what I wanted to do, but the nice receptionist said that the counsellor would tell me everything I need to know about taking the courses I need, and also give me information on financial assistance that I am "probably eligible for". That made me wonder a few things: do I look poor? Does she think my sister (who came along for the walk) is actually my daughter? Or is there just really that much money available to people doing academic upgrading?

Taking Me Away

"No, no, no, no, no, no, yes! Yes! Yes!"
- Hey Rosetta!, Yes Yes Yes

I found out today that I have been accepted to participate in the Katimavik volunteer program this January. This means that I am leaving everything I know from January to June.

Often when I am depressed I fantasize about packing up and leaving everything familiar and setting out on my own. Now that I am faced with this exact scenario (albeit for just six months rather than permanently) I am terrified. There are only five months and three days until I leave. That could sound like a long time, but then I remember that Wrecking Ball and I have been dating for seven months now and it only feels like three. I remember that I have been done school for four months already and it only feels like one. I remember that October often turns into December at an alarming rate for me as the days blur by, and I think this will be aggravated by the fact that I'm not taking "regular" school courses this fall.

I am trying to focus on the most minor worries that I can right now: how much should I pay my sister to feed my cat? Will I still be a supervisor after leaving my job for six months? Will the pharmacy let me buy 6 months worth of my birth control instead of just 3 before I go? What do I do with my phone?

When I focus on those, you see, they block out the things I really can't handle. Will my cat still remember me when I come back? What if the others don't like me? What if I don't like them? And worst of all: what will happen to my relationship with Wrecking Ball while I'm gone? Could he meet someone else? Could he decide his life is better off when I'm not around? Will he still love me when I come back?

Evolution

"The cat came back, the very next day, the cat came back, they thought he was a goner! But the cat came back, he just couldn't stay away..."
- Fred Penner, The Cat Came Back

A week ago tonight I returned from the Evolve music festival, burnt out, dirtier than I have ever been in my whole life, and extremely happy. It was an interesting trip (heh) for many reasons.

I went to the festival with a group of dancers, under the impression that this was "a working vacation" and that we would be dancing for a lot of the performers there. What ended up happening instead was three days of wallowing in the mud and smoking weed, with a very memorable hard-to-remember section of Saturday night in which I had my first special brownie and then watched Fred Penner (yes, the guy who sings for little kids) open for Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeroes while experiencing an amazing full-body high.

Gandalf spent a lot of the weekend with me, which was real nice of him since Ringleader seemed to think I would be fine on my own despite the fact that I had no idea what was going on even while I was sober. Other than watching the artists he came to see, I think his favourite moment of the weekend was when I was high and followed him to see Yancarlos Sanchez (who btw was an amazing beatboxer!). I stopped watching the performance and stared at the ground for a full song, then slowly bent down, ripped a piece of grass, and stood up saying "I fixed it!" I then explained to him that the offending piece of grass had looked sad, and nothing should be sad because we were at Evolve.

Also, I feel it really important to mention that we travelled to and from the festival in a minibus so beat up that I'm not positive it was entirely legal to drive (no exaggeration... Ringleader kept talking about needing to keep the bus "under the radar"). We used hammocks to hold our luggage over our heads and picked up the same hitch-hiker twice (once on the way there, once on the way back).

I really loved the whole experience. There was no running water, so I used outhouses and hand sanitizer all weekend. I had to wade through a puddle to get into and out of both the tent I slept in and the bus I was keeping my things in. I woke up two of the three days I was there already feeling heatstroke symptoms because the tent thought it was an oven as soon as the sun rose. But the music was excellent. Everybody was crazy friendly. Even though I know there was a lot of alcohol and a lot of drug use (much of it, I am sure, harder stuff than marijuana), the whole place just felt safe to me.

Plus, I didn't wear shoes all weekend. Boo yeah.