Dear <you're lucky I'm leaving your name out>,
Last Thursday night, you invited me over for a friendly dinner to discuss a play you wanted us to perform together. I felt weird as soon as I saw the bottle of wine on the table, but I thought it would be rude not to drink it. I was also surprised you poured me so much; my boyfriend only puts a small amount of wine in our glasses, and I like that because it makes the wine feel classy.
I think you refilled my glass the first time when I wasn't looking. Maybe you were filling yours too, and I wasn't paying attention because I was enjoying the salad you had made. I wonder, now, why I didn't feel more alert. You drove me there, so why were we drinking? What did you think was going to happen? I should have realized something was up.
We talked, we laughed. We were having a good evening. But I was getting uncomfortable. You were leaning too close to me while we were sitting at the dinner table, but you were right beside me so I couldn't get far enough away. And then you led me over to the couch, and you left the script for the play behind, and brought our wine glasses with you. They were full and the bottle was empty. Had we drank so much already? You pulled me onto your lap. I didn't like that. I didn't know what to do. I turned away from you, and you put a hand in my pants. I didn't know what to do about that, either, so I just pretended it wasn't happening. I didn't react. I naively thought that would make you stop.
Then you kissed me, and I finally reacted: I pulled away. But I didn't want to offend you or be mean, so instead of reminding you (as I had told you on occasions before this night) that I wasn't interested in you, I simply said I didn't like your moustache.
I would like to think that when a girl pulls away from someone who is kissing her, that person might stop and reconsider what they're doing. But you didn't, or maybe you saw an opportunity there, because next you picked me up and started to carry me. You said you were going to shave off your moustache for me. That terrified me. That sounded like an absolutely crazy thing to do. But then you carried me right past the bathroom, and you put me on the bed. You kissed me again, and started to undo my pants. I didn't know what to do any more. I felt completely out of control of the situation.
"My phone," I said. It was the only distraction I could come up with. "I left my phone in the living room, but people will be trying to reach me to figure out when we're going to the bar."
Have you ever had sex with someone who wanted you so bad they forgot their phone exists? I have. In fact, that's usually what sex is. I forget the phone, I forget the movie we might have been watching, I am all about my partner and their body. I guess that's not what you're used to, because you instructed me to take off my pants and then went to get my phone.
Everything was going wrong now and I didn't know what to do or say. I tried to convince myself it would be OK. I like sex. I like sex a lot, actually. I didn't want to have sex with you, but I thought maybe if I pretended you were someone else, and if you finished quickly, I could just go on with my evening and everything would be great.
You came back with my phone and gave it to me, then finished stripping me. I texted my best friend. But I didn't think to ask her for help. It seemed far too late for anything to save me now. I just asked her to remind me what time she would be finishing work. She would be done work at eleven, so she could meet me at the bar around 11:30. But it was barely after 9pm, and I knew I didn't want this to go on for two hours. My mind started searching frantically for something else.
Birth control! I'm not using any birth control right now. My boyfriend and I use condoms, every single time. We're very careful. "Do you have a condom?" I asked. You told me you might, in your wallet, which was probably out in the car. Why would you leave your wallet in the car? Why wouldn't you have your condoms near your bed? These questions didn't even enter my mind. I was far too frozen.
You entered me. You didn't use a condom. You didn't ask me if that would be OK. Actually, I don't think you cared if it was okay. "This is stupid!" I said. Those were my exact words, I remember that clearly. But I don't remember what you said next.
I don't remember a lot of what happened next.
I remember the positions you put me in. One position was my favourite position, but I only ever did it first thing in the morning with my boyfriend. It was my favourite way to start the day, and it always seemed like such a tender position; him behind me, arms around me, us lying on our sides in his big comfy bed. It wasn't like that with you. I didn't want you to touch me. You kept your hands off me mostly, which I guess was nice. You didn't pretend to be tender or caring. You just fucked me. You just raped me.
I know you remember the night differently than I do. You thought it was all a fun time, though you probably felt bummed when I said we needed to stop having sex so I could have a cigarette.
That was how I managed to make you stop. I said I needed to have a cigarette, and to pee. The only thing I could think to do was to try to appear unattractive. Fighting you off never entered my mind. You're twice my size anyway, so it's probably for the best that I didn't provoke you like that.
While I picked my clothes up off the floor (loose red dress pants and a comfortable, sparkly gray sweater, for the record - not what I would consider "asking for it"), you left the room. Then you came back and passed me the cigarettes I had in my coat.
You didn't ask me if you could search through my coat pockets and touch all of my things in there, looking for the cigarettes. I felt violated, that you would just go through my belongings like that. That feeling of betrayal somehow woke me up to what had really just happened. It wasn't just my possessions that had been violated, invaded, touched without permission. It was my body that been violated, invaded, touched without permission.
But I suppose, making sure you have permission isn't your style.
My boyfriend called me while I was outside, chain-smoking and waiting for a taxi. I told him what had happened, and he told me to tell you I was going home, so that you wouldn't get in the cab with me. When I was away from you, and I felt safe, I texted you: "You know this won't happen again." Won't. Will not. You said, "well it might, but if it doesn't that's OK." Might. As in, could. But I said will not and that means no, no I don't want to do this again, you can't say might, you don't get to choose for me. It's supposed to be my choice.
This wasn't my choice.
I wanted to know why you did this. I texted you again. I asked what your intention was with the wine, why would you serve wine to another man's girlfriend? You told me your intention was to discuss the play, but that if anything else were to happen you were going to go with it. You said you usually drink wine with dinner. Then I was confused though. What did YOU "go with"? What did I start? I said that. I told you you initiated it, but then you told me you didn't do anything I didn't invite. Now I was more confused than ever. How did I invite it? You said, "We had a wonderful evening. I enjoyed your company with your stories and your laughter. Let's not ruin that."
I thought the night was ruined for me long before we started texting. I asked again. How did I invite it? You said "invite" wasn't the right word. But invite was the word you used first! I felt so confused and indignant. I was getting mad at you. Finally, I said "tonight was unacceptable" and I stopped texting you.
I'm still upset, and confused. My best friend and my boyfriend keep telling me it's not my fault. Just because I didn't say "no" to you doesn't mean what you did was OK. The law backs them up on that. I couldn't legally consent because I was drunk, and a verbalized "no" isn't the only way to say no. The fact that I leaned away from you, rejected your first kiss, and kept my phone in my hand while we had sex were all non-verbal signs of, at a minimum, disinterest and, in truth, discomfort.
You raped me.
Sincerely,
Your victim.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Updates
I got a letter in the mail today informing me that my sponsored child is still doing very well; she is healthy and starting grade three soon. I've been sponsoring her for a full year now, so with this update I also got a new picture of her. She's looking happy and sitting on a wooden seesaw. I was so pleased to hear from her :) I think everyone should sponsor a child at some point. It's so rewarding. I really hope I get a job soon though, because I can only pay for her for one more month with my current Visa balance. It's scary that I'm still unemployed, especially since I'm starting school in about three weeks.
Rose is coming to visit soon, which is endlessly exciting. It's been months since I saw her, and it was so weird to just suddenly not be seeing her at all after living with her for four months.I have a few things planned for us, but not much.
On Friday night, Henna texted me to ask if I wanted to go with her to the beach for a few days. Um, of course I did. So we drove away for a few days and came back on Tuesday. It was a really good time.
Ugh, I'm really not feeling bloggy. But here's a post so y'all know I'm still alive.
Rose is coming to visit soon, which is endlessly exciting. It's been months since I saw her, and it was so weird to just suddenly not be seeing her at all after living with her for four months.I have a few things planned for us, but not much.
On Friday night, Henna texted me to ask if I wanted to go with her to the beach for a few days. Um, of course I did. So we drove away for a few days and came back on Tuesday. It was a really good time.
Ugh, I'm really not feeling bloggy. But here's a post so y'all know I'm still alive.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Chipmunk Cheeks
I got my wisdom teeth out on Tuesday morning. It was a hazy blur thanks to the sedative but I know Wrecking Ball supported me quite a bit. I don't think I would have felt comfortable with how absolutely fucked and high I was if I didn't have him there with me. He got me home safely and put me to bed. I think I wanted him to stay with me (actually I know I did, I just don't know if I tried to communicate that) but the anaesthetic prevented me from saying anything he could really understand and also I was asleep for a solid five hours so of course he would have been very bored had he stayed.
That afternoon I passed out, and as soon as I came to, I went under again. This terrified my parents (understandably) so the next thing I knew I was on the couch as paramedics took my blood pressure, and then I was on a stretcher in an ambulance, and then in a bed in the ER. Again, the memory is hazy because of drugs and fatigue. But I know I was panic stricken because of my feelings towards hospitals. I know I was safer there, getting fluids through my IV and having the doctors test me for who knows what. But if I had been more energetic I certainly would have had a full on panic attack. I was quite unhappy and it got worse the longer I stayed - I was there for almost four hours before they cleared me to go home.
The last few days have just been painkillers, naps, soft foods, and so much ice on my face.
Tonight I had some people over for sushi which was quite exciting. Everyone told me they liked it. More people came than I expected though so there wasn't anything leftover, though I thought there would be.
Now painkillers, bed, soft foods, painkillers, and so much more ice on my face for a little longer. I don't look that swollen any more, which is nice.
That afternoon I passed out, and as soon as I came to, I went under again. This terrified my parents (understandably) so the next thing I knew I was on the couch as paramedics took my blood pressure, and then I was on a stretcher in an ambulance, and then in a bed in the ER. Again, the memory is hazy because of drugs and fatigue. But I know I was panic stricken because of my feelings towards hospitals. I know I was safer there, getting fluids through my IV and having the doctors test me for who knows what. But if I had been more energetic I certainly would have had a full on panic attack. I was quite unhappy and it got worse the longer I stayed - I was there for almost four hours before they cleared me to go home.
The last few days have just been painkillers, naps, soft foods, and so much ice on my face.
Tonight I had some people over for sushi which was quite exciting. Everyone told me they liked it. More people came than I expected though so there wasn't anything leftover, though I thought there would be.
Now painkillers, bed, soft foods, painkillers, and so much more ice on my face for a little longer. I don't look that swollen any more, which is nice.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Detachment
I'm feeling an intense sense of being separated from everything that is going on around me. Even when I'm sitting beside someone, it's like they're not there. The worst thing is, I'm almost sure it's not only in my head. I think I've actually been set adrift from several of my friends.
OK, so "set adrift" is kind of melodramatic. But I've been left out of some plans and I can't tell if it's conscious exclusion, an oversight, or something I don't understand.
I have a group of friends that does a lot of roleplaying together, using a few different systems of play. Recently, someone started a new series of sessions without inviting me. That's not a huge deal, especially not by itself. It did make me wonder, when I heard about it later, why I wasn't asked, but it wasn't bothering me yet.
Another friend in that same group has been setting up a new story for some time now, posting in the forums that we use to schedule and discuss our games. He held a test session a few nights ago, which was organized off-forum. I wasn't invited to this either. That would be somewhat understandable since my character isn't ready for play (read: I haven't put any thought into them whatsoever) but as it was a test of a new system, I would have liked to be there to watch, to learn about the mechanics of this new game, and to give my input later about what I thought worked or didn't work - as getting that sort of feedback is exactly why a test session would be held. It bothered me that I was left out of that, particularly because I had already heard that I was left out of the other session.
In addition to this, I keep hearing about things that happened recently but without me, and people just aren't answering my texts as often as they used to. The text thing might be in my head. But my friends are definitely doing the things they used to include me in, and not including me now. It's a bad feeling. Everything seems normal when we hang out. We're just not hanging out.
OK, so "set adrift" is kind of melodramatic. But I've been left out of some plans and I can't tell if it's conscious exclusion, an oversight, or something I don't understand.
I have a group of friends that does a lot of roleplaying together, using a few different systems of play. Recently, someone started a new series of sessions without inviting me. That's not a huge deal, especially not by itself. It did make me wonder, when I heard about it later, why I wasn't asked, but it wasn't bothering me yet.
Another friend in that same group has been setting up a new story for some time now, posting in the forums that we use to schedule and discuss our games. He held a test session a few nights ago, which was organized off-forum. I wasn't invited to this either. That would be somewhat understandable since my character isn't ready for play (read: I haven't put any thought into them whatsoever) but as it was a test of a new system, I would have liked to be there to watch, to learn about the mechanics of this new game, and to give my input later about what I thought worked or didn't work - as getting that sort of feedback is exactly why a test session would be held. It bothered me that I was left out of that, particularly because I had already heard that I was left out of the other session.
In addition to this, I keep hearing about things that happened recently but without me, and people just aren't answering my texts as often as they used to. The text thing might be in my head. But my friends are definitely doing the things they used to include me in, and not including me now. It's a bad feeling. Everything seems normal when we hang out. We're just not hanging out.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Fph.
So it's midway through July and I haven't posted since June. I'm lying here, pretending to make jokes and literary references in my mind that I will never put in this post because even I don't think they're funny or clever.
I don't know what to post about. I just re-read my last entry, so I suppose I can update that: those kitties didn't make it, and I didn't get the internship.
But on the bright side
...
Eh. I'm in a foul mood. I have been handing out resumes and getting nothing back for weeks now. Some people to whom I mention this fact say things that are mildly helpful, some say things that are probably meant to be comforting but actually kind of make me want to curl up in a ball and give up on this whole "employment" thing. What do I need money for, anyway? I'm only going to Toronto in a few weeks, and starting school shortly after that. Sigh.
I'm teetering between feelings of apathy and anger about the whole situation. Right now I'm apathetic, just lying on my bed, propped up by so many pillows that it's like I'm sitting up. Air conditioner is pointed right at me.
I'm afraid to check my bank and credit card balances because I don't want to see that I can't afford to go visit Rose. She's so excited, and I'm so excited (when I'm not wallowing in self-pity and misery). I really feel like the short little trip would inject some life back in me. It would be a nice escape, a week of pretending I have nothing to worry about. I've been scheming ways to extend the trip but I don't have anything concrete yet.
I don't know what to post about. I just re-read my last entry, so I suppose I can update that: those kitties didn't make it, and I didn't get the internship.
But on the bright side
...
Eh. I'm in a foul mood. I have been handing out resumes and getting nothing back for weeks now. Some people to whom I mention this fact say things that are mildly helpful, some say things that are probably meant to be comforting but actually kind of make me want to curl up in a ball and give up on this whole "employment" thing. What do I need money for, anyway? I'm only going to Toronto in a few weeks, and starting school shortly after that. Sigh.
I'm teetering between feelings of apathy and anger about the whole situation. Right now I'm apathetic, just lying on my bed, propped up by so many pillows that it's like I'm sitting up. Air conditioner is pointed right at me.
I'm afraid to check my bank and credit card balances because I don't want to see that I can't afford to go visit Rose. She's so excited, and I'm so excited (when I'm not wallowing in self-pity and misery). I really feel like the short little trip would inject some life back in me. It would be a nice escape, a week of pretending I have nothing to worry about. I've been scheming ways to extend the trip but I don't have anything concrete yet.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Still Here
"I just hope some people see there's nothing I'm trying to be"
- Ke$ha, Crazy Beautiful Life
So I've started watching Breaking Bad, by which I mean I watched the pilot, thought "that was good" and have yet to watch another episode, but of course I will be very very soon. Somehow this week has evaporated without me really doing anything of consequence. I lent some money to a friend and figured out a new way to apply my liquid eyeliner. I went to karaoke on Sunday with Sister Lioness and Sister Gold. I was supposed to go to Sister Beauty's house this weekend for a book club meeting but it turns out I would have to take a train, which is awful because I've always wanted a reason to take a train, and now that I can't in good conscience spend the money for one, I have a great reason to do so!
Love's neighbour found a bunch of newborn kittens in their garage and didn't know how to take care of them, so Love's family took them in. I went over yesterday and fell in love with one which I named Scratchy (the little kids named that one KitKat, but I thought this cat looked like a cat my aunt used to have). There are four of them, and they are all absolutely adorable. I was hoping I might convince my parents to let me bring one home for my sister for her birthday, but they are adamantly anti-cat because of allergies (my cat is a huge exception, more so than I thought).
I sent a resume to my dad's coworker's sister-in-law about getting an internship in some art-related place. I don't actually have details on it other than "it is arty" (thanks dad) but I do hope I get it.
- Ke$ha, Crazy Beautiful Life
So I've started watching Breaking Bad, by which I mean I watched the pilot, thought "that was good" and have yet to watch another episode, but of course I will be very very soon. Somehow this week has evaporated without me really doing anything of consequence. I lent some money to a friend and figured out a new way to apply my liquid eyeliner. I went to karaoke on Sunday with Sister Lioness and Sister Gold. I was supposed to go to Sister Beauty's house this weekend for a book club meeting but it turns out I would have to take a train, which is awful because I've always wanted a reason to take a train, and now that I can't in good conscience spend the money for one, I have a great reason to do so!
Love's neighbour found a bunch of newborn kittens in their garage and didn't know how to take care of them, so Love's family took them in. I went over yesterday and fell in love with one which I named Scratchy (the little kids named that one KitKat, but I thought this cat looked like a cat my aunt used to have). There are four of them, and they are all absolutely adorable. I was hoping I might convince my parents to let me bring one home for my sister for her birthday, but they are adamantly anti-cat because of allergies (my cat is a huge exception, more so than I thought).
I sent a resume to my dad's coworker's sister-in-law about getting an internship in some art-related place. I don't actually have details on it other than "it is arty" (thanks dad) but I do hope I get it.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Back To Normal?
"Let me go home, I'm just too far from where you are, I wanna come home."
- Michael Buble, Home
On Monday, April 23rd I flew home. I was so happy and sad to be leaving that I cried multiple times throughout the day. I cried when I said goodbye to Rose and I cried in the van as Dog and Cinderella stood outside waving me off. I cried when the bus pulled out of Medicine Hat and when I arrived at the airport and when I got on the first plane and when that plane landed. I teared up as I explained to my seatmate on the second plane why I was travelling (he asked; I wouldn't normally volunteer that information) and I cried when my dad picked me up at the airport at home and when I picked up my cat and she purred. It was a long, trying day with almost no sleep. Everything was frustrating and I was very emotionally charged. A month later, I still feel leaving was the right decision. I was so incredibly unhappy by the end. In the week before I left, there were three mornings on which I couldn't bear to get out of bed and face the day, and opted instead to call in "sick" from the volunteer work that I did still love.
I have been doing absolutely nothing of importance since I came back. I don't have a job quite yet, but I do have a back-up option in case I can't get one by the end of June (it's Taco Bell and I don't really want to work there because it's fast food and I'm twenty).
So, I've been doing a large amount of reading and a small but growing amount of watching shows on Netflix. I finally watched season 5 of The Guild because Netflix did this awesome thing where it takes the full seasons of the show (made up of short, 4-7 minute episodes) and smooshes them into full-show-length episodes, which is great because you don't need to click through episodes or watch the opening and end credits a bazillion times. The fifth season was fantastic. The Guild is one of those great shows that gets better with each season rather than worse. I haven't decided yet between watching Breaking Bad or Weeds next. Both shows were introduced to me by Katimafriends and both look quite good.
I have almost no ambitions to do anything more productive with my time right now. When I first got back, I was entertaining ideas of trying to start That Novel that everyone secretly has planned in the back of their heads, or working on the business plan I thought up in the fall to sell hand-done postcards. But right now, all I really feel like doing is playing The Hunger Games Adventures on Facebook, Rhapsody on my DS, or going back to reading One Day by David Nicholls.
At the very least I should really start going to the gym again. I haven't gone since last summer, but theoretically my parents' Y membership covers me as well. In other health-ish news, I've been drinking water like a normal person since I got back from Alberta (because the water there tasted like chlorine and by comparison the water here is glorious) and doing a little bit of cooking. Tonight I'm making vegetarian pizzas and on Friday I'm making meatless chili. I still eat meat, but cooking it is daunting and buying it is expensive and also vegetarian food tastes great so why not.
- Michael Buble, Home
On Monday, April 23rd I flew home. I was so happy and sad to be leaving that I cried multiple times throughout the day. I cried when I said goodbye to Rose and I cried in the van as Dog and Cinderella stood outside waving me off. I cried when the bus pulled out of Medicine Hat and when I arrived at the airport and when I got on the first plane and when that plane landed. I teared up as I explained to my seatmate on the second plane why I was travelling (he asked; I wouldn't normally volunteer that information) and I cried when my dad picked me up at the airport at home and when I picked up my cat and she purred. It was a long, trying day with almost no sleep. Everything was frustrating and I was very emotionally charged. A month later, I still feel leaving was the right decision. I was so incredibly unhappy by the end. In the week before I left, there were three mornings on which I couldn't bear to get out of bed and face the day, and opted instead to call in "sick" from the volunteer work that I did still love.
I have been doing absolutely nothing of importance since I came back. I don't have a job quite yet, but I do have a back-up option in case I can't get one by the end of June (it's Taco Bell and I don't really want to work there because it's fast food and I'm twenty).
So, I've been doing a large amount of reading and a small but growing amount of watching shows on Netflix. I finally watched season 5 of The Guild because Netflix did this awesome thing where it takes the full seasons of the show (made up of short, 4-7 minute episodes) and smooshes them into full-show-length episodes, which is great because you don't need to click through episodes or watch the opening and end credits a bazillion times. The fifth season was fantastic. The Guild is one of those great shows that gets better with each season rather than worse. I haven't decided yet between watching Breaking Bad or Weeds next. Both shows were introduced to me by Katimafriends and both look quite good.
I have almost no ambitions to do anything more productive with my time right now. When I first got back, I was entertaining ideas of trying to start That Novel that everyone secretly has planned in the back of their heads, or working on the business plan I thought up in the fall to sell hand-done postcards. But right now, all I really feel like doing is playing The Hunger Games Adventures on Facebook, Rhapsody on my DS, or going back to reading One Day by David Nicholls.
At the very least I should really start going to the gym again. I haven't gone since last summer, but theoretically my parents' Y membership covers me as well. In other health-ish news, I've been drinking water like a normal person since I got back from Alberta (because the water there tasted like chlorine and by comparison the water here is glorious) and doing a little bit of cooking. Tonight I'm making vegetarian pizzas and on Friday I'm making meatless chili. I still eat meat, but cooking it is daunting and buying it is expensive and also vegetarian food tastes great so why not.
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