Updates

I got a letter in the mail today informing me that my sponsored child is still doing very well; she is healthy and starting grade three soon. I've been sponsoring her for a full year now, so with this update I also got a new picture of her. She's looking happy and sitting on a wooden seesaw. I was so pleased to hear from her :) I think everyone should sponsor a child at some point. It's so rewarding. I really hope I get a job soon though, because I can only pay for her for one more month with my current Visa balance. It's scary that I'm still unemployed, especially since I'm starting school in about three weeks.

Rose is coming to visit soon, which is endlessly exciting. It's been months since I saw her, and it was so weird to just suddenly not be seeing her at all after living with her for four months.I have a few things planned for us, but not much.

On Friday night, Henna texted me to ask if I wanted to go with her to the beach for a few days. Um, of course I did. So we drove away for a few days and came back on Tuesday. It was a really good time.

Ugh, I'm really not feeling bloggy. But here's a post so y'all know I'm still alive.

Chipmunk Cheeks

I got my wisdom teeth out on Tuesday morning. It was a hazy blur thanks to the sedative but I know Wrecking Ball supported me quite a bit. I don't think I would have felt comfortable with how absolutely fucked and high I was if I didn't have him there with me. He got me home safely and put me to bed. I think I wanted him to stay with me (actually I know I did, I just don't know if I tried to communicate that) but the anaesthetic prevented me from saying anything he could really understand and also I was asleep for a solid five hours so of course he would have been very bored had he stayed.

That afternoon I passed out, and as soon as I came to, I went under again. This terrified my parents (understandably) so the next thing I knew I was on the couch as paramedics took my blood pressure, and then I was on a stretcher in an ambulance, and then in a bed in the ER. Again, the memory is hazy because of drugs and fatigue. But I know I was panic stricken because of my feelings towards hospitals. I know I was safer there, getting fluids through my IV and having the doctors test me for who knows what. But if I had been more energetic I certainly would have had a full on panic attack. I was quite unhappy and it got worse the longer I stayed - I was there for almost four hours before they cleared me to go home.

The last few days have just been painkillers, naps, soft foods, and so much ice on my face.

Tonight I had some people over for sushi which was quite exciting. Everyone told me they liked it. More people came than I expected though so there wasn't anything leftover, though I thought there would be.

Now painkillers, bed, soft foods, painkillers, and so much more ice on my face for a little longer. I don't look that swollen any more, which is nice.

Detachment

I'm feeling an intense sense of being separated from everything that is going on around me. Even when I'm sitting beside someone, it's like they're not there. The worst thing is, I'm almost sure it's not only in my head. I think I've actually been set adrift from several of my friends.

OK, so "set adrift" is kind of melodramatic. But I've been left out of some plans and I can't tell if it's conscious exclusion, an oversight, or something I don't understand.

I have a group of friends that does a lot of roleplaying together, using a few different systems of play. Recently, someone started a new series of sessions without inviting me. That's not a huge deal, especially not by itself. It did make me wonder, when I heard about it later, why I wasn't asked, but it wasn't bothering me yet.

Another friend in that same group has been setting up a new story for some time now, posting in the forums that we use to schedule and discuss our games. He held a test session a few nights ago, which was organized off-forum. I wasn't invited to this either. That would be somewhat understandable since my character isn't ready for play (read: I haven't put any thought into them whatsoever) but as it was a test of a new system, I would have liked to be there to watch, to learn about the mechanics of this new game, and to give my input later about what I thought worked or didn't work - as getting that sort of feedback is exactly why a test session would be held. It bothered me that I was left out of that, particularly because I had already heard that I was left out of the other session.

In addition to this, I keep hearing about things that happened recently but without me, and people just aren't answering my texts as often as they used to. The text thing might be in my head. But my friends are definitely doing the things they used to include me in, and not including me now. It's a bad feeling. Everything seems normal when we hang out. We're just not hanging out.

Fph.

So it's midway through July and I haven't posted since June. I'm lying here, pretending to make jokes and literary references in my mind that I will never put in this post because even I don't think they're funny or clever.

I don't know what to post about. I just re-read my last entry, so I suppose I can update that: those kitties didn't make it, and I didn't get the internship.

But on the bright side

...

Eh. I'm in a foul mood. I have been handing out resumes and getting nothing back for weeks now. Some people to whom I mention this fact say things that are mildly helpful, some say things that are probably meant to be comforting but actually kind of make me want to curl up in a ball and give up on this whole "employment" thing. What do I need money for, anyway? I'm only going to Toronto in a few weeks, and starting school shortly after that. Sigh.

I'm teetering between feelings of apathy and anger about the whole situation. Right now I'm apathetic, just lying on my bed, propped up by so many pillows that it's like I'm sitting up. Air conditioner is pointed right at me.

I'm afraid to check my bank and credit card balances because I don't want to see that I can't afford to go visit Rose. She's so excited, and I'm so excited (when I'm not wallowing in self-pity and misery). I really feel like the short little trip would inject some life back in me. It would be a nice escape, a week of pretending I have nothing to worry about. I've been scheming ways to extend the trip but I don't have anything concrete yet.

Still Here

"I just hope some people see there's nothing I'm trying to be"
- Ke$ha, Crazy Beautiful Life


So I've started watching Breaking Bad, by which I mean I watched the pilot, thought "that was good" and have yet to watch another episode, but of course I will be very very soon. Somehow this week has evaporated without me really doing anything of consequence. I lent some money to a friend and figured out a new way to apply my liquid eyeliner. I went to karaoke on Sunday with Sister Lioness and Sister Gold. I was supposed to go to Sister Beauty's house this weekend for a book club meeting but it turns out I would have to take a train, which is awful because I've always wanted a reason to take a train, and now that I can't in good conscience spend the money for one, I have a great reason to do so!

Love's neighbour found a bunch of newborn kittens in their garage and didn't know how to take care of them, so Love's family took them in. I went over yesterday and fell in love with one which I named Scratchy (the little kids named that one KitKat, but I thought this cat looked like a cat my aunt used to have). There are four of them, and they are all absolutely adorable. I was hoping I might convince my parents to let me bring one home for my sister for her birthday, but they are adamantly anti-cat because of allergies (my cat is a huge exception, more so than I thought).

I sent a resume to my dad's coworker's sister-in-law about getting an internship in some art-related place. I don't actually have details on it other than "it is arty" (thanks dad) but I do hope I get it.

Back To Normal?

"Let me go home, I'm just too far from where you are, I wanna come home."
- Michael Buble, Home


On Monday, April 23rd I flew home. I was so happy and sad to be leaving that I cried multiple times throughout the day. I cried when I said goodbye to Rose and I cried in the van as Dog and Cinderella stood outside waving me off. I cried when the bus pulled out of Medicine Hat and when I arrived at the airport and when I got on the first plane and when that plane landed. I teared up as I explained to my seatmate on the second plane why I was travelling (he asked; I wouldn't normally volunteer that information) and I cried when my dad picked me up at the airport at home and when I picked up my cat and she purred. It was a long, trying day with almost no sleep. Everything was frustrating and I was very emotionally charged. A month later, I still feel leaving was the right decision. I was so incredibly unhappy by the end. In the week before I left, there were three mornings on which I couldn't bear to get out of bed and face the day, and opted instead to call in "sick" from the volunteer work that I did still love.

I have been doing absolutely nothing of importance since I came back. I don't have a job quite yet, but I do have a back-up option in case I can't get one by the end of June (it's Taco Bell and I don't really want to work there because it's fast food and I'm twenty).

So, I've been doing a large amount of reading and a small but growing amount of watching shows on Netflix. I finally watched season 5 of The Guild because Netflix did this awesome thing where it takes the full seasons of the show (made up of short, 4-7 minute episodes) and smooshes them into full-show-length episodes, which is great because you don't need to click through episodes or watch the opening and end credits a bazillion times. The fifth season was fantastic. The Guild is one of those great shows that gets better with each season rather than worse. I haven't decided yet between watching Breaking Bad or Weeds next. Both shows were introduced to me by Katimafriends and both look quite good.

I have almost no ambitions to do anything more productive with my time right now. When I first got back, I was entertaining ideas of trying to start That Novel that everyone secretly has planned in the back of their heads, or working on the business plan I thought up in the fall to sell hand-done postcards. But right now, all I really feel like doing is playing The Hunger Games Adventures on Facebook, Rhapsody on my DS, or going back to reading One Day by David Nicholls.

At the very least I should really start going to the gym again. I haven't gone since last summer, but theoretically my parents' Y membership covers me as well. In other health-ish news, I've been drinking water like a normal person since I got back from Alberta (because the water there tasted like chlorine and by comparison the water here is glorious) and doing a little bit of cooking. Tonight I'm making vegetarian pizzas and on Friday I'm making meatless chili. I still eat meat, but cooking it is daunting and buying it is expensive and also vegetarian food tastes great so why not.

Katimavik Day 102

Day one hundred and two... On paper, this is just a few days after the halfway point of my six-month challenge (and it is a challenge, deciding every day to stay is getting harder as the group dynamics change), but I really consider the halfway point to be Wednesday, March 28 - travel day. On that Tuesday night, Cuisiner, B.C., Dog and I went for one last go at the microbrewery we enjoyed so much during our time in Chicoutimi. We got home just before 11 p.m. and not much more than an hour later, a bus arrived to take us to Quebec City. At 4 a.m. Wednesday morning we were at the airport there. Around 8:30 a.m. we were switching planes in the Toronto airport. Half the group (including me) landed in Calgary at 11 a.m. local time, and we had to wait until 2 for the other half of our group to show up - they took the scenic flight, touching down in Thunder Bay and Winnipeg before meeting us. From there we took a bus, stopping to drop off a group in Lethbridge, down to Medicine Hat. We met our new project leader and got settled in to our nice big house: the girls may all be sharing a room now, but it is certainly the biggest Katimahouse that we've seen or stayed in.

That Thursday we had our work place tours. All of these new placements looked interesting, and I probably wouldn't have cared at all which placement I got, if it weren't for the Esplanade/Hive placement. The Esplanade is the local art gallery and the Hive is an artist's cooperative. As we toured the two locations, I wondered if they could have been any more tailored to my interests if they were trying. After the interview process on Friday morning, I am pleased to say that I did get the artsy placement. I now work every morning at the Esplanade, doing anything from exhibit installation to helping with the school tours or working on the Public Art project (which is mostly data entry but I will also have the opportunity to travel the city taking pictures of outdoor art!). Then in the afternoons I go to the Hive, where every day of the week I work with a different artist (they all specialize in different media, from didgeridoos to photoshop) doing varied things in a laid-back atmosphere that includes a retail store but that isn't the point of the placement.

Thus far, Medicine Hat is confusing. I'm pleased that I'll be walking to and from work here, as the weather is gorgeous (no snow to be seen! It's t-shirt weather!) and it will give me an opportunity to become more comfortable with the city very quickly. The streets are mostly numbers, which I'm not very good with as I'm not used to that format. I don't even remember whether I live on a street or an avenue right now. We are a short walk from a convenience store, a liquor store, a pharmacy, and two pubs, which is pretty much all we need. Heh.

I am sorry to say that B.C. chose to leave the program. He left today while we were all at work. We saw him off last night at the bar we've adopted, and he said he'd add us all on Facebook (something he had been refusing to do before this point). It's going to be weird, being here without him. I remember what it was like to go two weeks without Barry - and that was much earlier, and I'm quite a bit closer to B.C. than Barry. We'll see how it goes I guess.

I have to say, I'm actually quite jealous that he's going home. I've decided to start searching for a job that will bring me back home, and if I find one that needs me home before the program is over - so be it. Being here is wreaking havoc on my mental health. I don't enjoy this anymore. My job is great - it's the program rules, the group living, the distance and time between myself and everything I care about that's the problem. I'm unhappy here. The few people to whom I've said this have told me I don't have much longer, surely I can stick it out. But nobody else knows exactly how I feel. I want to do what's best for myself, and I no longer believe that finishing the program is conducive to that.

I'll keep you posted (pun intended).

Katimavik Day 79

I'm in a very reflective mood tonight. After the packing started yesterday, I realised I really don't want to work too hard on my packing. But of course I want to do it well - fit everything properly in my suitcase, don't exceed weight limits, whatever. So I decided to do half today and half tomorrow. Today I decided what to wear, what to put in my carry-on, and what to mail back home (that box is mostly just keepsakes and my long underwear). While doing that, I took down the handmade calendars that I have had on my wall since January. I decided to check them with the main calendar on the wall for the group and make sure I have all of our events recorded. I didn't realise how many things we had done. I've noticed most of the changes in my personality, but all of the things I've experienced here are quite surprising...

- Jan 5, Bread workshop
- Jan 6, Trip to Medabetchewan (sp?) to meat the Masteuiatsch and Dolbeau groups
- Jan 7, "Kati-caching" Picture Scavenger Hunt around Chicoutimi
- Jan 9-10, work placement tours
- Jan 11, interviews
- Jan 12, first day of work
- Every Monday since Jan 16, CinéClub movie night
- Every Wednesday since Jan 18, second language courses
- Jan 21, Badminton
- Jan 23, the exciting arrival of Tong
- Jan 27, Group volunteering at the Red Cross (stuffed 10,000 envelopes!)
- Jan 28, Skating
- Feb 4, Snowshoeing
- Feb 5, Saguenay En Neige winter festival
- Feb 6-9, house managing (cooked: greek salad, chinese noodles, sushi, sandwiches, soup, rolls)
- Feb 10-19, billeting (went bowling, to a sign language concert practice, three hockey games)
- Feb 24, another Red Cross volunteering (another 8,000 envelopes!)
- Feb 25, Cross-country Skiing
- Feb 29, Donated blood for the first time
- March 3, Snow tubing
- March 5-9, house managing (cooked: macaroni, roast pork, yellow thai curry, crepes stuffed with ham & spinach omelettes, hummus, greek salad)
- March 10-11, Quebec City with Wrecking Ball
- March 15, Trip to Masteuiatsch to see the Musée Des Amerindiens
- March 16, Regard Short Film Festival
- March 17, Spaghetti Dinner volunteering (we raised over $6000 dollars for a local service that provides healthy meals to seniors)
- March 18, Sugar Shack
- March 20+22, Katimavik presentations at the local seminary

I can't wait to see what this adventure has in store for me in Alberta. Hopefully I'll be able to keep working on the self-improvement I've started. My current goal is drinking responsibly; since my arrival here I have made some major steps backwards, that I failed to really notice until Wrecking Ball brought it to my attention. I have also found that every time I notice something in someone else's personality that is annoying the shit out of me, I spend some time to reflect and try to find that same quality in myself - because I usually can. Once I've pinpointed that, I try to think of a plan to work on that aspect of myself.

I can't think of a way to conclude this entry... goodnight. I love you all :)

Katimavik Day 78

This weekend the Katimahouse in Chicoutimi is moving. On Tuesday night, we're leaving for Alberta. So basically, we are doing all the work in a move that makes almost no difference to us. But it's not bad. Packing the house is actually quite fun, as it gives us a chance to pick through all the over-stuffed cupboards and drawers that we haven't bothered to look at before now. Also, we are recycling all the various broken things in the house (which included, quite surprisingly, a rotary phone) and donating huge amounts of things to a local second-hand store, which always feels good.

The volunteering last Saturday night was decent. I doled out spaghetti sauce to about 150 people (there were supposedly 300 hundred in attendance and there were two sauce stations) and then helped with dishes. I assumed I was doing "my fair share" of the work, until Roo approached me and said I was working really hard and she appreciated it. While I did enjoy the recognition, it kind of irked me that my constant yet relaxed pace was comparatively that much. I had preferred to imagine that everyone was working, but apparently half the group was sitting in the dining room drinking coffee.

Sunday's trip to the Sugar Shack was a bit of a disappointment - even the francophones said so. Instead of being a rustic cabin with an all-you-can-eat, maple-syrup-based buffet, it was a backwater cafeteria that didn't even have real orange juice. The "tire à l'érable" (maple pull?) was great though - I took three helpings of the fresh maple syrup that they poured onto the snow. It was also great spending a bit more time with the Masteuiatsch group. They're going to help us move on Saturday too, and I look forward to it. It strikes me as unfortunate that we didn't spend more time with them. I think when we get to Medicine Hat I'll suggest we spend some more time with the other nearby groups.

On Tuesday, Barry and I went to a local seminary school to give some presentations about Katimavik. I found myself surprisingly at ease, talking in front of thirty people in my second language. Once upon a time, during a two minute speech, a teacher of mine said that the rocking I was doing was distracting. The only way for me to stay calm while giving a presentation was to rock back and forth on my heels. But now, I'm much more confident. I gave an hour long presentation, and I was completely comfortable. I felt very proud; I don't know when I developed this confidence but I am so glad that public speaking is no longer an issue for me. It's going to come in very handy later in life, of that I am sure. We have another presentation tomorrow morning, and I'm really looking forward to it. Now that I know how easy I find it - enjoyable even - I can't wait to share my experiences with another group of young people about to graduate. It sounds kind of cheesy, I know, but I hope that even one of those kids will try the program. It's an incredibly rewarding experience.

Though I am very excited to get to Medicine Hat and start a fresh adventure, I am really going to miss Chicoutimi. My work placement, especially, has been one of the highlights of this rotation. I adore every day that I spend at the shelter. I'm certainly ready for a change or two, but I doubt I'll ever forget the times I had there. I could make a woman's day just by helping her to make her bed, or telling her I like her shirt, or drawing some flowers and giving her the picture without her asking. The overall shelter experience seems to be fairly dull for the residents, so I find it's very easy to have a positive influence on their moods with the tiniest of gestures.

Today was B.C.'s 21st birthday but we went to the local pub last night, so tonight we didn't do much. We're all tired after all the packing we did anyway. Thirteen people (Roo's boss was helping us out) can sure make a lot of progress in an hour, but that one hour is some very hard work.

A day and a half left of work, a whirlwind of a move, and two days to "unwind" (I doubt that), and we'll be on our way. It feels so weird to think we're leaving! But I'm ready for it. Bring it on.

Katimavik Day 73

This week was certainly more difficult than any I have had here so far. At the beginning, my homesickness was sharp but I had so many new experiences to distract me - meeting everyone, orienting myself in a new city, and getting into the routine of my work placement. But this past week was very hard, because my homesickness was sharp and there was nothing new going on - I knew everyone, I knew where I was, I knew what work was like.

Using time as an agent of separation is the best method, to me, for healing pains. On Wednesday I got a little more comfortable still being here. On Thursday, we met up with the Masteuiatsch and Dolbeau groups, which was unfamiliar enough to be incredibly distracting. Yesterday, I found that I was back in my old mindset: I'm happy to be here enough that three more months doesn't sound so awful. I'd really like to thank the words of encouragement left on my last post, as they certainly cheered me up. And letters don't make me homesick, rather they make me glad to be here because getting mail is awesome! You two are great and I look forward to seeing you again when I get home - this summer.

Last night I was able to watch part of the Regard Short Film Festival. It was really great. I was there as a volunteer; my work was to ask people a brief survey before they went into the film session. Happily, after thirty minutes of rather intimidating work - approaching strangers isn't something I'm comfortable with yet - I was allowed to watch the full film session. I believe I watched 10 short films, perhaps more, in my 2 hours there. I really enjoyed it. It's the sort of experience I've never had before, and I don't see why I've never sought out such a thing before. It makes me think again about how little I engaged as a citizen back home. I lived in the community without interacting with it. I'm really eager to change that when I go back.

I'm also getting excited again to go to Alberta. As part of my "pull yourself out of this crap feeling before it ruins your experience" efforts (which included some self-pampering involving food and nail polish, and the creation of some strange art work) I wrote a list of all the good things about going to Alberta that I couldn't get if I went home. One example is the new work placement I'm going to have. I can't wait to find out what I'll be doing when I get there.

It's one in the afternoon, so I should probably get out of bed. Tonight we're volunteering at Cuisiner's workplace, at a spaghetti dinner/dance night fundraiser (he works at an old folk's catering service). Tomorrow afternoon we're going to a sugar shack with the Masteuiatsch group. I really like seeing them. The Dolbeau group really keeps to themselves, but Masteuiatsch is very sociable.

11 days left here in Chicoutimi! I still need to try out the sushi bar on Racine st and a cafe, but after that, I will have done everything I wanted to do here.

Katimavik Day 67

This weekend was our 48 hour break - we were free to do whatever we wanted. So on Friday, Wrecking Ball drove all the way up here and spent the night in the Katimavik house with all of us (well, half of us - several people left for Montreal that night). Then on Saturday morning he drove Rose and I to Quebec City. Rose met her parents for skiing and he and I went for a nice drive before checking into the same hotel at which we stayed the last time we went to Quebec together. We had a lazy day and night and morning, before he dropped me off at Chateau Frontenac from where Rose's parents drove us back to Chicoutimi.

It was wonderful to see him. It made me really want to go home though. It's a lot easier to miss him when it's been long enough that I can't remember what it's like to be close to him. Now that I remember what it feels like...

I don't want to talk about it. This weekend was very special, and I'm going to be selfish about the details.

I am going to have trouble finishing the program. I really, sincerely, can't care about Alberta right now. I want to go home where "missing" him is just going a few days without hanging out. Where my cat is more than just pictures in my e-mail inbox and where my friends are more than text messages.

I don't know if I'm having more trouble with this program than my housemates. I know B.C. is pretty sick of it but he wants to get his travel deposit back at the end. Everyone else seems to be adoring it. But me, I think I've gotten all I can from this program. I've worked my ass off at a women's shelter. I've tried a bunch of new winter activities and I no longer dislike snow. I learned how to cook and I started to love cleaning. I learned to take genuine pride in the work that I do. I got a little closer to knowing what I want to do in life - to the point that I applied for a new school for next year, an art school, and I was accepted a few days ago, and I'm very excited to go. Now, I'm just here for the French immersion but in Alberta there will be a hell of a lot less French - just my housemates. And they all want to practice their English.

I'll take it one day at a time. One day isn't so hard. I just have to do my "one more day" a hundred more times.

Katimavik Day 64

This week I am house managing with Dog. It's been going really well. He takes the initiative to clean things and I don't feel at all like I need to ask him to do anything. Between the two of us, the house has been cleaner than it's seemed in weeks, and the food we've been making has been good too. On Monday we made macaroni and cheese and a ceasar salad. Every supper cooked is supposed to have food from each food group in it, and we had no protein in the meal, so when I was making the ceasar salad dressing I blended tofu in with it. Nobody noticed! It was hilarious. About halfway through the meal, Dog asked everyone to guess where the tofu was, and most people assumed it was in the macaroni. I thought it was great that people couldn't taste it because it seems like nobody in the group is actually willing to eat tofu (apart from Rose and I). On Tuesday, I made a pork roast that turned out surprisingly well considering I had only the vaguest recipe (I asked my supervisor what she did to her pork roast last week and she said "mustard and onion soup" so that's what I did) and no idea at what temperature to cook it. It came out well cooked (it could have cooked a little longer but it wasn't undercooked) and still tender and juicy. It was a big hit. Last night we made thai yellow curry with brocolli stir fry and dessert sushi. It wasn't perfect, but people still said it was good. That makes me worry about all the other compliments we've recieved... Oh well. Tonight we're going to have breakfast for dinner, with crepes wrapped around ham and spinach omelettes, topped with hollandaise sauce. On the side is a fruit salad with devon custard, and for dessert it's waffles with whipped cream. Should be pretty good.

I adore cooking. Making bread has been so much fun. Every so often I wonder about what it's going to be like when I finish this program. Will I still want to make my own bread? Right now I think I will, but that could certainly change. Will I still enjoy cleaning bathrooms every day? Probably. I've done them every day this week, and I don't think our bathrooms have been this clean any other week, if I do say so myself. It feels really good knowing that it's me that is doing that.

Running a household for twelve is challenging, especially since people don't seem to care much about picking up after themselves. And maybe I just don't eat a lot, but I feel like everyone else makes it their goal to eat everything in the house as fast as possible. It seems at times like it would be physically impossible to buy too much, or even just enough, of anything. Milk and yogurt and even the bread we make disappears at a frightening speed.

Wrecking Ball will be here tomorrow. I can hardly get my head around it. I'm too excited!

Katimavik Day 57

It's really hard to remember to update this blog while I'm here. Between my personal journal and my letters to Wrecking Ball, Jewel, and Hey Rosetta!, I am putting most of my experiences into words already and therefore this blog is low on my priority list of record-keeping. But I am trying to keep in mind that for some people (like my sorority sisters) this is the only view of my experience that they really have.

Yesterday after my language course (we have three-hour second language courses every Wednesday) I went and donated blood for the first time. I was so proud of myself when it was done! But very frightened beforehand. I was also frightened during the process. It was funny because about three quarters of the way through it the needle started to hurt my arm, so the nurse moved it a bit. Then it started to hurt even worse so she moved it again. They guessed I was having a mild reaction to the disinfecting agent they had put on my skin and that it was no big deal. But suddenly I was terrified and I wasn't sure I wanted to keep going. I started to cry and they offered to let me stop, but I told them I was OK and I still felt fine, the needle was just scaring me and I wanted to go until the end. I knew I would be very ashamed of myself if I stopped early. It was hard to calm myself down though. I really am quite afraid of needles, and the sensation of pain felt heavy in a way that had me half convinced it was about to rip itself out of my skin. It was awful. But again, I'm so glad I went through with it to the end. I even got a nice little pin of a drop of blood with the number one in the center, so I can openly display that I chose to do this.

Work has been going really well. I adore my time at the shelter. Every day is more or less the same: clear the breakfast table and do the breakfast dishes; wash the two bathrooms, including the showers and toilets, and sweep them; do the wordsearch and sudoku in the paper (this is my own choice, I do it during my breaks); dust the upstairs; help prepare lunch; eat lunch; clean up after lunch, which involves dishes, sweeping, and wiping the kitchen cabinets; read a novel until it's time to go. I do hope I've made a list similar to that for you before, as I want to stress that the work is almost monotonous.  I want it to be clear that I have begun to take pride in my work for what it is, and enjoy it as it is, despite the apparent lameness of my schedule. I feel very appreciated for the work that I do there. I know there is too much work for one person, but that the shelter can't afford to hire another daytime staff person. Therefore, everything I do for them is highly appreciated because otherwise my "supervisor" would need to do all of my work in addition to her own, and there aren't quite enough hours in the day for that.

This week we started doing something in the Katimavik house called "Special Friends". Each person who has chosen to participate (a few people weren't interested) picked the name of another participant and at some point during the week they must do a nice thing or two for their special friend. I once gave Rose the link to this blog, so in the interest of secrecy I won't say what I did for my friend this week lest she look here and figure out who I had. For now, I'll just say that s/he loved what I did, and I will give more details after Sunday.

The end of our time here in Quebec is quickly drawing near. We have already started our debriefing activities; Roo wanted to start them early so that we can be relaxed about it. We wrote info sheets about our work placements for the next batch of volunteers and we did a reflection activity on our personal qualities. We needed to find habits to discard, continue, and develop. I chose to try to stop worrying about what others think about me and doubting myself; to continue making efforts to think and read in French (thinking in French as opposed to forming sentences in English and translating before I speak, which is a very tough habit to break!); and to develop more organisational skills (I've been way too slack about keeping my personal shelves and drawers tidy) and better financial habits (I have made great progress in this area but I still make too many impulse purchases).

Though I have known about it for a while I didn't want to say anything for fear it may not happen, but I am ready to share this news now: Wrecking Ball is going to come visit me! We have a 48 hour break (that is, no activities scheduled all weekend) next weekend and he is going to drive here to see me and then take us to Quebec City. I am more excited than I know how to describe. I think I'm more excited to see him again than I was to come here, and that is saying a lot. I'm glad I'll be house manager next week because I just can't imagine focusing at work knowing that every minute is bringing me closer to seeing him again.

I'll do my best to remember to post at least once next week about what it's really like running a household for twelve. Spoiler alert: grocery day is madness.

I'm having a great time but I miss everyone back home!

Katimavik Day 49

Well, it's been a while. Katimalife is crazy busy. A few weeks ago I was House Manager for the first time, which means I stayed home from work all week and cleaned the house and cooked supper for everyone. It was really cool. I learned how to make greek salad and sushi, and I learned that you can find cleaning instructions for anything on the internet (our towels no longer smell like mildew, and it's all thanks to me!). I'll talk more about the House Manager experience next time I do it, that is the week from March 5-9.

Last week was billeting. Everyone cleared out of the house and stayed with different families in the community, while Roo went  to New York with a friend of hers. I stayed with this really nice woman who works with disabled children at a local high school. She took me to three hockey games and, to my surprise, I enjoyed watching them immensely. I remember that when Jewel and I went to one in grade 8 I liked it a lot, but I assumed at the time that it was just spending time with her that I enjoyed so much. Nope. I'm a hockey fan.

Having my own bedroom for a week was glorious. I had a big squishy double bed and even my own bathroom. And best of all, I got home from work about a half an hour before my host, so I had some time actually alone in a house. I've been referring to the week as my "Katimavacation" because I was about ready to murder a few people and now I'm very relaxed again. I really valued my alone time but found myself missing the group. It was nice to know coming back was going to feel good.

Barry went home on medical leave because he has mono and he won't be back until March 1. Now, I know it is the 22nd of February and to anyone outside of Katimavik that doesn't seem like a long time. But everyone in the house (Fox especially) is really feeling his absence. The one week that we were all apart felt like forever - Rose and I met up halfway through the week and we felt the need to linger on our goodbyes, even though we knew we would see each other again in four days - so now that we're all back together except for him, it feels really wrong. I understand a lot better now the atmosphere on shows like the Masterchef series, how it feels when someone gets eliminated.

It's both comforting and scary to know that we feel this connected already. It's comforting because it means the next four months (where has the time gone?) are going to be fun being together. But it's scary because it makes it hard to imagine what finishing the program is going to feel like. I get to go back to Wrecking Ball and my family and my sorority and my friends and my cat. But I'll be leaving behind these people that are becoming a very huge part of my life. I don't know how I feel about that, but I guess I'll handle it when the time comes.

A great shout out to my sorority, as I received my sweatpants and tshirt yesterday and I think they're fantastic! And a happy birthday to that guy I love :)

Katimavik Day 24

This morning I'm thinking about how my group members perceive myself and my relationship with Wrecking Ball. There is only one other person in the group that has a significant other, and that's Polo. But he's a little more secretive about it. I don't mean that he denies having a girlfriend or something. I just mean that everyone knew I had a boyfriend by the second or third day and I'm rather public about our interactions, but Polo is a lot more private and I only learned he has a girlfriend a few days ago.

When I say I'm public about our interactions I don't mean that I broadcast every detail. I mean that when I'm writing him a letter I'll do it in the dining room instead of in my bedroom, and if I get a letter from him I announce it at dinner during our "Rose and Thorn" game, in which we share the best and worst moments of our days. A letter from Wrecking Ball is always the Rose of my day :)

The other members of the group tease me a little about him, but it's in a nice way. For example, sometimes when we Skype we have a mug of tea together using specific mugs I bought us for that purpose (you can laugh at that if you want, I know it sounds kind of corny). A few nights ago I was boiling water on the kettle and I went to get my mug from my bedroom (the safest place for it!) and when Dog saw that I was holding it he said, "aw, Horchata's got a Skype date!" and Fox chimed in with "that's so cuuuute!" Last week at dinner Roo was telling us about an elderly woman nearby who would love to have us over for a games night. She described her as happily married with no kids but several cats and very lonely, and said she would appreciate it if we went over once or twice. As the whole group knows I miss my cat dearly, they instantly jumped on that: "That's going to be Horchata in 40 years, she already has one cat and her true love!"

I like that they acknowledge his presence in my life. I don't think I could find the words to explain why, but something about the way they ask about how we met or ask how he's doing makes me feel really good. But sometimes they also make me feel silly. I do whatever I can to keep Wrecking Ball involved in my experience. Every Monday night we go to a local school for a meeting of CinéClub Chicoutimi to watch a French film. I picked up an extra brochure about the CinéClub last week and translated the summaries of the movies for him so he would know what I'm going to be watching and, if one of them interests him, potentially find a way to watch it himself so we could talk about it. But Fox came home while I was sitting at the table with a dictionary and the brochure, working on it, and she said, "God, I'm glad I don't have a boyfriend right now, look at what she's doing, that would drive me insane." I felt rather embarassed but also defensive. I don't know if anyone reading this knows what it's like to be in a long-distance relationship but it sucks. It's hard, and more than a little lonely. When you're not interacting with them you miss them but somehow, when you are interacting with them, you miss them a little more, because it's as though it highlights what you can't have. If I'm on the phone with him before bed and I'm falling asleep it really hurts because I think about how if I wasn't here, we wouldn't be on the phone, we could actually be in bed together. So when Fox implied that I was crazy to be working to keep Wrecking Ball close to me I really wanted to say something nasty to her, because she really doesn't understand this. Instead, I just smiled and kept working.

Sometimes when you live with people it's easier to just not say anything when they piss you off. But only sometimes.

The other thing about which I'm thinking this morning (yay for long entries!) is my own life goals. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about them lately and I feel as though it is in my best interests to postpone (not abandon!) my dream of nursing. I feel as though the shift work would really hinder my stability and as I'd like to have kids as soon as I can, I feel I should pursue something else now and then go into nursing a little later in life, when my kids have grown up.

Sharing that reminds me of a conversation I had this morning. Cuisiner and I were awake before anyone because I went to bed early and he woke himself up with his coughing (he came down with something that sounds brutal a few days ago... I kind of want to bleach the whole house and drown myself in Vitamin C to prevent catching it myself) and after making him take some echinacea tablets for his throat I went back to the writing I started Thursday morning. He asked what I was working on and I explained that I had started making a list of every career I could come up with that fit my personal criteria as a way of brainstorming my choices in the coming years. Of course I then had to let him know my priorities, but I started with "I'd like to have kids as soon as I-" and he interrupted me to say I'm insane for wanting kids because we've both been kids and we know they're "bratty little monsters". For the record, I think he's insane for never wanting kids, but I didn't want to start that debate. I told him I didn't share that opinion and that I am very eager to have children. While we were talking about this, he was getting ready to go to the store for some bread (as people have found the loophole: if they buy their own bread it's not against the rules, they just can't put it on the grocery list... I don't intend to buy bread myself though. If there's homemade bread in the house why would I spend my own money on the store-bought stuff?). I told him to put a scarf around his throat to prevent worsening his cough. He has a hood thing that could potentially cover most of his face but he moved towards the door without having done so. I scolded him, "cover your face, do you want to get sicker?" and he tightened the hood to cover himself properly, and left the house saying, "thanks, MOM!" Sitting alone in the dining room, I had to smile to myself. I know it will be several years yet before I can take care of my own kids, but in the mean time, I can force my maternal urges on the people around me. Haha. That was said as at least 75% of a joke.

Katimavik Day 13

So, I have now worked for four days at the women's shelter. I absolutely love it! My mornings are mostly spent cleaning and preparing lunch. After lunch, I do a little more cleaning and then I just do whatever. I usually do some reading (the local newspaper or one of the books I got from the library last week) and talk with the residents. They all seemed quite intimidating when we did the tours of the work placements, but they all seem very nice now. There are often scheduled activities in the afternoons and next week I'll be running my own little drawing/imagination workshop. I'm really excited to do it and I hope they enjoy it.

There is a lot of cleaning to do at the shelter, but it is all done very regularly, so it's not gross or even hard work. Imagine a world in which cleaning a toilet feels no different from cleaning a mirror. It's actually quite enjoyable! I've never considered myself a neat freak at all. In fact, I was actually very messy up until the week before I left for Katimavik - I was able to throw out more than 3 garbage bags worth of junk (when I say "more than three" I really mean "I'm too embarassed to say the real number") during The Great Room Purge Of 2012. In my defense (and I may have said this before), I was messy but not dirty. There was nothing gross about the things all over my floor, no food or cat turds, it was all just papers and books, and often clothes and art supplies. I'm starting to get off topic...

I really, really enjoy all the cleaning I've been doing. It feels so good to be in such a clean environment. There isn't even dust in all the places dust usually lurks! It's just absolutely wonderful and I can't say that enough. I fully intend to run my own place that way when I come back. I also fully intend to move out of my parents' house for good when I get back, because I could not stand going back to that level of dependancy (not to mention, I don't want to feel the need to clean my parents' house because it is, put nicely, not pristine). So, anyone looking for a roommate around August? Haha. I don't mean that to sound confusing, I get back in June. I just need to work for a few weeks first so I can actually do that whole rent-paying thing that people seem to require from their roommates. Haha.

I don't know if my writing is reflecting it, but I am in a fantastic mood right now. I didn't oversleep this morning (I kind of did yesterday. And Friday...) and there was cake after lunch because two of the women at the shelter have their birthdays today, and the absolute best part was that in the hour before I left, two women and I discussed some of my favourite topics: marriage and kids. They shared with me the milestones they had passed, and at what age, and told me about their birth stories, and I shared with them my goals, hopes, and fears for the future. Our language barrier is easily ignored with the aid of weird phrases like "that person who isn't the mother or the aunt or not even necessarily related but kind of like a guardian sometimes?" (answer = godmother) and lots of miming. So much miming.

Loving this adventure! But still missing everyone at home, of course <3

Katimavik Day 7

Yesterday we finished touring our potential work placements. When we went to the SPCA, there was a cat that was a Himalayan just like mine but she had different colouring: seal point instead of flame point, which means she was grey where my cat is orange but they both have blue eyes and sweet squishy faces. Petting the cat made me miss mine a little less, so part of me started to hope that I would get placed there, but at the same time the SPCA placement was shared with a book recycling center that looked really boring so I kept the women's shelter as my top choice. When we got home, I went to the library with Rose (yes, I've now picked nicknames for my group members!) and I found two books that really excited me. One is an easy children's book that I read back in grade 12 and the other is a novel for ages 9-12 that will take me a little longer but I'll still enjoy it because it's a translation of a novel by Neil Gaiman called "The Graveyard Book" which I have been meaning to read for a while.

Today we had our group interview. It was really interesting. We had a representative from each work placement there and each volunteer in turn said a bit about themselves including French competency level, work experience, interests, and top placement choices. It was a little daunting to talk in front of so many people, but I was confident in what I had written and I was in the middle of the group so that made it easier.

I got the job at the women's shelter! I'm very, very excited to start there tomorrow! I'm going to have to speak a lot of French there and it's going to be hard, but I think it will be very rewarding.

In the van on the way back to our Katimahouse, B.C. cracked a joke about how I could introduce myself to the women at the shelter: "I was raped too!" I looked at him in shock. "Sorry," he said, "my gender likes rape jokes." Then I said, quite frankly, "It's really only funny until it happens to you." There. I said it to my group members, and I'm saying it here. I'm moving on from the experience, but it happened, and it bothered me a lot. I was raped this summer when Love and I went to Halifax for Canada Day. That's why I never wrote an entry about that trip; I didn't know what to say, I didn't want to admit that it had happened, I wanted to forget. But now I'm really moving on from the trauma. I think my antidepressants are helping a lot with that; the psychiatrist that prescribed them said that I was exhibiting symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder because of it, and one of the effects of the drug is to lessen those symptoms. It's true that when I really think about it, when I remember that night, I still get quite upset. I'm starting to feel a little panicky as I type this, being so frank about it. But it happened, and I know it wasn't my fault. I also don't think it was his fault. Everyone involved was drunk, and while that's no excuse, it makes it easier to accept, in a way. He wasn't intentionally trying to hurt me and in fact I believe that he thought I was consenting.  He should have stopped when I made it clear that I wanted him to stop, but he seemed to think I was only worried about Love noticing what was going on. As B.C. said, when both parties are intoxicated the lines of consent get somewhat blurry. It doesn't remove blame, but it could be worse. It's not as though he drugged me and brought me home with him. I see it as a misunderstanding and yes, it did bother me a lot, I'm not trying to downplay that. I guess I'm just trying to say that I know a lot of people have had much worse experiences than mine so it's getting easier to think about over time.

Rose and B.C. commented that I seemed to be handling it well, and I joked, "it's the happy pills!" And with that we discovered that all three of us take the same antidepressant. We thought it was pretty awesome. I'm very proud to take them, B.C. has been on them for a few years and thinks he doesn't need them any more but sees no need to stop taking them, and Rose is a little embarrassed; from what I understand she doesn't know a lot of people that understand depression, so I can see how that would make it hard for her to talk about it. So we all have a different relationship with the drug but we all agree that it's a very helpful thing.

I'm really looking forward to starting at my work placement tomorrow morning! Just in case y'all forgot that I said that a few paragraphs ago. Whee!

Katimavik Day 5

We've been given so much information in the past few days! There are a lot of rules to follow but most of them are straightforward and easy to remember. One big bonus in all of this is that because I'm bilingual, I hear the information in French and then again when it is translated for the Anglophones. So I have a bit of an advantage as far as absorbing all this information.

We eat so healthy here! It's really exciting. Yesterday we were told about how we will be expected to plan menus when it is our turn to be house manager for a week. The house manager will stay home from their work placement and clean the house and cook dinner for everyone. It sounded like it would be hard to make a menu that is diverse and meets our guidelines but it was very easy. We can cook whatever we want as long as it contains all the food groups with an emphasis on vegetables (so usually we would choose a main dish and then put a vegetable dish on the side) and we can't eat meat with dinner more than 4 days in a week. So an example of a good meal would be vegetarian burgers on ciabatta buns with sweet potato fries on the side, or chicken gyros with greek salad on the side. We have a zillion recipe books and some suggested weekly menus already so it was really easy to come up with the practice menus that our Project Leader (PL from now on) asked us to make.

Today for lunch we all made individual pizzas on whole wheat pitas. I made mine with bechamel sauce that was left over from dinner on Friday instead of tomato sauce, and topped it with Spinach, ham, little chunks of feta cheese, and lots of grated mozzarella. It was fantastic! It's never occurred to me to make something so nice for myself for lunch. I feel like I'll continue to eat healthy when I get home because I never knew how much fun it could be.

Today we toured most of our potential work placements. There are still a few to check out tomorrow. I was really excited during the tour of the women's shelter because we had been told only a Francophone girl could work there and I was disappointed to hear that because it was a place in which I would be interested. But then when we got there I asked if an Anglophone could work there if their French was strong enough and the director said that wouldn't be a problem! And to make that even better, the other two French speaking girls had no interest in the place so (knock on wood) I have a pretty good chance of getting to work there. I think it would be so rewarding. Also, I wouldn't have to pack a lunch (only a few of the placements provide lunch for their volunteers), clean up horse shit (one placement is a farm), or go outside much (the daycares, while awesome because kids, talked about going outside with them. Well, -10 is a warm day around here and -25 happens. So, no thanks). Sounds good to me.

I'd like to talk about the dynamics emerging in our group because it's so interesting to see how everyone is interacting but I'm very, very tired. I actually took a nap before supper. I don't know what it was about touring work placements but I was exhausted when we got back. I have to be up early again tomorrow so I should get to bed now to ensure at least seven and a half hours of sleep.

It's hard to balance socializing with this group, keeping in touch with people back home, and getting a decent amount of sleep (I prefer ten hours). I guess I'll get the hang of it though; it's still early.

Katimavik Day 1

I'm not going to worry about song quotes that relate to my Katimaposts for the next six months. I will certainly start again when I'm home.

Yesterday was the big moving day. I spent my last few hours packing and panicking and being nervous. I said goodbye to my cat and told her I wasn't abandoning her and that I would come back, and she hoarsely said "mruh" which almost made me cry because she is normally a very quiet cat so it was like she was trying to tell me that she understood and it was OK. Wrecking Ball drove me to the airport. We met my parents there but they didn't come in with me because my brother was having a bad day and they thought it best not to bring him in. We said goodbye there and I thought my sister was going to cry. Then I had to leave Wrecking Ball behind and I was trying not to cry, it was very hard. I'm not worrying like I was about what would happen to our relationship over the next six months; instead I am sad about how hard it will be to miss him.

My first flight landed in Montreal, and then I flew from there to Quebec. I met a girl on the plane who is in a nearby group. Then at the airport I met one of the boys from my group. We all piled onto a bus and I met another boy from my group. One of the girls nearby might have been in my group but I slept through the bus ride and can't remember who else was near me. We got to our Katimahouse a little after 1 am.

This morning we introduced ourselves and our Project Leader told us a little about our schedule. We're about to go learn how to make bread, because we won't be buying bread at all for the next six months, it will all be homemade! I'm quite excited for that. But I'm due back upstairs in three minutes so talking about the other people in my group will have to wait. I have most peoples names down already though!

The Wedding

"They start to move across the floor, the room is frozen wanting more. The happy couple on display, with nothing standing in their way. It's so romantic I could die, right here and now!"
- The Wedding Singer musical, Someday

Yesterday Wrecking Ball drove us to Charlottetown for my cousin's wedding. We showed up just in time for the ceremony - only minutes to spare. We tried to leave early, but Wrecking Ball needed to talk to Cat before we got going, and then I realised I'd forgotten the dress I wanted to wear to the reception, and then the roads were awful for most of the drive.

The ceremony was lovely. It was in a basilica that still had red velvet ribbons and white fairy lights everywhere from Christmas. The bride was crying with happiness as she walked up the aisle and it made my day. The only unenjoyable thing for me was that we had jogged from the hotel to the church and I had a mild asthma attack through three quarters of the ceremony. It was all I could do to hold my coughs until times when we were all moving or otherwise making noise.

At the reception, my aunts kept coming to talk to us. Many wanted to talk to me about going to Katimavik, but what they all really wanted was to be introduced to Wrecking Ball. They had almost all met Acadia once upon a time, if only through Facebook, but I had never brought him to a wedding and if I'm not mistaken there were two on this side of the family (my mother's) during the time frame of our relationship. It seemed to be a major thing for them; my favourite aunt and my second cousin were particularly interested in asking me about him.

Around 10:30, it was time for the bride to toss the bouquet. I had had a decent amount to drink by that time - sake with the sushi we grabbed pre-reception, two glasses of wine (mine and my cousin's with dinner, as she didn't want hers), and a rum and coke. That's over about 4 hours, but it is a lot for lightweight me, especially with my newly lowered tolerance (the anti-depressants still work really well) and the fact that I hadn't eaten much all day. I was feeling giddy and a little less coordinated than usual. My aunts wouldn't even let me choose whether or not to get the bouquet. I don't know if they sincerely wanted me to be next in line (there are only two cousins older than I am who are not married) or if they just wanted someone from the groom's party to catch it (because the other women were all from the bride's family and friends). Whichever it was, I was being told to go up there before I could think.

So there we were, standing in line a few metres behind my new cousin-in-law. She tossed the bouquet over her shoulder and I watched it sail almost slowly towards us. It looked like it was going to hit the girl beside me in the face. She didn't even seem to be starting to raise her arms. So I just reached over and plucked it out of the air. I had caught the bouquet! I caught it! I looked at it in surprise. I can't catch things even when I'm completely sober, and here I was, having ninja'd this prize out from under some other girl's nose. I was more than a little pleased with myself, can you tell?

We all counted down to the new year together, which was very cool. I've never been around more than a few people during a NYE countdown, and there was something so magical about the energy in the air. The alcohol was probably contributing to that, but it gave me the same feeling I get when I watch fireworks, which is something I can't describe without getting really cheesy but in short it is wonderful.

Wrecking Ball and I went back to the hotel before the party was over. I drunkenly told him we should get married and have six babies. This morning I awkwardly told him I remembered saying it but didn't actually want to have six kids. "I don't think I could handle more than three," I said, which was an attempt at a joke but the whole thing was just too strange and he didn't really say anything to that. I don't think he could have.

We went to Cora's for breakfast at noon and he couldn't decide between two things that sounded very tasty. I had already made up my mind (mostly) but changed it and we ordered both of the things he was debating and shared them both. I think it was actually the best breakfast I have ever had, no exaggerations.

I felt really bad during the drive back because I was able to nap and Wrecking Ball was clearly getting tired. I had already been pretty sure that I'd like to get my driver's license when I get back from Katimavik, but now I'm sure. Because I'd really like to go back to Charlottetown to revisit Ta-Ke Sushi and see Anne & Gilbert: The Musical (it will take me a lot of convincing to get WB to agree to that one) but I don't want to make him drive that far again. It feels quite unfair.

Anniversary/Christmas

"Best that I've had, I'm so glad I found you - I love being around you!"
- Plain White T's, 1 2 3 4

Last Saturday, Wrecking Ball and I celebrated our first anniversary. I went over to his house and traded Christmas present with him and his family, and I was pleasantly surprised when he gave me some books he enjoys as a Christmas present. He thought we could read them together while I'm away. I thought that was an excellent gift, and told him I had already bought extra copies of my two favourite books (Memoirs of a Geisha and 13 Little Blue Envelopes) so that we could read them together. It was really cool that we both had the same idea (well, we both like the same idea. I didn't think of it myself, I actually read it online somewhere).

On Christmas morning, after my family had opened all of our presents, Wrecking Ball collected me and we had dinner with his family, then went back to my house for dessert and watched a movie with my dad (The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, the Swedish version with subtitles).

For some reason this felt like the best Christmas I've had in a long time. I don't know whether it was because I'm really cherishing the time that I have with my family before I leave (that sounds so silly, but I love them more than I like to admit) or if it was something else, but it was a really good weekend.

For the rest of last week I've been seeing my friends, Love in particular, as much as I can. Jewel and I had a nice time together on Wednesday. We went to the mall for no reason just like we used to do in middle school. It was great. We're going to see each other again tomorrow night, and I'm really looking forward to it. It's funny, we don't see each other very often, but the option is always there and we seem to take that for granted. Since we are about to have six whole months in which we are guaranteed to not see each other, it suddenly feels like I couldn't spend enough time with her.