This weekend was our 48 hour break - we were free to do whatever we wanted. So on Friday, Wrecking Ball drove all the way up here and spent the night in the Katimavik house with all of us (well, half of us - several people left for Montreal that night). Then on Saturday morning he drove Rose and I to Quebec City. Rose met her parents for skiing and he and I went for a nice drive before checking into the same hotel at which we stayed the last time we went to Quebec together. We had a lazy day and night and morning, before he dropped me off at Chateau Frontenac from where Rose's parents drove us back to Chicoutimi.
It was wonderful to see him. It made me really want to go home though. It's a lot easier to miss him when it's been long enough that I can't remember what it's like to be close to him. Now that I remember what it feels like...
I don't want to talk about it. This weekend was very special, and I'm going to be selfish about the details.
I am going to have trouble finishing the program. I really, sincerely, can't care about Alberta right now. I want to go home where "missing" him is just going a few days without hanging out. Where my cat is more than just pictures in my e-mail inbox and where my friends are more than text messages.
I don't know if I'm having more trouble with this program than my housemates. I know B.C. is pretty sick of it but he wants to get his travel deposit back at the end. Everyone else seems to be adoring it. But me, I think I've gotten all I can from this program. I've worked my ass off at a women's shelter. I've tried a bunch of new winter activities and I no longer dislike snow. I learned how to cook and I started to love cleaning. I learned to take genuine pride in the work that I do. I got a little closer to knowing what I want to do in life - to the point that I applied for a new school for next year, an art school, and I was accepted a few days ago, and I'm very excited to go. Now, I'm just here for the French immersion but in Alberta there will be a hell of a lot less French - just my housemates. And they all want to practice their English.
I'll take it one day at a time. One day isn't so hard. I just have to do my "one more day" a hundred more times.
You've come this far! Don't turn back now! The boy and the cat and the friends will all be waiting for you with open arms at the other side of this incredible journey. You only get this chance once! I support your choices, but I feel like you'd regret not finishing it off.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, I know what feeling homesick is like. If I survived cooking school for a whole year when I knew after the first week that it wasn't for me, YOU CAN DO THIS!!
ReplyDeleteYou can't start the college early, so do you really want to go back to Taco Bell as the only thing to do? Wrecking Ball wouldn't be able to see you all day every day since he'd be busy with work or school (I forget). I know the homesickness is hard, but you can survive another 100 or so days, I'm sure of it. You're a very strong person, don't ever forget that!
I think Alberta has a lot to offer too. It might not seem like it but you'll learn a lot of new things. This placement you might've improved your French and your cleaning, the next placement you'll improve other skills. And you'll get back to the point where the homesickness isn't as strong. And you'll continue to forge life long friendships with your housemates.
I don't mean to be harsh or anything, but I know you can do it. I have no doubt about that. I was just trying to help you realize that you are strong enough to do it. :)
I wrote you a letter, but I might wait a little to send it so that you're not hit with more homesickness. Let me know when you're feeling better about the whole thing and then I'll mail it. xoxox