"Gonna run, gonna scream, gonna crawl round on your knees, when you realize that no one's gonna measure up to me. It doesn't matter 'cause I'm over it now."
- Pink, This Is How It Goes Down
Today, I was on the bus listening to music and drinking hot chocolate. I looked out the window and saw a couple laughing and holding hands. It was Acadia and That Slut, the girl from his camera, the girl with whom "nothing happened", and he had told me he couldn't feel anything for anyone who wasn't me, and he had said he would always be there for me, always love me, but he wasn't and he didn't. I felt like the bus had flipped out from under me, I might have made a noise, I know my mouth dropped open. I felt stunned, shocked, angry, hurt, a whole torrent of feelings that I could hardly recognize because they hit me so fast. I turned up my music to try and drown out a buzzing in my ears.
In December 2009, I had an important exam early in the morning after the opening night of the musical I was in. Because of where I was living, I was going to be going in to my exam with only about five hours of sleep. It was decided I would spend the night at Acadia's because it would allow me an extra hour of sleep since I wouldn't need to catch such an early bus to campus. I could have gotten a drive to his place with a cast member, but he said That Slut would come get me, because they were hanging out and if he wasn't home I couldn't get in anyway. I thought that sounded fine. But they were over an hour late in coming to get me, and his story kept changing. "We fell asleep," he said. "I needed to get something to eat first," he told me. "She wasn't feeling well." I was suspicious of what had really happened while he was there. I just wanted him to admit that something had happened, because I knew with all my heart that something had. "She has a boyfriend," he tried to tell me. I laughed at him: "That never stopped me when I was with you, did it?" That started a brand new fight. The next morning I went to my exam, not rested at all. I ended up dozing on and off for most of it, and I scored very low. I was angry, but at myself more than at him, because I could have just taken a taxi from my house to the exam and avoided everything. I asked to borrow his camera for the next night because something had happened to mine - I don't think I could find it. That night I took a few pictures of the cast of the show as we prepared for Act 1. Over intermission, before starting to take pictures of our preparations for Act 2, I decided to take a look at the pictures I had taken. There were not a lot of pictures on the camera. I scrolled in the wrong direction and found myself looking at some pictures of my own cat. I decided to just keep going in that direction because, why not, it wasn't far to go and they were probably all my cat anyway. What I found, though, were pictures of That Slut, topless on Acadia's bed, with her pants lowered so much I could see the beginnings of her pubic hair. Pictures of That Slut with her mouth around the top of a beer bottle as though it was a cock. Pictures of That Slut and Acadia, topless and touching each other's chests, gazing fondly at one another. I was horrified, to say the least. He continued to insist that nothing had happened when I confronted him.
In December of 2010, Acadia and I had just started hanging out again after not speaking for several months. We had the conversation which I have previously mentioned that ended in me sobbing hysterically. He told me that he couldn't have feelings for anyone that wasn't me, and he was happy this way, he would never love anyone and live alone, &c, &c. It was a very pathetic thing, but I felt both pity for him and flattered that I could have been that important to him.
So when I saw him with That Slut, I just knew he was saying all the things to her that he used to say to me. Things with my ex weren't real. I can only feel for you. I have these barriers up so I don't feel things, but when you're around they come crashing down. I love you. I never really loved her... I felt sick with anger. Part of me was disgusted with him that he is going to treat another girl the way he treated me - because he is still the same Acadia, he never listened when I explained to him what was wrong with the way things were going between us. And part of me was bitterly jealous, because if he was with her then I'm not really that special. I'm not really the only one who can make him feel like that. The fact that we both know I still remember every move he liked means nothing to him. He's not really "there waiting if I ever want to go back." And because I am so blindsided by this new relationship of his, he's not really still there for me. I hope he remembers me when he's with her. I hope he remembers how I could drive him crazy so fast, how I could do everything just the way he liked it, and I hope he doesn't enjoy learning about her. I hope he misses me so much it hurts.
It's almost laughable that just yesterday, I was considering approaching him. "Can we at least pretend we don't hate each other?" I was going to say, with a nervous smile. Because I know he doesn't hate me. He just pushed me away because he didn't want to see how happy we both knew I would be with Wrecking Ball. He didn't want to feel like he's not really that special, and he didn't want to feel like remembering everything that I like means nothing, and he didn't want to see the proof that I would never want to go back to him, and he didn't want to know that I never miss him. Ouch.
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