Spiral

"I've got troubled thoughts and the self esteem to match, what a catch..."
- Fall Out Boy, What A Catch, Donnie

I am trying to look forward to the break. I am trying to just look forward to tomorrow. But today just feels... I don't know. I was all right until around 11 pm, when I started to feel down, and then Cowboy texted me and when he said he was going to bed I said it had been nice to talk to him - it was, he never talks to me, I think he hates me - he said "Same to you hun" and I remembered that he loved me and I remembered how we just let our relationship go to shit and then I felt really horrible.

In many ways I don't understand at all why anyone would be interested in me. I am treating myself better than I used to, I guess, except for that one thing. But I still don't feel like anyone should care about me... I don't know. What I do feel is just kind of crummy and worthless. And for everybody reading this, don't bother telling me I'm not crummy or worthless. When I wake up tomorrow I'm sure I'll feel human again. It's just tonight, right now, I feel horrible. I feel so depressed that I am just going to try to go to sleep so that I don't have to think any more.

I hope I feel better in the morning. I am going in to work for a few hours because some people dropped shifts, and then I am going bowling with my sorority (which is good because I didn't go to Sister Courage's birthday dinner because of the weather) and then I am going to Wrecking Ball's for the night, and in the morning I am having lunch with Jewel and probably skipping French class because it is the last day before the break and Hey Rosetta doesn't want to go either... When I have a full schedule ahead of me I know I will start to feel better. It is just that now, before I am doing anything, everything just feels grey. I hate feeling like this.