Goodnight, Goodnight

"So go, I know, you would not stay. It wasn't true, but anyway."
- Vampire Weekend, M79

I am spending tonight at Love's house. She was texting Cowboy last night too; when I didn't answer him right away (he had texted while I was still at work) he sent her some panicked messages.

She read me one: "I have tried to see other girls but... they're just not her."

I found myself inexplicably making a high pitched noise, somewhat softly, like the sound a kettle makes when it boils. Then I remembered the girl in Pontypool (you need to see that movie) and I started to giggle. Before either Love or I knew what was going on, I was hysterical. Legitimately hysterical. I was roaring with laughter, gasping for air, and tears were running down my face. It took me almost twenty minutes to calm down.

It is now 5:53 am. I am meeting Cowboy in fourteen hours and seven minutes. I am breaking his heart tonight. If there was any way I could avoid this, I would. But he is going to tell me he regrets leaving me and I...

I could tell him I am happier than I have been in a very, very long time, and ask him to be happy for me.
I could tell him I was always in love with Wrecking Ball, so I'm not really moving on as fast as it seems.
I could tell him he will meet someone else, and she will be better for him than I, because she won't get tired of his jokes the way I did when I realized that he was just spouting off the same fragments of old comedy routines as though they were his own material, and she won't mind watching him play Halo for hours at a time, and she will be everything he truly wants.

But all I really know I'm going to say is, "I'm sorry."