How Does This Feel?

"Stay awake to break the habit."
- Vampire Weekend, M79

I don't know what to say to him. What do I say to him? "If you have known you love me since back in October, why did you give up on us too?" Or, "Why didn't you tell me that you love me when I said I felt like you didn't care anymore?" Nothing seems appropriate. I don't want to talk to him, because it will only hurt him when I say I don't want to be with him now, and I don't want to hurt him.

I barely even know what to think. I just know that seeing tomorrow night (as I agreed before he dropped the damn L word) is going to suck. A lot. Like, hard core suckage. I don't even know what I will do. I am worried I might cry in front of him, which would be mortifying.

And also, what the fuck. Who doesn't tell someone they are in love with them when they know it? I told him that was how I felt back in July, and he waits until AFTER he has dumped me to tell me he has loved me for at least three months? What IS that? Who DOES that?

I got drunk last night so I wouldn't have to deal with these thoughts. I had no intention of a permanent solution; I just knew I didn't want the night to suck as much as today would. I have never before drank because of a problem, and I really don't intend to do it again.

Cowboy, I love Wrecking Ball. I love you too, but you just aren't him. I'm sorry.