Anti-Graduation

"And I'm a little bit lost without you - this ain't a love song, this is goodbye."
- Scouting For Girls, This Ain't A Love Song

Today was my last class ever at this university, as far as I can see (because who knows what the future holds, really; I didn't even expect to come here). I don't have an exam, and I won't be back next year. I'll still be taking advantage of my bus and gym passes over the summer, but I'm not a student here any more. I'm done.

It's a really weird feeling. I always expected myself to go to one university, finish my degree in the standard four years, then go start a family and a career. Now it's different. I won't be done my degree in nursing until 2016, and that's assuming that a) I get accepted for fall of 2012 and b) I pass everything necessary. This is really throwing off my imaginary life schedule. I want to be a mom really bad, but I promised myself I wouldn't start trying until I finish my first degree. But now, that's been set back by three years.

I really enjoyed my time here. I liked the academic environment. I liked attending classes (most of them, anyway). Now I feel really loose and separated. I am not a university student. I know I'm doing what's right for me, in a way, by leaving. But I can't be sure I'm heading into the right thing. I am full of all kinds of doubts. My biggest comfort right now is just knowing I'm not in debt yet, and I won't need to take out a loan until at least my second year of nursing, assuming I don't get any scholarships or bursaries. It's nice to know that my mid-education crisis isn't putting me into a bad situation.

I just feel so weird about this. Looking back at what I intended to do when I left high school, I am so far from where I thought I'd be that it is crazy. I didn't intend to stay in this city. I never thought I'd move back home after I left. I would never have imagined getting back together with Wrecking Ball. I certainly didn't think I would drop out of university. I am trying to do what's right for me but everything just feels so crazy and uncertain that it's hard to believe I'm doing what I need to do.