Birthday

"Fuck you! It's my birthday! A special holiday only for me!"
- The Vandals, Happy Birthday To Me

Tonight was the first of my three days of birthday celebrations. I didn't mean to make such elaborate plans. I really just wanted what I had tonight - my closest friends over for nachos and a movie (we watched Pokemon: The First Movie), a very relaxed time. But then I wanted to invite more and more people, because I realised that a lot of people aren't going to see me again before I go to Katimavik. So then I planned another night, starting by seeing the musical I dropped out of, then going to a pub for some awesome nachos, then going to the same bar at which we celebrated last year. It's my favourite one; I feel so comfortable there.

Is it weird that I'm not looking forward to my birthday party tomorrow night? I just think I'm going to be so tired. I'll be on my feet all day working, and the bar will be so crowded... But then on Sunday it's just the tiny family dinner, plus Wrecking Ball and Love. My favourite kind of soup (I'm going to try to make it this year - scary!) and some cake and then I don't know, we can watch Harry Potter or something.

To be honest, I didn't actually have a great time tonight. I'm really, really tired. And also, it's really been hitting me the last few days that I'm going to leave and see none of these people for months. So instead of actually socializing with them, I found I just wanted to listen to their voices and be close to everyone. But it was more depressing than comforting to think about how they're all happy for me for leaving.

I'm going to blame Sister Beauty for this feeling (haha). She came over last night and we watched Annabelle's Wish, my all-time favourite Christmas movie. It was a good time, but then when she was leaving we realised that it was the last time we could see each other before I go. I thought about that today while I was working. I wish I'd hugged her more - I think I did it twice anyway, but I feel like it should have been longer. I'm going to miss her a lot. I'm going to miss everyone a lot.

Leaving is starting to feel a lot more real. I have an empty suitcase in my room now. I've started trying to decide which clothes to bring, which jewellery, which makeup, which books. If there is anything/anyone I need pictures of before I go. This whole thing feels dreamlike but with every day I can see more and more that it is actually happening.

I figured out one neat thing. I was worried about accidentally spending the money that I've saved up to pay for my phone bill and sponsored child while I'm gone. Not accidentally, really, but irresponsibly. I have a tendency to spend more than I notice. What I'm going to do is give my Dad the money and he'll use it to make repairs on one of our cars. Then, every month, he'll pay me back by making my Visa payments for me. It's pretty much a win-win: he doesn't have to come up with all that money right now, right after the holidays and my brother's dental surgery (which was supposed to be this week but it got postponed because he had a sore throat), and I don't have to worry about budgeting all that money throughout my trip. That makes me feel better about the financial aspect of going.