Jealousy

"Wh- wh- why won't the world revolve around me?"
- Fall Out Boy, America's Suitehearts

I often feel jealous of other girls. They are happier, prettier, skinnier, and more successful than me. But until recently I had never felt this jealousy aimed at someone because of my relationship. There were two situations that came close: when Acadia lived with She Who Must Not Be Named while we were still dating, and the night I saw Sin with the girl who was clearly a better match for him. In both cases, however, I felt angry. I was mad at Acadia for staying in that situation when he had other options, and I was mad at myself for thinking Sin and I had any staying power.

So it came as a surprise when, in a bakery in Brooklyn, NS, I found myself filling with jealousy, feeling almost territorial.

Wrecking Ball and I took a little road trip this weekend (I promise I'll talk about the good points later!), and on the way back we stopped in a tiny bakery in a tiny town (Google tells me the population is barely 1000 people). The girl behind the counter was pretty. She had some slightly unfortunate blemishes, but there was something else about her that was attractive in a way I couldn't describe. Surprising myself, I was immediately on edge. She was making a lot of eye contact with Wrecking Ball. When I am serving customers who are clearly a couple, I make almost equal eye contact with both partners and I make sure to smile specifically at the woman. I have never known why I do this, because whenever I notice I am doing it I think I'm being ridiculous, and I tell myself, "only an insane woman could feel threatened by a woman on the other side of the counter of a Taco Bell!" But there I was, suddenly not hungry at all, and wishing we would just get out of the store already, and wishing that pretty bitch would stop smiling at my boyfriend. She said all sorts of things about the products and by the time she was done I decidedly wanted not a crumb from that stupid place. But I bought a loaf of gingerbread because I couldn't think of a polite way not to want anything, especially because she was so damn friendly when she suggested I try one of the samples on the counter. I paid for my loaf and for Wrecking Ball's, which he probably saw as me trying to even out the balance of the trip's costs, but was really done out of an insane urge not to see their fingers touch as he handed her money.

Finally, we were out of the store, and back in the car, safe in a little bubble of togetherness. But then he said, in a tone of voice I couldn't place but didn't like, "I was really impressed by how well she knew the product" or something similar. And right then, in my head, I could hear myself saying two very different but equally insane things: "Let's go back to that bakery, I'd like to tear her eyes out," or "Would you like me to list every ingredient of every menu item at Taco Bell in the order in which they are put on? I could also tell you the order in which the hot, cold, and fry tables are assembled, or the quality timers for each item, or the temperature at which they are ready to be served..."

I don't want to see myself as a crazy, jealous woman. But that little episode made me frightened that I am just that. And it also made me irrationally angry at Wrecking Ball for not reading my mind and reassuring me that he wasn't about to run off to that tiny town to pursue a relationship with the girl who knew so much about the bread she was selling. Because you know, I should totally expect him to do that.

I'm really unimpressed with myself for feeling all of this. But the whole scene has been on replay in my mind for two days now, so I had to vent.