Anxiety

"I was very nervous, no one knew me. No one knew me."
- Gary Jules, Mad World

I don't know if I have regular panic attacks or if I just have times where I freak out more than usual. I had a real panic attack once, without a doubt, so these days I at least don't worry about dying when I feel my heart racing and my breathing getting tighter: nobody dies from panic attacks. So though I don't know whether I am having another panic attack or just feeling anxious, I go somewhere by myself and take deep breaths to calm down.

I'm writing about this tonight because I had two... shall I say episodes? That sounds dumb. This feeling happened twice this weekend, anyway, and like the jealousy thing I've been thinking about it a lot.

The first time it happened was Saturday night. Wrecking Ball invited me to a fancy dress poker night. I was wearing the same dirty jeans I'd worn for three days. I asked if it would be OK that I wasn't dressed up. He said it would be fine. I didn't bother telling him I actually had a nice black dress in my bookbag because I'd packed for our trip on Wednesday night, before we decided we were only going for one night, and I thought I might need to go straight from our trip to my sorority's pledge ceremony, which is a semi-formal event. We were in a hurry, and he had said it would be fine, assuring me that Eevee, at least, would be dressed casually. So we left, him in a suit and me in my jeans. We walked along a trail in the darkness, and I started to feel tight inside. I'm afraid of the dark. When we got to the party, there were three people who were not dressed up, and about seven who were. I had already started to feel awkward about showing up while not officially invited. We walked through the door and panic hit me hard. I went into the bathroom and put my head between my knees until I calmed down. I didn't want to tell Wrecking Ball that had happened because I didn't want him to feel bad for bringing me, especially since he had expressed concerns about feeling responsible for making sure I had fun while we were there. I did have fun, as soon as I calmed down. But for a few minutes, I didn't want to leave that bathroom. I could have stayed in there all night, safe and alone.

The next day, Sunday, was my sorority's pledge ceremony. I was nervous. I'd met my little sister, Chaser, on only two occasions. I was afraid she would be disappointed when she learned it was me. I imagined that when she heard we had each handpicked our sisters, that there had even been some fights about it, that she might think I had lost a fight over the girl I actually wanted and accepted her as a consolation prize. Then, one pledge was introduced not to her big sister, but to the "teachers" of the pledge class, who explained that her big sister couldn't be there at the ceremony because she had taken her boyfriend to the emergency room that afternoon. In those words, I heard the echoes of a few things I try not to think about. I was feeling more and more on edge. Then, at movie night in Hamlet's dorm, some (re: a lot) of jokes were made that hit on a sensitive topic for me. But I couldn't speak up to tell them those jokes were bothering me. It seemed like admitting they were offending me would mean admitting that it happened. And I can't do that without getting incredibly upset (hands shaking as I type). So then my whole body felt tight, and I couldn't handle it, but I sat there anyway. Wrecking Ball put his arms around me and whispered, "you're twitching, is everything OK?" I said it was, though it wasn't, but I didn't want to get into that yet. I spent the next 100 minutes expecting the jokes to stop, but then they would start again. I tried to just relax into Wrecking Ball's arms and take my deep breaths and then after what seemed like forever, the night was over.

I think what bothers me about these anxious moments is that I'm not in control. I can't just say, "ok, you're safe, just calm down," and then be okay again. I have to wait it out, trying to reassure myself, but then I start to doubt the words I say. I can say whatever positive thing I like, but that doesn't mean I'll believe it. And when I feel myself doubting my words of comfort, any good they did dissipates and I'm back where I started and it just feels like I lost.