Reflections 2

"Now we've all moved away and somehow became men, but I remember where it began."
- Marianas Trench, Acadia

Of course, Acadia is my "significant ex". He's the first guy that comes to mind when someone says "ex-boyfriend". He was the one to whom I lost my virginity, and the first (and I believe only) person to ever call me a whore and mean it. And when, earlier this week, I read "love the one you're with" by Emily Giffin (been loving her books lately), I related her Leo to my Acadia. He was the unhealthy relationship I couldn't give up, the poisonous friend I didn't want to turn my back on, and the only person I have ever hated more than I used to hate myself. The story of our relationship is tied inextricably to the story of my personal battle with some mental health issues. We were in a hate spiral from the beginning. We had more downs than ups. But I thought that sort of passion was what made us good. I thought for a long time that he was the greatest love of my life.

I met a lot of Acadia's family. I met: his mother; his father; his three older sisters, and the boyfriend of one of them; his younger brother; his older brother and his older brother's fiancee; and his aunt and uncle and their young son, his nephew, on his mother's side. All of them were nice enough to me, though only in the sense that they weren't rude. They acknowledged me if I worked up the courage to join their conversations (though I didn't often bother with that; they all like to talk a lot more than they liked to listen). But his mother - she loved me. It was a running joke that she preferred me to Acadia, actually. He joked that she wanted to adopt me, and she included me in her fantasies about winning the lottery. "If I win that thirty million tomorrow," she'd tell me as she drove me home, "I'll pay for any school you want to go to." She made me pajama pants for Christmas, hosted a family dinner in honor of my sixteenth birthday, and made sure that I was in half of Acadia's grad photos the August before he went into grade 12 (because of our age difference, this put me in just grade eleven at the time). She invited me to family functions that Acadia's siblings couldn't bring guests to - "it's family only!" - claiming that I was as good as one of them. She even brought me along when they visited their cabin on Prince Edward Island, and let me come over for a seven hour nap and some soup during the time one summer that I thought I had mono.

His mother was always incredibly kind to me. She treated me the way I imagined a mother would treat her daughter if they had a close relationship. And maybe I wanted her to replace my own mother in my life, and sometimes I think I wanted to stay with Acadia as much for his mother as for him. But since Acadia and I broke up, we haven't spoke to each other even once. And I can promise you, if you asked her, she'd lie about the relationship we'd had. Maybe she'd say she never liked me. Maybe she would tell you that she always knew Acadia could do better. Maybe she would even say she's very glad our relationship ended, and if only it had ended sooner.

When I look at the way Acadia and I were together, I see my relationship to his family as a parallel to his mood swings. His mother (his 'good side') clung to me, loved me, wanted me around. And everyone else (his stubborn 'nobody likes me' periods) couldn't care less if I was in the room or not. As for his mother now (his 'bad side'), she pretends I don't - or never did - exist.