Dreaming

"Dream about, dream about, dream about your eyes."
- Taylor Swift, Beautiful Eyes

I pay a lot of attention to my dreams. I feel like they mean something. Sometimes my dreams seem to be telling me something about my deepest feelings, and sometimes they make me spend the rest of the day wrapped in nostalgia. On some rare nights, I have dreams that later come true - a major example of this was the time that Wrecking Ball was released from the hospital and I dreamt that he was back in and had to have an operation. Days later he was back in the hospital and, after another week, he actually did have a small procedure done. But it took me a few weeks to realise that connection, because whenever I thought of that dream, I focused on the fact that at the very end I was told I would never have children. I had the dream many times, and though it hasn't come back in a while, it still bothers me. I know it's crazy to think I'm infertile because of a dream I had, but honestly, the first half came true, so what's preventing the second half from being realised?

A few weeks ago, Wrecking Ball collected me from Love's place and we drove to a park a couple hours away and went on a slightly difficult hike. I spent the whole day fearing for my life, because that very morning I'd had a nightmare in which Love, Spark and I were in a semi-industrial building that contained a demon. It was a well-known fact that anyone who saw the demon's face was destined to die a horrible death. We were trying to escape the building, when we heard a noise behind us. I turned around, and there it was, crawling towards us across the ceiling, and I looked it straight in the eye and felt nothing but complete terror. I didn't die before the end of the dream, so when I woke up I felt that something awful would be happening very soon. The worst thing that happened, though, was that I somehow slipped and partially fell into a cold river (again! Wrecking Ball should stop taking me near water. Haha) and had to spend the rest of the afternoon in unpleasantly damp jeans.

I don't like to consult dream dictionaries, because I feel like my own interpretations of what a dream means is more likely to be accurate for me. For example, if I look up the key elements in that dream that semi-came true (surgery, infertility), it seems as though I need some emotional healing or am being too powerfully influenced by a figure of authority, and that I am either lacking creativity or unsuccessfully trying to have a child. But I am certain that what it was actually showing me was my concern for Wrecking Ball's health and an example of my worries about my own health and future fertility, which seems like a pretty straightforward thing to gather from the dream anyway. And that nightmare (keywords: demon, friend, death, chase) supposedly says I am avoiding thinking about how distressed I am regarding the coming changes in my life, in which the parts of Love and Spark that are in my personality are going to disappear. Personally, when I interpret it I see a drive for success (trying to survive) while being afraid of failure (seeing the demon's face anyway) and also being only semi-confident in the people I look to for support (Love and Spark stayed with me but they weren't leading me safely out of the building). That seems a lot more appropriate for me.

I am considering starting a page in which I keep a record of my dreams and what I think about them. This is partially because it will be proof if any of them come true (for the record, I had a dream that the first half of my Katimavik placement would be in Montreal) and partially because I think it would be a fun thing for me to do and maybe for others to read as well.