Get Happy

"But you look so good when you're laughing you know, yeah you look so good when you let it show."
- Hey Rosetta, Red Heart

It is 4 am. I am entirely in a Seasonal Affective Disorder spiral now. I don't want to do anything but eat junkfood or starve myself, lay in bed or sit on a bus. I could ride a bus for hours in this mood. The feeling of being in transit is always one that I enjoy, especially if I am alone.

This is difficult. I failed today. I didn't go to class - the one class I'm still taking - and worse, I didn't go to a counselling appointment up at the university. I just chickened out and let myself stay in bed.

I try to be happy. I do. It's just so hard. I don't know how to get help. I just don't have the will to do anything. Doing anything that won't be instantly pleasurable (such as going to musical theatre practice, which today was actually a giant piss-off and not a comfort) feels like a chore. I feel like I need some kind of live-in nurse or something. Someone to tell me, "You need to get out of bed now, sweetie." Someone who will cook me a nice healthy breakfast instead of letting me eat a piece or two of my dad's birthday cake. Someone who will give me a hug.

Cuddling Wrecking Ball tonight gave me a sensation as close to happiness as I have felt in two days that feel like an eternity. Our relationship is really too new for me to put all this heaviness on him. I don't want to burden him with the extent of my depression. But if I don't tell him about all these horrible feelings, how can he cope with me? My perceived distance? All I will want soon is to be in his arms but I will be too afraid to ask. I need to tell him this is going to happen but with every passing second my throat is closing. I am surprised I can even have normal conversations at this point, so bringing up feelings is pretty much out of the question.