Eight

"Lets go all the way tonight - no regrets, just love."
- Katy Perry, Teenage Dream

Tonight was the night.

I felt so happy that I cried. But I find that really embarrassing. Nobody wants their partner to cry after sex. I just felt so... respected. It's weird, but there are a lot of feelings that I associated with sex that I never realised until tonight, when I didn't feel them. I won't put the details on the internet, but basically I felt very cared for tonight, which was new. I told him he had ruined the sex I had had with other guys - "well, not really, but you've made me look at it differently." He laughed and said that was pretty much the number one thing any guy would want to hear after the first time with someone. It made me feel a bit less ridiculous for crying - at least my tears could have been flattering.

I have to say, that concern at the bottom of my list was surprisingly far from my mind. I was really pleased that I didn't fall back into that habit. I initially thought that the fact that I was trying to at least postpone the tears until after the sex may have distracted me enough to prevent it, but now I'm not so sure. When I think about how I felt during it all... I think I just felt more comfortable with him. It felt OK to enjoy it. And afterwards, he held me while I tried to compose myself, and while I laughed at myself, and I told him why I had started to cry, and it was easy. I just said it, like it wasn't that much of a big deal. Maybe I felt like, hey, you're already crying, could admitting the reason why be that bad? But I prefer to believe that it shows genuine progress on my part.

Oh lord. I still can't believe I cried. Haha.