Fading Desire

"So maybe I seem loose to you, but I don't even want to screw, and I did once, but I don't now..."
- Kimya Dawson, Caving In

So, I seem to have fallen off the blog train or something. I keep intending to write and then I don't. It's hard to write when I feel the way I do. Seasonal Affective Disorder. I feel grey. Many days, like today, I just feel like I want to lie down. Not do anything. Just lie down and, I don't know, stare blankly at a wall, maybe listen to music because I'm sure I'd get bored if I indulged the urge and stopped doing everything and just lay there.

On Sunday I went over to Wrecking Ball's. He wasn't feeling well and we did a lot of cuddling. I...

Wow, I haven't written in a while, I didn't mention Thursday. Well. I guess I should go there first.

I got a tattoo on Thursday: the Latin word "amavi" followed by a heart, which means "I have loved." I have a lot of meaning for this but I am so tired my head hurts I just want to get this entry done. I went to Wrecking Ball's house in the evening and we watched some episodes of The Misfits, which is an excellent show, and then we started kissing and it got very intense and I took a risk and I undid his belt, but I did it very slowly - one movement at a time. He undid my pants as well. I was afraid to go farther then. I don't know why, but I was apprehensive. I had my hand in his pants but I wasn't touching him, when he said he was feeling lightheaded. I lay beside him and we talked while he tried to regain his senses, relief coursing inexplicably through me. I wanted sex so much. I still want it. He is always on my mind. Why was I relieved when he said he wasn't feeling well?

On Sunday when I was over, it was entirely cuddling. We didn't even kiss on the lips, because he didn't want me to catch what he has. It was fantastic, and he enjoyed it too. It confuses me. What could I possibly be afraid of? I have had sex before. It's not like it's something of which I'm afraid. In fact, I'm rather... easy. "Loose" is the term I prefer (Kerry Cohen, Loose Girl, you have to read it... though I think Love is the only person who reads this and it is her book... still. I send this recommendation out universally. Read it!) but to someone who doesn't know where I get that word it could sound like an insult, as in the opposite of tight. Heh.

Too tired to function. The point I was getting at here: I seem to not be ready to have sex with WB and that confuses me, but I have no theories yet as to why I don't feel ready.