Love's Angel

"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, then whispered as she closed the book, 'too beautiful for earth'."
- Anonymous

It was only recently that I mentioned that Love is pregnant. We've known since late August; I just didn't know quite what I wanted to say. I wanted to talk about how happy I was for her and how I was jealous that she would be a mom before me, and that I was excited to support her and watch her baby grow.

On Thursday while I was at work, Love sent me a text to tell me that she is miscarrying. I didn't, and still don't know what to say about it. I told her I am sorry she is going through this, and that I love her. She doesn't like to be alone, so her mother and I are staying with her as much as we can. We stay up all night together, sitting in solidarity. We talk about everything, and nothing. We talk about her baby, and the funeral, and we talk about anything else at all. Sometimes we just sit in silence, doing our own things - reading, drawing, browsing the internet, watching whatever is on the TV. It's a comfortable silence, and an eerie one.

On Friday night, I went to a Halloween party with Wrecking Ball, and then I went home with him. Love and I were texting a bit throughout the night, and I was still trying to process the news that she was losing her baby. I had a dream shortly after falling asleep that she was talking to me about losing Angel, and when I woke up I had such an odd feeling. When you wake up from a bad dream, you think "I'm glad that's not real." Instead, I woke up thinking, "This isn't fair." I moved closer to Wrecking Ball and went back to sleep. I had more bad dreams, worse ones - I've actually had nightmares every night since Thursday, which Love and I think is due to my own stress for her - and every time I would wake up and move closer to him again. I stayed so close to him through the night that when I went home I could smell him on my own skin, which is something I've never noticed before.

Statistically, Love says, this wasn't supposed to happen. The odds are supposed to be in your favour, and usually they are. It breaks my heart that she is going through this. There isn't much more to say. This is happening, and it's sad. There just aren't words for the rest of it. There's a feeling in this room with us now, while Love and I do whatever we're doing on our laptops and Love's mom sits and thinks quietly. We understand it, but we're not talking about it. I guess we're just here together, to do what we can about Love's grief.

Rest in peace L.B.