"It makes me sad that, because you drew that, you will never think it's as beautiful as I do."
- Love, on Monday night. This quote isn't because it really relates to this entry (save for perhaps the end) but because I really liked it and want to remember and share it.
I think I need to stop telling people about any plans I make because then I feel awful when I change my mind. Prime examples of this are the trip to Jamaica that I was going to take to go to my aunt's wedding last February, or the trip Love and I were going to take to Cuba in August, or even just going to Halifax later this month for Mother Mother (though in my defence it sold out before I was sure of my decision). Those all involve travel, true. But I felt the same way when I let it be known that I had decided not to keep going to university late last winter. And I'm going to feel the same way if I don't end up going into nursing.
I'm having another "where do I want to go in life?" crisis. I don't know what's causing it. I'm getting quite agitated. Every day when I'm working I have to force myself to smile at the customers, and I have to actively remind myself to keep doing my job because I have stopped enjoying it. I don't want to work there any more and I don't know if I still want to go into nursing. I feel like I am in the wrong place and I don't understand why. I don't know anything about where I want to go.
I've just taken 4 online quizzes about jobs. According to these (and I know I shouldn't trust them too thoroughly), based on my skills, I should go into nursing, or social work, or one of the many fields in dentistry. But my interests are telling me to be a journalist or to go into marketing, graphic or interior design, or the performing arts. And when I just look at these, they all sound pretty appealing, but none more than the others.
During this time I also took a quiz with results that really freaked me out because of how well they reflected what I've been feeling the last few days.
I originally chose to go into history because of how much I liked historical fiction. But these days I've been reading books about women who live in big cities and work boring office jobs and date lots of people until they find the right one and then everything works out perfectly. So what, should I move to New York City and find a job I hate and just marry someone rich enough to support me so well that I can quit and paint all day? I don't think so.
My dad suggested I do graphic design since I like art and am supposedly good at it (tonight I'm in the sort of mood where I won't believe any compliment I receive) and reminded me that I enjoyed the Graphic Art & Design courses I took in high school. He said I could get a job at an ad company. I think there's a reason I didn't try to do that after high school and it still applies now: I don't want to ruin my enjoyment of art by doing it professionally. Is that a valid reason not to do something? Or is it just a lame excuse because I'm more afraid that someone is going to tell me that I'm actually no good?
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