Terms of Endearment

"Oh baby, oh honey, oh pumpkin, oh schnookums, oh babe!"
- The Vandals, Get A Room

Tonight, I have a problem with terms of endearment ("ToE" from now on because it's after 4 am and I'm lazy). It's not that I don't like to hear them. I actually love to be called honey, sweetie, or dear. My problem is with saying them. I also have a problem with saying my lover's name to their face. I blame Acadia and Cowboy for these problems.

Acadia's real name is just one syllable. I don't remember at all how it started, but when we were feeling cute, I would say his name twice in a row - not in a baby voice, like Lavender saying "Won Won!!!" in HP6, more like it was just actually his name. He liked it, and I liked it, and in our 2.5-3 years (it's really iffy), I never once called him by anything other than his real name or his double name. When our relationship was officially and completely over, and I was 18, I had never used a ToE on someone with whom I was in a relationship (I do call female friends and small children "honey" if they are upset). So at that point, it seemed awkward to start.

Enter Cowboy. I went without saying his name or any ToE for about three months, maybe four. But this bugged me; it felt impersonal on some level, like I never specified who I was talking to. So one night in a text, I said "Goodnight, Cowboy," and he asked if I was mad. I was confused and said no, not mad at all. He then said it was weird for people in a relationship to address each other by name like that, and that I should say something else. After a few weeks, I gathered up the courage to call him "dear". The word felt strange in my mouth, and it caught in my throat, but I pushed it out anyway and he promptly informed me that "dear" felt like something old ladies say to their grandchildren. Embarrassment ensued; I gave up on using ToEs.

I don't know if Wrecking Ball has noticed that the amount of times I've said his name to his face can probably be counted on one hand. I don't know if he cares that I have never once used a ToE in a non-joking context (I have a vague memory of him pretending to be upset and me saying, "aw, sweetie"  in an exaggerated voice). But this bugs to me no end, and it particularly bugs me today because we spent the whole day together, and last night, and in all of that time I didn't ever address him. If someone else had walked into the room, it would only be my eye contact specifying who I was talking to - and I'm even bad at holding consistent eye contact. I hate that.